I was walking around the farmer’s market and saw a bundle of kale that looked delicious; crispy and green, my mouth was watering as I imagined a crunchy salad for dinner. The problem, I had no cash.  

I went back inside and got in the painfully long line for the ATM.  5 minutes goes by and I have barely moved an inch, 10 minutes, 15 minutes and now, I have to pee so bad, but I can’t lose my spot in line. I’m shifting my weight, trying to avoid doing the all-out pee dance in public and I realized — If I want the kale I need to accept the ATM line that goes with it. A few inches forward…if I want to live in San Fran, I have to stomach  the crowds that come with it. Nearing the machine…if I want to keep my job I have to tolerate the late night concerts that come with it. One more person ahead of me…if I like the money that comes with my husband’s high paying job, I have to bear his crazy hours.  It’s finally my turn… because I’m enamored with this world, with this life, with being born, I have to endure all the aging, sickness, disappointment, loss and death that come along with it.

The things I like, I want, so often come with parts I don’t want (always actually, but it took longer to realize that) –its beyond my control that the two sides are woven together. Its like a red and blue carpet, only I don’t like the blue part. The problem is, if I start pulling out the blue threads the whole thing comes undone, its just not a carpet anymore. I never liked looking at the downsides of my desires, but whether or not I acknowledge them, they are there. Its part of the contract I sign to get something, the consequences are built into the terms.

This very short contemplation turned out to be pivotal for several reasons:

1. It was the beginning of being able to see the costs of my desires. Without seeing the costs it’s impossible to ask the question —  is it worth it?   
2. I saw clearly that ultimately the downsides,  disappointments and sufferings of my life are not caused by other people, they are part of the contract I signed, they arise based on my wants,  decisions, and  beliefs (wrong views). Sure, I could blame the kale seller for charging too much, the other folks in the ATM line for being too slow, the coffee shop for making my coffee so strong I needed to pee…but in the end, who wants the kale (me)? In other terms, I  bought the carpet, I have to accept the red and blue, the colors come together after all and it’s the mix of threads that make-up a carpet.
3. Looking at the suffering, the things I don’t want which attach themselves to the things I do, (costly kale, long atm lines, crowds and late nights at work) proves my lack of control. If I had control, I would have been given free kale, or at least had no atm line, or a speedy line, or not needed to pee while in line, but I was powerless in each of these regards.

Control is the thing I keep hoping will keep me safe from suffering, but my own suffering proves my lack of control. In other words: Before I had believed that because I don’t control I suffer. My persistent belief is that this will somehow get better, that with some effort I can tweak-it and “win”. But this  belies my actual experiences in everyday life.

In the end, I did get my Kale and ate a yummy salad. Its so easy after that to forget the long line, the frustrated waiting, the painfully full bladder. But they were all real and after this contemplation, ignoring, forgetting, blaming others for the costs became much much harder.