I was reading a short story that got me thinking about Karma. The extra short version goes something like this…

A woman was sitting on a train trying to read, when a man came, sat down next to her and started talking. She was busy, not interested in a conversation, and politely found a way to excuse herself. The story ends with this man committing suicide by jumping off the train and the woman ravished by guilt that she may have been able to stop him, if only she had taken the time and talked to him.

As the reader, I certainly didn’t think the woman did anything wrong or that she was at fault for the man’s suicide. But the character in the story imagines it is her fault, she takes on the guilt, she creates the karma, the little black mark on her heart that one way or another she will pay for.

Naturally, my thoughts turned inward, to me, my life, and a parallel situation… Back when Eric and I first started dating he lived in New York and he liked it . He had a job as a programmer that he enjoyed and took pride in, it gave him lots of time for self improvement and hobbies as well. When I left for Grad School in Nashville I invited him to join me and he did. He went on to get a business degree and work in HR but he has never really liked his work as much as back when he was programming. He has been so busy and not had as much time for outside activities. For years and years I blamed myself for taking Eric away from his “goodlife” in NY. I felt like I had ruined his life and I owed him a special debt for it that I didn’t even know how to repay, even after we were married. I tried though…especially when it came to the topic of deciding when and where to move, I had a bias for yielding to Eric’s wishes so I didn’t again hurt him through a move.

It wasn’t until I started really thinking about control that my perception shifted— First off, I started seeing that there were some details about Eric’s “goodlife” in NY that my rosey memory had excluded. Eric was lonely and had been looking for a partner for a long time. He had tried numerous efforts to find a partner and still he had no real luck –coming with me and being my partner fulfilled a need of his own and wasn’t just a sacrifice for me. 9/11 happened and he lost his programming job and was actually between jobs when we went to Nashville. Eric had considered business school before we dated, but didn’t pursue it.. Thinking it through, I realized both that NY wasn’t all sunshine and there were lots of factors, other than myself, that influenced his decision to move. I realized that I had painted myself as the center of the story of Eric’s decision, his life, and blamed myself for my own perception of what went wrong. It was giving myself a bit too much credit ;).

As I began to see that I may have been a factor in Eric’s life change, but certainly wasn’t in control of it (not the cause) I really did feel my sense of indebtedness to him lessen. It hasn’t changed my day-to-day behaviors toward him so much, but in my heart I feel freer. It made me see how the way I interpret a situation  can color the sense of responsibility I have and the connections that that fosters.

Just like with the woman on the train, my belief that I caused Eric’s actions and the results that proceeded, burdened me, and created a sense of debt that played-out in my behaviors toward him. If I hadn’t investigated the wrong views underlying this guilt, it would likely still be playing-out and I would be saddled with a sense of debt I didn’t know how to repay.

So that’s it right? (drumroll for my very first karma though) We are the ones that interpret a behavior / situation, assign it emotional weight  and then create our karma. There is no one else out there assigning points for our actions, keeping score, no great being in the sky dictating that for action X you will receive result Y.. .all this stuff is happening in our hearts.

Clarity, karma is something I create. It’s all on me, in my head, in my heart, I got this. But not so fast….what happens when someone else karma zaps me??? Stay tuned for next week’s 2nd kamic contemplation, Karma as Something Generated by the Intention and Interpretation of Others…