As I promised, I went home from the retreat and I really considered exactly what my meltdown was about (since a little dirt on pants is usually something I’m pretty calm about) and if my deep dark concerns were really rational. I typed-up my initial analysis and sent it to Neecha. You can read the email below:

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Hey Neecha,

I hope you are doing well. I really want to thank you again for being there for me during the great Dharma Meltdown 2.0 last weekend. I have had about a week to triage the situation and, though I realize there are lots and lots of issues at work (like feeling cornered and out of control, unsure about monastic life, being forced, being judged, feeling out of place, wanting to be accepted) it dawned on me that the most urgent and stressful was the exact same view that was taking place in the homeless alana story (also the I don’t want to become a Sotapana story) — there are 2 alanas at war with each other, some ideal angelic alana I want to be and then a more mundane alana that I feel is lesser than the ideal but still something that I am very attached to — one alana “wins” the other “loses” and I am not the me I want to be.

In the homeless alana story, I wanted to be a good compassionate alana who “selflessly” hugs homeless people, but I also wanted to preserve and protect myself from their imagined disease. Meltdown alana wants to be a “good Buddhist”, someone who follows not just the rules but the spirit of the rules, is always at the temple, listens to every sermon, wears the robes,  turns away from the world for a life of practice; but I also want to preserve my life with Eric, the day-to-day activities I enjoy, the pleasures that I see as very un-Buddhist (Korean beauty products and wine …fyi I broke-out so bad from one of the Korean beauty products…not so pretty now) and I’m shameful to taint the “pure” Buddhist with my mundane life. My wrong view at the simplest level is that I can always be one alana, that it can always be my imagined ideal , that that ideal is even fixed and accurate, that its actually better for me to just be that one alana, that alanas exist in diametrically opposed pairs and I need to chose one — whichever I chose now is what I will always be. In reality, an alana, like a plant, has shiny green leaves on top and dirty roots under soil…like a plant the leaves and roots change and grow, wither, die…

But there is even more than that: In Homeless Alana I saw that both the alanas were based on total wrong views themselves. Fearful alana  had an irrational trail of imaginary (#4) permanences that got her from hug to horrible H1N1 death in 2 sec. flat. But compassionate alana was even crazier, she imagined (#4) that she knew what universal, unchanging, compassion looked like (based on my own experiences #3 and desires) , in this case hugs for the homeless, and that if I simply acted in the way I defined as compassionate I would then be, ipso facto, a compassionate person.

So, to bring this to the meltdown — mundane alana imagines that the things I enjoy will always be enjoyable to me, but that they are, somehow, fundamentally un-bhuddist. The only way to become some great Buddhist is intense sacrifice, now, and in my head I imagine staining my new white robes, which I was supposed to be able to keep pristine with my superhuman dharma infused carefulness, with tears over the loss of Eric and the life I loved. Just like homeless alana I have gone from 1 weekend wearing white to living in a cell doing whatever Buddhisty things real Buddhists do 100% of the time. Super awesome ninja Buddhist alana has already imagined that I know exactly what being this great Buddhist looks like (anti-Sotapana Alana had the same problem), what activities are “in” and what are “out” and if, like compassionate alana, I just act the part (that I created using my 3s and 4s and then which I also judge myself by) I am by definition a great Buddhist.

Here’s the thing though… this ideal Buddhist, just like compassion is a concept in my head (created by me in order to serve me). Real compassion, just like real enlightenment, is something you can’t just force by practicing the result. I actually have evidence from my own life: I couldn’t just stop being phobic of everything because I wanted to, or because on the outside I was acting all calm, fear abated when I saw real impermanence; when I tested the matrix over and over and came to see there is really no necessary relationship between what I fear and what actually happens.  Similarly, when I saw that with just one jury summons my joy over not being called earlier in the year turned to regret  since now I was qualified to serve, I saw how my desires, the things that make me happy, are so changeable — as a result I became so much less easily disappointed. Like with clothes, the more I contemplate the rips, the effort to dryclean, the disappointment pulling out from the box and having it not fit, the pain of sending it back, the limitations in the things ability to make me happy or to make me special –lets just say my monthly credit card bill has gone down. And as for compassion, I’m still not exactly sure what it “looks like”, but I look at myself, some one who is so much more forgiving, patient, appreciative, yielding, balanced then I used to be before the dharma.  I look at my relationships which are so much smoother and less contentious, and I have to assume that I am becoming way more “compassionate” than homeless alana possibly was. Ironically, the only Buddhisty thing I have tried that has made a huge difference for me (despite lots of chanting, fake compassion, meditating, mantras, studying, trying pretty unsuccessfully to be a disciplined and self sacrificey-type and feeling guilty about my failings {which went just great for me last weekend}) has been learning to recognize and fix my wrong views.

The reason why the story of the Bodhisattva and the mango tree (MahaJanaka Jataka) was so powerful for me is, I get it. I get how life can be all shades of awesome and one (me) could look at this world, my life, and think its just not worth it. Clearly, I’m not exactly ready yet to take a last wistful glance at my kingdom and head out for an acetic life, but, I do get it. I understand quitting smoking, quitting fishtank keeping, no longer obsessing over Tony’s pizza. I see how my everyday life is actually getting smaller, quieter, its less and I’m less, how I’m more reluctant to get entangled thoughtlessly, how I see the risks, I see the impermanence —everywhere.  The other thing I see is change. Back when I was 23 I remember thinking to myself –I can’t stay living in Nashville, everything closes by 2A.M., I am missing out on life, people, parties, by staying here. Now though, especially late at night,  mostly I just want to be home –alone–in the quiet (I have some theories on why for another day, but the alone and the quiet are definitely side effects of my Dharma practice).  What I want when I want it seems so permanent, but the truth is, what works now, what is appropriate now may not be tomorrow.

I know there is a lot more to go on this issue. I have a real deep-seeded tendency to think dualistically. Its yes or no, all or nothing. Happy space over there, suffering over here; exciting on trip, boring at home; stuff is right or wrong and I can judge; Mom is  bad guy I am vulnerable hero; Seth is an evil carnivore, I am a moral and lovable vegetarian, etc…In someways, this mental strictness works for me, it protects my sense of specialness, value, and makes me feel justified in my belief I deserve cookies not crap. The duality also helps me preserve the hope, the sense of worth-it-ness in the world, it parses the happiness from the sorrow and lets me compartmentalize, fantasize the possibility of one completely removed from the other, the perfect life. This past weekend though it did me no favors, I was in so much pain, I still feel a bit shaken by that level of emotion. And for peril… what if it caused me to give-up, to say since I can’t today be the Ninja Buddhist of my fantasy  now, better to turn-in the membership card all together. And while, I know, like seeing that optical illusion and not being able to unsee it, I can’t really go back, I can’t really quit seeing impermanence and suffering all around, I could humph around licking my wounds for a while and waste time instead of using this experience to further my practice.

Anyway, this at least is a start and a relief. Thank you thank you thank you again for being my Dharma friend even though there is leaf and roots…clarity and definitely lots of crazy.

Warmly,

A