Dear Reader — This blog is a direct continuation of the last blog, I Won’t Be Leaving on That Jet Plane. If you haven’t already read that one go ahead and do so before you continue here.

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Over one weekend nothing outside really changed. And yet, a whole new ‘Jet set’ life, with new possibilities, was born in my head. And then in my head it died. Was Jet inherently risky/undesirable (as I had assumed at the start of the weekend) or was it an escape from the risk of Eric’s company, to a secure and wonderful new life (as I assumed by the end of the weekend)? It’s like Schrodinger’s Cat *, alive/dead at the same time, risky/safe NY at the same time, awesome/shitty job at the same time, it all just depends on the perspective of the viewer. It depends on my perspective… Step 1 of easing my pain and seeing the truth – see clearly that it is me, my perception, that is generating it in the first place.

Squiggly line fade-out……….

I was sitting in a pool at my favorite resort in Sonoma, relaxing and thinking, “this pool IS relaxing.” Then I noticed all the dead bugs. I though, “this pool, which I think of as relaxing is a death trap to those bugs.” The water is just water, the pool just a pool, but its value, its meaning, that is subjective.

Jet is a job, NY is a city. Are these things good or bad? Relaxing or death trap? Neither or both? The truth is I wasn’t sure. The problem is my fact finding and interpretation skills are notoriously crappy, bringing me to Step 2 of easing my pain and seeing the truth – prove that I am a fickle little liar.

Well, this blog is certainly filed with evidence that, at best, my interpretations of situations change as do my desires. Shit, the Jet story alone is strong evidence… after all in 48 hours both my reading of the situation and my desire changed. There is the jury duty story, vegetarian/pork loving alana, the sponge in the forest story. Even whether I think oatmeal is healthy or toxic has changed 4 times in 8 years. I, my mind, they change.

Moreover, I am a liar. I lied about me being the victim and my Mom the evil victimizer. I lied about my Dad being a saint and my Mom being a devil. I lied about what it is to cheat, about my value as an employee, about my being a compassionate alana just because I give hugs to homeless people. I lie/tell stories because it makes me feel I can control the way I am seen by others and how I see myself. I lie to uphold the self-created “narrative of the world” that I am a good person, good people get good outcomes, so I am safe from harm (this is a serious summarizing of a number of past blogs).

Step 3 of easing my pain and seeing the truth – poke around till I find reality.

In just a few days I reinterpreted the Jet situation. It went from negative/risky to safe/desirable to hella disappointment in a flash. It just swung from one extreme to the next. In truth, Jet, NY, water and pools, all contain risks and safety, pros and cons. Imagine that—its like there are two sides. But my imagination played favorite with certain ‘facts’ so first Jet was revolting and then, with new ‘facts’ with new re-imagining, it was desirable. No neutral heart to be found here. Hence, the suffering…

So the final step, ask the question — Is it worth it? (i.e. what is the suffering of the situation) — It was such a painful week. The suffering had so many components:

1)The first was the pains it took to change my perception. First I worried about Jet and security, then I had to convince myself to take it to see it as safe. Once I did…

2) I experienced the pain of loss. I had already assumed an identity and it was rejected, taken from me. I in fact felt worse than if I had never had it. Because, in order to sell it to myself as a good outcome, as desirable, I had to build it into my identity. When the identity was crushed it made me feel hopeless for the future and a sense of loss of the opportunity.

3) Jet made Eric’s current work situation feel even more “risky,” like we had missed our best escape raft. In order to convince ourselves to take the Jet job we had drawn a future with Jet in it and that by being there my need for security was met. Therefore, losing it, by definition, had to make me less secure. Already feeling that way heightened sensitivity to insecurity, it made other options outside of the secure Jet seem worse. When evidence, possible layoffs, came our way, I immediately read it back into the Jet is secure narrative I had written just to convince myself to take it. By creating an imaginary island of security, I actually succeeded in making myself feel more insecure when I had to deal with all situations off that island.

Worse, when I create islands in my mind, places to go or places to avoid, I set the conditions for trying to navigate there or away. I set conditions for continued re-birth. I set conditions for struggle. In this lie I already lived on the island I wanted.

4) In just the course of the weekend I experienced the pain of uncertainty, the sheer turmoil and grief of deciding and then the excitement and then the let down. My emotions took a roller coaster ride just based on what I wanted, based on what I imagined it would be.

It makes me reflect on how painful life is, how changeable my desires are. And then how feeble my joy and disappointment are. So much struggle hinging on desires and imaginations that change constantly. Just because in my mind they feel so real, so permanent. The solution then, find neutral, re-train my mind to see when my imagination runs wild, and bring it back to center, to seeing both sides…

Final thought from present day Alana – The ironic part of this story is, at the time, I was so disappointed that Eric didn’t get the Jet job, that we didn’t move to NY. Now however, I see it as a reprieve. I hate NY so much…had I known then what I do now, I would have celebrated like an inmate on death row that gets a stay of execution, a stay in San Fran for another few years. Further proof still…I’m a fickle little liar.