Note from the present day: This story was one of my early contemplations on the slights and discomforts I face in my everyday life. The slights and discomforts I invite on in, in exchange for those sweet, snowy, moments I desire. As suffering goes, these little blips are barely perceptible and so easily forgotten. But it is actually their normality,  their pervasiveness, that make them such compelling evidence of the trade offs, the sufferings for enjoyments, I chose. Because the ‘sufferings’ are so ‘small’ I will bold the ones I caught in my story. Perhaps you, Dear Reader, can catch a few more…

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Needless to say, us Miami girls don’t get too many snow days growing up. So, when a friend invited me to use his cabin in Tahoe on the weekend a big blizzard was set to strike, I was excited like a kid in a candy store (on a snow day).  

Eric and I drove up on Friday and I set the alarm for frightfully early on Sat. when the snow was supposed to start — I didn’t want to miss out on even a moment of snow. 6 AM, no snow. 7 AM no snow, 8 AM no snow. For hours I paced, between the window and the weather report on TV, just waiting for my winter wonderland to begin.

Before the first flakes hit the ground at 8:30, I was pestering my husband to get up and get ready to go play in the snow. Annoyed, he complied, dressing and grumbling, driving and rolling his eyes, till we got up to one of the ski lodges where we could spend the day and watch the snowy show.

Except, since we weren’t actually guests in the lodge, I had to earn my keep, ordering mediocre food, too many drinks, the massages, all stuff I didn’t really want to have or to have to pay for. But all worth it in my mind for the dazzling winter display on the mountain.

As the snow got harder however Eric and I started to worry about getting back down the mountain again. Slowly, anxiously, we drove down the icy roads back to our cabin below. We made it so far, got so close, only a mile left to the cabin and off the road we drift into a huge pile of snow.

The car was stuck.  As I assessed the reality of being stuck, in the freezing cold, getting dark, side of the road in Tahoe, my inside voice is just screaming, “fuck fuck fuck”. I used my outside voice to call AAA, “What do you mean there is a 7 hour wait for roadside assistance …  fuck fuck fuck.”

We walked the last mile back to the cabin and we waited. Of course, we eventually go the car towed out. By morning, the roads had been cleared, the sun was shining, and we drove back to SF where we lived happily ever after. The End.

Waaaaiiiittt a  sec, not soooo fast on that fairytale ending.  

On the way home, I caught myself planning for the next time; what I would do different, the tire chains I would bring, the more central lodge I would stay at, the tweaks I could make (control) to have the pretty snow, but without the slights, the inconveniences. Hell, maybe I could even figure out how to get the snow without it being so darn cold…

The snow, it was pretty, for sure (at least until I ended in a ditch filled with it), but was it worth it? Once the sun had come out,  and I had hindsight on the prior day, it all started feeling like an adventure, a fun story to tell friends, a trial, for sure, but one I had come-out on the top of. But, I couldn’t help wonder, when will it be enough? What if I got hurt? If Eric was hurt? If the car had required pricey repairs?

Even without it getting too serious, when do all those slights and pin pricks add up to pain? What do they show me about this world? About what my life is made of? About what shadow side comes lurking with my desires and the pleasure of fulfilling them?

Present day Alana can’t help wonder if the little pains I incurred chasing my small snowy dreams might have been a warning to me. If I had really understood, would I be suffering so hugely today with the disappointment and aggravation of a NY life incurred by chasing my big NY dream? I dedicate this blog to learning my own lessons, absorbing them deep in my heart, so that one day, I am free of making the same mistakes over and over again.