From as early as I could remember, my parents, my teachers, my community, were all training me, grooming me for a job. The particular job didn’t really matter so much, but it had to be something white collar, managerial/officey. In the upper middle class Jewish community I grew-up in, doctors, lawyers, accountants were first choices, but, being the do-gooder I was, my gig as a nonprofit fundraiser was perfectly acceptable. The main point is, in my community, in my mind, productive members of society had jobs. Certain jobs were more valuable than others, no job at all was just lazy and useless.

But as I considered a move to Chicago, I also considered getting a new job and it dawned-on me, I wanted a break. My husband and I didn’t really need the money from my salary, and I wanted time to pursue other interests. But, what kind of bum doesn’t have a job? What kind of woman lets her husband support her? Oy the feminists were going to come after me with pitchforks…

I was so embarrassed to even thinking about a break, afraid that saying it out loud would cause everyone to stop, stare and judge. I even though…hum, if I could not have a job, but lie about it somehow so no one knew would that work? Yup in my mind that evoked concern over  being a liar, but not being seen as a useless bum. So here was the issue –1)  I was afraid of what everyone would think of me if I didn’t have a job. 2) More deeply, I was afraid that everyone shared my judgement (wrong view) that people with jobs are more valuable and that if I didn’t have one then I am less valuable. 3) If everyone thought that, then it must be true..a jobless alana was less valuable, had less status, than a gainfully employed alana. Maybe if I was a secret bum I could live with my diminished value, but no way could I live with everyone seeing me as a failure.

LP Nut sent me off with a little homework on this topic: How does what people say/think of me affect my value?

1. Does what folks think about me determine my value? What about when one person’s opinion changes? Or they have conflicting opinions?  When I was a kid I had a love hate/relationship with my nextdoor neighbor. Sometimes we were friends and other times enemies…did my value, or his, change by the fight? Now that we are adults and friends, does it erase all the times I thought him a menace? I have done work that my boss thinks is extremely valuable to the company, but also made mistakes that cost us money so which is it–am I a valuable employee or someone who destroys company value? One time, a friend, high on drugs, thought I had betrayed her. When she sobered-up she realized she had hallucinated the whole thing –was I a bad friend while she was hallucinating and a good one when she sobered? Does it matter I wasn’t even there for the whole thing (it really was entirely in her imagination)? Could my friend’s beliefs alone make me a particular thing, a good friend/bad friend?
2. What is people’s perception of my value even based-on? Back when I was a kid there was a bully in my class who picked-on me so much. He wanted to be one of the popular kids and what better way then picking on an unpopular kid like me? Fast forward to high school, after I had “blossomed” and become a very pretty, very popular, girl. I ran into this same kid at the mall and suddenly he wanted my number, wanted to go on a date. Now he didn’t want someone to bully he wanted a girlfriend. My value to him changed based on his needs. My family and friends may look down on me when I quit my job, but what if someone gets sick and I am available to care for them, then my value to them would go up. I ultimately can’t control other people’s wants and needs, so there is in fact no way for me to control my value to them.
3. If the opinion of someone I deeply value changes/ends what happens to me and my value? Specifically, when my father was alive, he was my world. Almost everything I did, I did with his opinion of me in mind. Most of all, I cherished his love and valuing of me and I pained at the times I disappointed him.  When he died, did my value as a person end? Did it stop at the moment of his death? Or, as long as I stay within the framework of what I thought he valued, am I safe? Still valuable? And to whom?

Does everyone even agree with what is and isn’t valuable? Is it the same as what I think? Do I even think the same things are valuable across time and space?

I actually got started on this job contemplation when I mentioned to LP Nut I was considering a break from work. He nodded at me sagely and said, “you have had enough”, like it was a fine accomplishment.  LP Anan, who was sitting nearby chimed-in, he thinks a break is a great idea, more time for Dharma practice. My husband, sitting next to me also thought a break was good, more time for him. These people who I respect tremendously, clearly did not agree with me that a jobless alana was a worthless alana.  So why was it a belief I was clinging to?

The truth is that  job=value (or anything else=value) is just my standards, my judgements, shaped by my experiences and my imaginations of what having a particular job would actually look like. My Dad, who I already mentioned, was a huge force in shaping my worldviews, thought that work was valuable. It’s not surprising I ended-up with the same conclusion.  

But, I couldn’t even follow my own “rules” all the time. Did I veiw my father as less valuable when he retired (no of course not)? Would I stop loving my husband if he lost his job (again no)? One of the people in my life I feel great gratitude and love for was the housekeeper who helped take care of me when I was growing up — is she less valuable to me because her job is as a housekeeper not a Dr. lawyer or  accountant?  When I was in school I had no job, where was my value then?

On another topic, I used to think being a vegetarian was valuable, made me a good person. When I was a vegetarian, some folks agreed, some folks made fun of me or sighed at having to chose a restaurant that suited my needs. Now, I see the wrong views that imbued vegetarianism with a particular positive value and I see the negative consequences that came with it, to my health, to my relationships, to my ability to be flexible and have fewer conditions in my life (see blog The Buddhist who Loves Bacon).So did not eating meat/eating meat change my value?

If my own standards are variable, how can I live in fear that I won’t meet someone elses’, which may or may not be the same as mine, which may or may not be the same across time? I like to control how people perceive me in order to sway them, persuade them, get their love. But can I control their perception of me with a job? At all? If their value of me is based on their needs, their beliefs, how can I control my value to them without controlling their needs? Their hopes? Their imaginations? Thats impossible. So that brings us to the big question: Where exactly is my value? What exactly is it? Is it like gold stars and black frowny faces that sick on my heart? Do I just count how many of each I have to know if I’m good or bad?

While I was walking around, contemplating my value, I noticed dandelions on the road. I thought, they are beautiful, a splash of color, they made me smile. But, in a garden they are weeds, choking out the intended plants. So which are they beautiful flowers or pesky weeds? It depends on the situation, on who you ask, on if you are walking on a path or tilling your garden. I like to blow them when they dry and make a wish, but when I’m done, the stem is just trash, and I do hate when those little spores stick in my clothes. Even in a single moment then, those flowers have an upside and a downside,a wish and trash, a positive and negative value.

My own beliefs, my needs, my circumstances,  they determine the things I think are valuable. But these things are always changing, and my sense of valuable adjusts with them. My value can’t be pinned down, its not in a particular time or place. But my desire to name it, know it, control it causes me suffering. I think I have some value now, as an employee, as a contributing member of society, and with that comes the pressure to preserve and grow that value. How can I just throw it all way to become a lazy no good bum?

This contemplation served as the foundation for my considering the 8 Worldly Conditions. Stay tuned, that story is coming-up soon…