Well Dear Reader, if you have followed even a few of my 100+ blogs to date, you will know one thing about me for sure –I am a worrier. ♪ I worry in the morning, I worry at night, I worry when it’s dark and I worry when its light. ♪ Sing it with me here ♪..I worry about my marriage, my beauty and my wealth; I worry when in sickness and I worry when in health. ♪ When life is going swell, I worry ‘cause ‘what the hell’. And when life is in the shitter worrying seems even fitter ♪…

Thanks for bearing with me while I got that out of my system…the point here is I worry.  The story is:

I was interviewing to find a new Development Coordinator at work, someone to help with gift entry, donor relations, events, etc. I had narrowed it down to two great candidates and arranged final stage interviews back to back on a Friday afternoon.  The first candidate, Raja, came in and I was blown away. He was amazing and the interview went amazing. We both knew it. I really thought my mind was made-up till the second candidate came-in, Lisa.

Lisa was weaker on paper, less experience, less time in the industry. But something about her character, honesty, judgment and true passion struck me. I surprised myself when, by the end of the interview, I had decided we needed to hire her. A few minutes before 5:00 PM, I went to my boss to discuss. We were both on the same page, Lisa it was, we would call first thing Monday morning and extend an offer.

As I was on my way home, I thought about all the times I had been in Lisa and Raja’s position — waiting. Waiting for news on a job, a test, a medical exam. Waiting and worrying, because worrying lives in the space/time of uncertainty.

But the fates of Raja and Lisa weren’t uncertain at all, I had already decided who I would hire. What, from their perspective was a space/ time of uncertainty, was from my perspective already a done deal, a foregone conclusion.

I realized my life is the same way. I take a test and I either passed or failed, so why do I worry till I get the grade ( and then have worry replaced by either satisfaction or  disappointment)? I take a medical screen and worry till I get the results even though the condition of health, or illness, was already existent well before the doctor called with the report.

A further note from present day Alana: When I was packing my bags and preparing for the move to NY, I wasn’t worried at all, I thought I was going to be just fine. I think we all know I was not…

My life is a rollercoaster of fear and hope, all of which take place while I wait for the news, wait for the future, wait to ‘know’ whatever it is I’m waiting for. But I am actually a terrible predictor of how things will turn-out, of when it’s ‘time to worry’  and when it’s time to chill (i.e. the great NY misadventure). I worry because I only see a tiny bit of this world out my window and I fear what is outside of my view. But the world is out there, the future is already being shaped, perhaps decided, so why all the worry?