So Dear Reader, in case you have not already noticed, I am a woman who likes control. And what better way is there to control than having a plan 😉? Obviously, this blog is filled with stories about my lack of control –of my best laid plans ruined by all sorts of stuff. But, being a planner isn’t all bad, it has helped me be a systematic thinker, an outliner, a big/small picture integrater. Its no surprise that at a time I really felt my practice was shaky, out of my control, I decided to ‘take stock’, review a little, and come-up with what (at the time) I felt was a solid outline to enlightenment. The blog below is a copy of that outline, which at the time served an important function of restoring a bit more confidence to my practice.

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I. Truth of Suffering: The life I have/world isn’t that awesome

          A. Impermanence

                    1.  Even awesome shit I have dies and fades

                      2. The way I perceive this world, the way I remember it and imagine it is not accurate. Its one sided. I have the false permanent that my current perspective is right and fixed

                    3.   My control to get the outcome I want is limited too. When my wants change, things change, items change, circumstances change, how can I be in control? Deeper still: Everything arises based on a cause. Causes are a countless number of factors that come together. The factors each are fleeting, humans are but a single one, we are not omniscient or powerful enough to change, alter and control them all. This is why ultimately I  can’t control.  It defies the law of cause and effect.

          B. Suffering

                      1 Is it worth it? How much does it cost me to stay in this world? What is the pain to pleasure trade-off? Can I see the way the pain contours the pleasure? Even Buddha could not separate sukkah from dukkah so he returned Sukkah to its rightful owner–Dukkah.

                      2 Am I really going to “get something new” next time? I need to kill the hope. The hope for some great lifetime free of suffering or of some perfect world. Some time/space, where even if there is suffering, its controlled, hedged, I manage the type, the extent.

II. Enlightenment — no matter how much it freaks me out, feels unattainable or I am not ready for it — is not the problem

           A.   Just because enlightenment is is an unknown state, it doesn’t mean I need to feel so afraid of it. Specifically, there is no necessary reason to fear that by becoming enlightenment I will just lose myself and what I love (after all, Mae Yo and Neecha still have their family)

                    1 Gather evidence to see that in the past I have encountered unknowns and they weren’t all bad. For example, when I moved away from Texas I was so sad/afraid. I didn’t want to leave the temple, the house, my life and friends. But now, in SF I am so much happier and better off.  I found a Dharma path that works so much better for me. I have a nicer home, better job, new friends, etc.

                    2 Examine if keeping my sense of “myself” intact and as it is is actually so desirable — Back when I had a more troubled relationship with my Mom I felt like I had to defend “myself”; the relationship had to be on my terms, I had to stand my ground and not yield at all. But as the relationship has improved I am open to new terms and  don’t need to fixate on self protection all the time. Things are so much smoother now.

                   3  Consider the possibility that the life/perspective that I have now may be what I’m used to, but its not necessarily ‘normal’. It is true I don’t know how to be any other way, but does that make the way I am acceptable/preferable? What about people who live in war, poverty, illness and know nothing else — is it better for them to remain in circumstances they are used to just because they are used to it?  Blindness ts not the preferred state,  but if someone has been blind all their life should they want to stay that way just because it is what they are used to?

B. Overcome the idea I’m innately  not worthy of enlightenment.. That I simply am incapable of getting there

1 Don’t worry about If I’m there yet, good enough, dharmaey enough, they are my terms, they are my standards. Just do it ..follow the guide, change my views, and the results will come. It will look like whatever it does.  Its not really about me at all…It’s the nature of things. Remember when Neecha compared becoming a sotapana to putting on glasses when you need them: Once the glasses are on, I will see more clearly, it is just a matter of cause and effect.