Ever since I was a kid, I wanted a fish tank. I’m not talking about the small bowl you throw a goldfish into, I am taking the mega fancy big tanks with the super colorful fish. My Mom used to take me to the fish store so I could stare in awe as a kid.  Each tank its own little world, pretty, and orderly and perfectly balanced. When I moved to Texas, now as an adult, the dream was fueled further because every doctor’s office, shopping mall, and lobby in Houston seems to have an amazing tank. Well hell, I was an adult, working my first job, I was going to buy that tank I had always wanted.

That first tank was a passion project. I constructed the environment with such care, piling rocks and choosing substrate. I studies-up about the fish I wanted, picked out the right number and combo for the tank. A rainbow of colors and an army of fish each doing their own jobs, the cleaners, bottom feeders, fancy fish, etc. Finally –I was in control of my own, beautiful, perfectly balanced little universe. For about 4 months…

The cute cleaner catfish I had picked out were getting picked-on by their aggressive tank mates. I began to worry they would be killed and, I did love them so much. The solution…another tank to put the catfish in. And so it began, the 3 year run-up of fishtanks each one to solve some problem, to uplevel, to make me a bigger and better master of my fish universes. I put the catfish in a tank and wanted to put plants in, but the catfish swam around the bottom too fast for plants to grow. So..I got a planted tank. The planted tank was so successful I wanted to try a marine tank. So…I got a marine tank. All the fish in the marine tank, except for one little clownfish, kept dying to I moved over to a coral only tank…

The fishtanks of my memory, in malls and stores were so pretty, soothing and calm. I imagined that is just what I would get in my home. But, what I actually got with my own fishtanks was fish drama — work, problem solving, cleaning, dead fish, new ‘needs’ for new tanks constantly arising. I thought I was going to get little universes I could control, but I got universes that controlled me. That made me problem solve for bullied fish and delicate plants.

It turns out those little fishtank universes are not at all like I thought.  I saw a snapshot, a frozen moment in time, of pretty manicured fishtanks in fish stores. I never saw the care that takes place after hours. All the dead fish were scooped out and flushed long before customers could see them.

The tanks, like this world, are not what I thought they were. I thought they were the one sec. snapshot. They were frozen. I didn’t see the work that went into them. I thought I could have that pretty snapshot, one side. I could control my sense of calm. I could control the experience. But instead I got fish fucked…. When I finally gave away my last tank, found a good home for all the fish, I swore — no more tanks ever again. I still like to go into fish stores, see all the pretty, picture perfect tanks. And then I turn around and walk away , never tempted to bring any of those fish home.  Now I just need to learn the same lesson for everything else…ugh.