In this weeks blog I will share notes from an exercise I did exploring how I might apply the technique I successfully used to kill my obsessive fear to greed/desire for my belongings. Since this draws directly on my past contemplation it will be helpful to you, Dear Reader, to go back and re-read the Killing the Fear blog here.

After I saw fear wasn’t fixed/didn’t live in a situation, I was able to conquer it by realizing 2 things:

1. Just because I am going to die, it does’t mean I have to constantly worry about it: Death happens when the conditions for death arise, my fear and worry are totally irrelevant in this process.
2. There is no necessary relationship between what I feared and what actually happened. There were times I was afraid and sure enough something bad happened; times I was unafraid and yet something bad happened; times I was afraid and  nothing bad happened and times I was unafraid and nothing bad happened.

With my friend and my french fries I had already come to see that just because my stuff is finite it doesn’t mean I have to constantly worry about not having enough. After all, both the objects and my desires are impermanent. So what remains to be investigated is whether or not there is a necessary relationship between desiring something and getting something. And furthermore what is the relationship between getting an object and an outcome. Do the objects always lead to good outcomes? Do they do for me what I want them to do? If so, for how long and in what circumstances?

I desire and I get something: I have countless examples that fall into this quadrant. I wanted my house and I got it. I wanted purses and clothes and I got those too. I wanted Eric as a husband, I wanted my job after my interview, I wanted to learn to do yoga … I got all that I wanted on these fronts.

I don’t desire and I get something: When I was a kid, my dad brought me home stamps and we started collecting together. It was my Dad’s desire, not mine, and yet I ended up with the collection. My house is in fact filled with gifts from friends and family, things I never wanted, never asked for, never sought or prepared for and yet I have them.

I desire and I don’t get something: in other words, desire doesn’t get me what I want/need:  When I was a kid there was this doll that I wanted so badly. Hanukkah was coming up and I told my Mom. I begged, I pointed-out all the other kid’s dolls when we visited them, hoping that I would get that doll as a gift. But for all my efforts, I never did get that doll. My Mom decided to buy me something else instead.

I don’t desire and I don’t get something: I walk through the mall everyday window shopping, looking at hundreds of outfits that I don’t want and so I never go and buy them.  

Sometimes I don’t get what I want and I am fine: There was this jacket I was obsessed with when I was in college. It was expensive, but I wanted it so badly. I want back to the store and visited it over and over, but I never did buy it. Even without the jacket I survived. Other clothes kept me warm. Other outfits had me strutin in style. I didn’t get what I wanted but was totally fine.

Sometimes I get something I want, but it comes with consequences: I got the sweetest pair of LV heels, perfect patent leather with flower studs. Oh I loved them so so much. But, one day, I stepped out of the car wearing them and crack, I fractured my toe. Months later it had’t healed and the podiatrist told me it likely never would: not enough blood flow to fully heal such a small bone in the foot. Now, for the rest of my life I can’t wear heels, I have to be careful how and where I walk, I have to modify my exercises. They were perfect little shoes, but they came with a terrible peril.

Sometimes I get what I want but does that mean it does what I think it does?

• My shawl didn’t keep me a Tibetan Buddhist
• My Porsche didn’t exactly make me feel awesome and chic while on retreat
• I believed my wedding ring was a sign of my strong marriage, I lost the ring but the marriage survived just fine
• No princess outfit ever made me a princess and no white(ish) pants made me feel like a good pure Buddhist
• My z cavaricci jeans never did make me popular

It all comes back to the dentist and the green purse

Once upon a time I went to a super mean dentist who abused me. So for years and years I feared going to the dentist. Long after the og meany was dead and gone I refused dental treatment out of fear the big baddies would get me. But when I realized that things changed: new dentist, new alana, new technology, new circumstances, I bucked it up and went for a root canal and guess what it wasn’t so bad. A key piece of evidence that ultimately helped me get over paralyzing fear rooted in the wrong view that what had been before/ what I believed would be = to reality.

I had one green purse and it ‘worked’ for me. I got a few complements, Eric began to associate me with it, it carried my stuff and I was happy so the idea of what the bag would do for me was born and with it came desire. Desire to have that bag, to preserve it and replace it with a like one should the need arise.Like with fear, want  was rooted in the view that what I had been before/what I imagined it would be = to reality. But circumstances changed, my body changed, my wardrobe changed, my carrying needs changed and so I ended up with a stock pile of bags I no longer wanted/needed.  If I keep building evidence for greed like I did with fear I will have a way to uproot it.