Mini Retreat Day had arrived and, encouraged by my grapes Ubai and my Outline to Enlightenment, I decided to put my big girl pants on and attend. Those pants however were not white. Instead, I wore pale beige – something I hoped was modest, appropriate and respectful, but not the white of the precept takers because I still didn’t feel ready to take those vows.

The first night went smoothly enough, but trouble started in the morning. After a sermon LP Anan sent us into the park to spend some time contemplating on our own. I sat down on a tree trunk and wrote furiously in my notebook. When I got up and looked down, I saw I had dirt and tree bark all over my beige pants. I freaked the fuck out!

In those stained pants I saw ‘evidence’ of my own unworthiness a practioner. It was proof I didn’t belong. I already knew I wasn’t ready to wear white, but I couldn’t even manage the care and precision required to keep beige clean…what hope did I have of ever being ready, pure, worthy enough for white? This dirty Alana outside was just a metaphor for a dirty Alana inside and here it was, my dirtiness, exposed for all to see and to judge.

In that moment I was ready to run, to quit, to slip away quietly and never ever go back to the Wat again. And I probably would have except…years ago, I made a promise to Mae Yo and Neecha, I promised that if I was ever thinking of quitting my practice I would talk to them first. Ugh, promises, but I do try to keep mine, so I headed back inside to find Neecha for a chat.

I managed to make it as far as siting down face-to-face with Neecha before I burst out into tears. Wailing about how unworthy I am, how bad a Buddhist I am, what a failure it is that I can’t /won’t take the 8 precepts, I pointed to my pants as proof of all this…

Once I had calmed down, Neecha and I started to talk. She offered me a few thoughts off the bat:

1. told me to look at who else isn’t taking the precepts this weekend – several other strong, well respected practioners, including Neecha herself, had chosen to forego the precepts for this retreat. Each person had their reasons – needing to be flexible for others, family commitments etc. Fine I accepted, but pushed back that my reasons (not being ready) felt less worthy, less legit.
2.  Neecha went on to explain that truthfulness/ keeping your word are important trait for a practioner. That I take vow taking seriously isn’t necessarily the mark of a ‘Bad Buddhist.’ This started making me feel a little better, so she when on…
3. What exactly is a ‘Bad Buddhist’ anyway she asked? Sure, if it is coming to the Wat every Sat and taking the precepts then perhaps I was a bad Buddhist, if it is doing the work to discover the truth of this world in my everyday life than perhaps I wasn’t such a bad Buddhist afterall. There are as many definitions as there are people to define, why an I so stuck on just one definition – the vow taking, temple going, superhero? And why should I let myself feel forced to become it if its not my definition/what I want?
4. She also reminded me that neither her, nor MaeYo had always looked the part of the perfect Buddhists either; I did recall stories I had heard of way back, before I started coming to the Wat, of a much harsher Mae Yo and Neecha.

By this point, I had started seeing the contours of some of my wrong views just enough that  made another promise – I would go home and really consider this issue before I turned-in my Buddhist resignation letter. Clearly, I didn’t end-up resigning so stay tuned…