I opened the news today and read that the CDC is not likely to approve boosters for the general public in September. Rage began to surge in my heart. I am furious! In my mind, over and over throughout this pandemic, the government has failed to keep peeps safe, to keep me safe. The CDC has lied, covered up information, been too slow to adapt and to act. And their ineptitude, it effect real people. It effects ME, my life.

I am beyond stressed: I have been contemplating whether or not to just cross state lines and get an illicit booster regardless of the government guidelines. The research certainly supports this, and the government supply is more than ample, in fact they have been throwing out unused vaccines sitting on the shelf too long. But I resent feeling ‘forced’ to choose between dishonesty and crawling back under a rock for years just to stay safe (the fact that this polarized decision set exists in my mind alone is a topic for another day).

But, what about the other side – what about folks in countries that don’t even have one shot available, aren’t they looking at booster campaigns in the US and feeling that those decisions are affecting them, endangering them, by limiting vax supply. What seems right to me is what effects me, what reinforces what I already believe. But isn’t it the case that what seems right for other people is what effects them and what they already believe. What dictates that my ‘right’ the real RIGHT?

When there was an initial rumor of a widespread booster campaign I felt safe, and now that the CDC is re-evaluating, I am afraid again. Why, what has really changed? Clearly it is my expectations of the future that are shaping my feelings. This latest announcement made me want to give up hope. To give up on this world. Before, when vaccines came out, when it looked like boosting would work, when I thought there would be a booster for me, I felt so close to being safe, to getting back to a life I had before. Now I feel like my chance is being taken from me by a government agency that doesn’t give a fuck about me.

It feels not right, not just, not fair. It is what it is though because, in the end, c’est la vie (this is life). This is simply more evidence that the world doesn’t operate according to my rules, to what I think is right and fair and just, or in accord with my hopes and expectations.

The CDC has their reasons. If I go get an illicit shot, I have my reasons. All through this pandemic, I have seen the cautions rule followers and the fucking anti-maskers, everyone has their reasons. And reasons, in general, are folks scrambling to look out for #1 (themselves), following their beliefs, their expectations, trying to get the world to align with what they think is right and fair, at least for themselves. But, clearly, we don’t all agree with what is right and fair. The result is that baked into this world is conflict, stress and strain, winners and losers. This world is a zero sum game and as a result it will always be ridden with strife. There will always be times each of us doesn’t get what we want, or think is fair and right. That is simply the nature of the world that I have chose to be born in.