I was strolling around one of those poppy art galleries in the Mission and there was an exhibit composed entirely of quotes on the wall.  Front and center was 1 line of text that really struck a chord in my heart – “I am always afraid my umbrella will get wet.”

Immediately my mind started racing, after all, what’s the purpose, the nature, of an umbrella, it’s something that gets wet. Being afraid of that is just crazy right? But look at me, with my fear and paranoia around health and death.  What is the purpose of my body? What is its nature? A body is something we use to move through the world, and in the process it gets worn, it breaks down, gets sick, gets injured and dies. No matter how well we try and care for our bodies, the wear and tear comes hand-in-hand with the purpose of body. Just like getting wet comes hand-in- hand with the purpose of umbrella. But me, I live in fear of the nature of my body and I am always running around trying to find the most ridiculous ways to fight it…squiggly fade-out to past memory…

Last time I had been to the Dr. my blood sugar was a touch high, not diabetic, not pre-diabetic, but slightly above the goal that “Life Extension” magazine suggested I should target in the hopes of living just shy of forever.  So I decide I’m going to ‘fix-it’ with the latest greatest national supplement, green coffee extract.  I started feeling the “energizing” effects of the coffee extract almost immediately, still who wouldn’t trade a little jitteriness and insomnia for near immortality? Then, 3 days into ‘treatment’, I started peeing myself. Yup, apparently all that stimulating green coffee was over-stimulating my bladder too, result — incontinence. Perhaps you can imagine my mortification of discovering this tiny unwanted side effect while in the middle of a meeting with my boss…

I was so busy ‘controlling’ my blood sugar I lost control of my bladder, one of the most basic of bodily functions. Let’s just say, this was a trade-off (a cost, a consequence, suffering), I was totally unprepared for.

But here, with this story I really started to ask myself how much can I control my body? To what extent and at what cost? What are the tradeoffs, the risks (besides the unpleasant state of constant terror) of holding on so tightly?  Can I really live in this body without decay? Can I walk in the rain with an umbrella and avoid it getting wet?