Once upon a time, long long ago… LP Anan gave some homework: “Tell an old story again. Tell a story in which you usually speak as the victim , as the person in the right, again. This time, tell the story as the villain, as the person who was wrong.” Here is that home work:

Back when I was in undergrad I had a pretty serious boyfriend, we’ll call him Chris. Chris was super-smart, academically ambitious and always up for a new adventure–these were qualities I really liked in him, some of the reasons I started dating him in the first place. Now that I look back at it, I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me that when he got accepted to Oxford as a transfer student he jumped at the opportunity to go — and to leave me behind.

It wasn’t just the distance that caused the end of our relationship, it was my anger and pain that Chris chose his schooling and career over staying with me. I told him ahead of time that he had to choose — me or Oxford — I was so hurt and surprised that he chose school

For years I felt like I was the slighted ex-girlfriend, the victim. Now however I see a different side of the story– I see how I was wrong:

1) I set the conditions — I wanted a partner who was ambitious, smart, well traveled and open to new experiences. It was those very qualities that helped enable Chris to get into Oxford and make him want to go.  I liked all of these aspects of his personality when they were ‘for me’ (i.e. defined me as that awesome persons’ girlfriend  or when I could enjoy his wit, or help with homework) but as soon as they were ‘against me’ I was upset. I see now that if I wanted to enjoy what I saw as the good aspects of Chris’ personality/ability I had to be able, willing, even expect the bad side too. Not to mention the good-side/ bad side is totally subjective. Chris’ new wife may consider him and I breaking-up as a good side after all. Now, years later..so do I.

2)I had crazy double standards (another aspect of setting conditions) — I was so hurt that Chris did not put me ahead of his education, that I wasn’t the priority in his life. It’s worth noting that I had a choice, I could have quit school and moved to Oxford to be near Chris. So, by the same standard I held him to, he wasn’t a priority in my life either. When I really internalize, I see that I did the exact same thing as Chris, but I wanted him to treat me differently than I treated him.  

3) I missed the impermanence in the situation — I created all sorts of very permanent situations in my head at the time that simple were not true. I believed that if Chris’ priority was Oxford it would always be Oxford. In reality, priorities change constantly. I felt that by going to Oxford it definitely meant that it was his priority over me, in reality there could be reasons that he chose to go to Oxford because he thought it would be best for me and our relationship (like getting a better paying job). I also felt that a ‘good relationship’ is one where partners prioritize each other (see irony from number 2), I failed to realize that there are many types of relationships that can work for different couples across different times.

4) I should have been softer/yielded more (or I should have looked more carefully at the suffering of the situation)–  Ok, this one is a bit less precise, but let me try. During the whole break-up I was so harsh. I need to be ‘right’ and I need to be important. I swung around ultimatums and harsh words. I guess now, as I look back, I just feel like the harshness wasn’t worth it (See my earlier blog on yielding and the bee). Even if it was time for the relationship to end, it didn’t have to end in such a forceful way. Perhaps it wouldn’t have ended at all if I had been softer and allowed for the idea that I could be number 2 priority; either way a crazy fit of pain and range and bad speak and actions did not need to ensure.  I just feel like I created more suffering (for myself and him and our friends) than less all because of this sense of needing to be something or someway.