This blog is the beginning of a series where I will share a selection of the daily dhamma data collection/ exercises, which I committed to for the 2018 Vassa period.  Today’s selection will all be highlights from the month of August, 2018. For more details on the exercise and commitment, please see the previous blog.

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Impermanence

• Expected a friend to meet me for dinner but she canceled last min. At first, I was a little sad, but then Eric unexpectedly got of early, so I was happy when he cooked me an awesome homemade meal instead

 

• I bought a pair of pants at the store. I liked the fit so much I bought a second pair, in a different color, online. When they arrived, I was shocked and disappointed they didn’t fit at all –they were supposedly the same pants

 

• I walked into my local grocery store where I have been shopping for a long while. I hadn’t been in for a few weeks and this time the store was totally rearranged and half of it had become a sweets shop. I worried they had gotten rig of the fish section, but I learned it had just been moved.

 

• I didn’t check the train schedule and just assumed there would be a 12:40 train because there has been one before. This time, I was right, there was train and I made it to Thai class on time. But I started thinking how what I am used to/have experienced before is the foundation of expectations. After all, a friend who is always late, is in fact late, I don’t fret — in fact I plan for it, arriving a few minutes late to meet her myself. But a train, that I expect to be on time, I plan for it, when the train is not timely my disappointment sets in. The thing is… Impermanence is a pattern –that is the point of these exercises — it’s what happens all the time, so why am I upset by it?

 

• Eric started making me morning tea, out of the blue. The first day I was so happy and surprised the second day too. By day 3, I was less surprised but still happy. On day 4, when he again made me my tea I realized I had been expecting it. It had quickly turned from a flattering surprise to an expectations. How long till I think it is an entitlement? And the, do I become upset when Eric stops making me tea for some reason?

 

• I went to the bathroom before Thai class, as I flushed I got to thinking, “how did I get in here, I don’t remember grabbing the key?” Before I leave the restroom, I look everywhere for the key so I can return it to the language school, but it is nowhere. After class I asked the front desk person about the bathroom key. He told me the bathroom door had broken a few months ago (I had been using a key the whole time without needing it). He said he didn’t report it to the building because it is so much more convent for him now to not need a key. *present day note: This particular example is one that really hit me hard. My level of confusion at being in the bathroom without the key, my fear I had lost it, was so extreme the example hit home. I clearly saw that I can be totally wrong about the circumstances of the world. Fooled by what had been, and what I think continues to/should be.

 

• I went to tour the oldest African American church in the country today. Such a beautiful bright yellow space. They had restored it in the 70s and one part of the wall was left behind in its original condition… Crumbling and dilapidated, framed behind glass. It was so shocking to see what it was versus what it is now.

 

• Our Airbnb has a mold problem and my asthma is so triggered I have to sleep outside. It caught me unprepared, off guard, but the truth is, this has happened before: In Japan, in Miami, at a hotel in Sonoma. Over and over I have had asthma issues at hotels. But I conveniently ‘forget’, get surprised every time I think the pictures look so fancy, the ratings are good, that must mean it is the perfect place.

 

• I saw 1 tree starting to change color even though every other is still green. It really struck me, the outlier tree, the “freak” the thing that seems unnatural. But if it exists in this world, in nature, it is natural –why do I think my judgment and expectations will predict and govern the world?

 

• I started really noticing more trees changing. Just a few, or maybe a few leaves. I internalized. Though of how these trees, with just a few reddening leaves are like me. The age spots on my nose that were really bothering me this AM. The veins on my face like the ones coming through on leaves. Skin more brittle, more prone to splotching. The sagging breast, face, like the stems of these fall trees weaken, sag, begin to fall. So much sensitivity in my body now, not so vibrant and resilient. Like a simple breeze that begins knocking down fall leaves. And the smell, must, mold, like my own body odor changing Impermanence in the world and impermanence in my own form.

 

Lack of Control

• I caught a whiff of my armpits and I smelled so bad. I realized I had forgotten to put on deodorant this morning. Just one day without it and this is how I smell – do I really control this body?

 

• I leaned down to put on shoes and I hear a rip, my new pants, that I like so much, tore. I’m so sad, now I need to figure a way to fix or replace them… Why was this so unexpected? Why don’t I see my pants are subject to rip just like all other pants. I don’t control these pants.

 

• I put a pair of spanx on to go out, looked in the mirror and thought of how pretty I looked. I had wrangled my fat, squeezed it in, got it so the dress would zip. But then I thought ahead, to later that night when I would peel the spanx off again. It this temporary taming of fat really control? If I had control would I be fat in the first place?

 

• I got to the train station and GPS kept talking even though I had arrived; I was rushed and so annoyed with the thing even though it was actually doing what it’s supposed to do-give directions. I want it to talk when I’m lost, and shut up when I’m found. Even my things working, perfectly well, I’m not pleased with 100% of the time. I don’t control the phone and I don’t control my feelings about it.

 

• I had gone on a trip with my Mom and suddenly I realized I didn’t have control of even the most basic aspects of my daily life. When to eat, where to go, how long to stay. Suddenly these were joint decisions. Thigs negotiated with my mom. Things I often found myself yielding to avoid a fight. All it takes is one trip, one change of circumstance and the most basic aspects of my life –the things I so deeply believe are mine to control – are not.

 

• I sat in my seat at Amtrak train. I want quiet, but can’t control guy next to me taking long, loud call

 

• I was cleaning house and trying to put bottles away. Eric got annoyed because he uses them for cooking, but I like a clean house. Who really controls the space?

 

• My phone is losing juice fast and I worry I won’t make it home before the charge runs out. I have to stop what I am doing and head home early to charge the battery. I think this phone is under my control, but it literally forces my behavior

 

Not So Special Now Are Ya?

• I was in yoga class this morning and as I tried to get into a pose, my knees started hurting. I remember a few times I went to classes when I was younger, fitter, I had thought critically about all the beginner students and the older folks that couldn’t get into the poses well, that needed special props. But today is my turn to struggle. As Neecha said, the reason I feel special/ exempt/ like bad things won’t befall me is I don’t have enough evidence. I just don’t see that it has happened, that it will. But here is evidence with my own body, my yoga practice, that I already am facing an end to my exemption/exceptionalism. Ageing and loss of skill is happening to me.

 

• I was reading the news and saw a story about Trumps neweffort to prevent legal migrants from getting citizenship, my heart lurched and I felt hate for him. I started thinking, my usual response to bad news is how I’m special/ exempt/ safe. Bad shit is what goes on over there, to someone else. But here in America shit is getting scary: Intolerance, bigotry, the erosion of democracy. Why should I believe here, where I live is special? Why believe I am safe? Once Germany was a Golden Age democracy and then Hitler rose to power. What about America? American? History shows changes, swings, and now I see one on my own yard. Just like with the yoga classes, it was just a matter of time before it was my turn, my country’s turn for decline.

 

• Today is my birthday, a day where I feel extra special, expect others to treat me special. But when I think about it, how special is a birthday when everyone has one? I only think I’m special bc what I think I’m exempt from/ hadn’t happened yet, or it’s happened and I forget. Kind of like a birthday — I zoom in to one day, one moment and in it I am special, but if I zoom out I see birthdays happen every day and for everyone.

 

• Last night, walking home from the theatre, I saw a couple: The woman was laying down on a bench, with a blanket, like she was camped for the night. She was touching the knee of a man sitting, wearing a dirty business suit. It really struck me, way more than the homeless folks I normally see, it made me want to help, to do something. I realized it was the guy in the suit, the lovingness of their gestures toward each other — it felt relatable to my life, made me see that even happy couples, young folks, people once successful enough to wear a suit, can fall on hard times too.  The suit reminds me of my dad, or Eric, a rupa form to say, “buttoned-up, professional, financially stable.” But here was a man in a suit on the streets, unable to shelter himself or partner. I started thinking about if suits really mean success. Can they make someone successful, protect them from falling from that state? Clearly no, this is evidence in front of me. And can successful men protect their loved ones? Was this guy? Did Dad protect me from abuse? From bullies? Did Eric protect me from losing Dad? From losing SF? In reality it was following him that destroyed a life I loved so much. These things(money) and the people who I think keep me safe, exempt, special, they don’t do their job. They didn’t for the couple on the street and t they won’t for me.

 

• I got into a fight with my mom on our trip. I tried so hard not to, but she interpreted something I said badly, then she had a screech-yell-fit. I couldn’t stay calm, fought back. I feel terribly now. But I started thinking, why did I agree to come on a week long trip with my mom? I know she can be difficult. I know she pushes my buttons? After 40 years, how have I not learned?  I realized, I feel I’m so special I can be a saint – muster-up boundless equanimity, adjust to anything, always behave in the ideal way I want to, even though over and over I have proven this untrue. I think I can have the results of ‘perfect’ behavior –mustered by will alone, when I don’t have the causes for it. Who needs causes when I’m this special yo?

 

• Over and over on this trip, I kept seeing how I am so much like my Mom, how I have so many of the qualities that annoy me about her. The whole trip I felt force marched, dragged from site to site, with no regard for my need to rest. But don’t I do the exact same thing to Eric when we travel together? I felt like she didn’t listen when I said I was hungry, but what about the recent trip to Philly when Eric was so upset when I ignored his requests to stop and eat. I think I am so great, so special, but I have the same unlikable traits as my Mom.

 

• Went to a public garden and Eric read me the story of the old owners from the back of the brochure –they had been rich, childless and built the place together. But the wife got sick and her medical bills bankrupted the couple and forced them to sell their property. I think I am safe because of my wealth, being beloved by eric in our happy, childless, relationship, but I can suffer the same exact fate as this woman? I have asthma, I have joint issues and stomach issues. I have a body, that has already begun to break. That will keep breaking. Why do I think I can’t have medical bills? Why do I think I will always be able to pay them? Always be able to preserve the items I hold dear? There is no difference between us.