I show-up at the Wat one day and LP Anan tells me that he and Mae Yo were talking about me the night before (uh-oh). They noticed that I have a problem (double uh-oh), my driving need to be compassionate (wha wha what how can this be a problem? Snap triple uh-oh), and I should go and solve it (easy as pie right?). So, in sum, my assignment was to notice the way that being a ‘compassionate’ person feeds into many of my stories, my life, and determine the wrong views that drive it and the harm it causes. Here is the contemplation that followed:

Back when I practiced Tibetan Buddhism, I had a favorite deity, Green Tara. Her main characteristic is that, out of compassion, she swiftly helps eliminate the fear of suffering beings. Without getting into a theology class here, you should know that  in Tibetan Buddhism, one of the main points of practice is to embody the qualities and characteristics of the deities you ‘practice’ (i.e. visualize and say mantras about). Upon consideration, it told me a whole lot that, out of all the Tibetan deities (and there are lots), the one I identified with, the one I wanted to ‘become’, was the compassionate fear remover, Green Tara.

I noticed straight off that one of my meta-themes is the idea that there is fearful alana and compassionate alana and the 2 exist at odds with one another (this can be seen in homeless alana story, blog 1). In the ideal world in my head, where I’m not crippled by self-absorbed fear, I am like Tara — my compassion side wins against my fear side and, by definition, my compassion side goes out and acts  to help other people remove their fear (let’s call this self-absorbed ‘compassion’).

Reality check — the ‘ideal world in my head’ is more like a fun house with all those crazy mirrors that warp images. Of course, in this fun house world, compassion goes out and force feeds everyone else my own medicine — no more fear. Since I’m afraid, everyone else must be too so I should go out and solve it (self-important much?).  So what does ‘solving it’ actually look like? What do I do? Mostly, I use the ‘golden rule’ to do to others exactly what I want done to me. So with my friend Sue, since I would want to lose weight, Compassion=a grocery bag full of crunchy compassionate kale. For Shack, the homeless guy, I would want someone to give me a hug so compassion is hugs for the homeless.

Bigger picture, I had a very rigid set of ethics that were informed by my ‘instinct’, i.e.,  I used my superpowers (goddess-like even) to determine what was right and wrong in every situation. As a note, the  wrong view here was exactly the same as with fear –that if I believe something it must be true (with fear it was the belief in the scary things that would happen, with compassion, it was the belief that what I felt was right must be right).

So this begs an interesting question –Why in the heck do I do all of this? I started thinking about my childhood (I now know  that tendencies like this run for many lives, but a single life can provide information, a snapshot, to work with). I’m the oldest of 2 kids. I realize that when it was just me things were going pretty well, then my brother, Seth,  was born and suddenly I have competition for my parent’s attention and love. Seth turned out to be an adorable, charming little devil and I didn’t really stand a chance against him. Except for that he was always causing trouble, being naughty and occasionally shooting pellets at small lizards and snakes. That was it — I could be  more ethical, more compassionate than him –I would save all the lizards, that would get me loved.

In addition, when I was a kid my Mom was sick with chronic illness. She spent a lot of time in bed and we had a number of other caregivers who would come and help-out. It made me feel vulnerable, I never knew exactly what each person wanted, how to please them and avoid punishment, so I was always trying to intuit what was good and bad behavior. I wanted rules and structure, a clear delineation of right and wrong, and I depended on my instincts to help me build them.

Here is the problem though (more wrong views), Can I really be a person with absolute value? Can I be GOOD? Can my value be determined by my behaviors (saving lizards)? By a set of rules that as long as I follow strictly, will make me valuable and therefore safe? Can I be universally worthy of love under any conditions? Can my value in other people’s eyes be based on my definition of  valuable (what if they hate lizards?)? Even if it could, are love and protection constant, based on my value; can I predict when I’ll get them and when I will lose them?

This last question really struck me and I started thinking again about my time practicing Vajrayana. Back then, I had promised my teacher that I wouldn’t quit, I had offered to come and be her student more seriously, to begin to help carry on the traditions of our linage. But then, I turned away from Vajrayana and I couldn’t fulfill my intentions, my promises. I was so afraid to tell her when I had started going to Wat SF. In my own mind, I thought my actions were a betrayal, that I was a promise breaker unworthy of her continued love and support. But when I told her what I had found at the Wat, she was happy for me. She supported me. This was the exact opposite of what I expected –in my mind, which was the real arbitrator of my sense of self value, I was worthless, a disappointment, so how could someone I loved and respected still love and support me? It really started to hit home that the way I saw my value, all wrapped-up in a very fixed set of proscribed actions, and the consequences of having or losing it just wasn’t true. It’s not how the world worked. It wasn’t how things worked with my old teacher at least…

I started considering the dangers of all this craziness and it dawned on me just how difficult and painful it was making my life, just how pained I constantly felt. In my relationship with others, I was constantly thinking I knew what they wanted/needed and was “helping” them accordingly (I’m sure Sue felt deeply helped by all that kale). Also, a natural extension of ‘instinctively’ knowing right and wrong was just how judgey I was —  just that morning I was on the bus giving the death stare (but a compassionate one 😉 ) to a woman taking-up 4 seats. Evil witch broke my moral code…but then, I don’t know her life, her story, her circumstances and besides, can I say I have never taken-up multiple bus seats myself? Can I say everyone needs to follow Alana’s Bus Etiquette (there is much much more on this topic to come)?   In my relationship with myself, I felt constantly inadequate, I derived my value based on a proscribed set of actions /ideals that I could never meet since I change, circumstances change, everything changes… And finally, I was living in fear of my own high and mighty moral code. Afraid that if I deviated from it, if I let go of being ‘ compassionate’, I would lose my way, err horribly, do unforgivable things and never become a person worthy of my own (and other’s) love and protection. Believe me when I say the road to hell, or at least endless rebirth, can  really be paved with good intentions and deeply wrong views.