We had a meeting at work to talk through a multi-team project, but I was feeling a little philosophical and started talking about a ‘big picture’ problem I hoped the project might solve — poor communication in my workplace.  I gave around 3 examples to illustrate my ‘poor communications’ point, one of which involved a mistake by the Marketing Team, made months ago,  communicating survey results. I left the meeting feeling like I had brilliantly ‘illuminated’ everyone. The next day however, the response from my co workers told a different story…

The Marketing Director came to my office super ticked-off: She did not think we had a ‘communication problem’ and felt like I kept ganging up on her over 1 mistake the team made months ago.  Next came my boss, who sat me down for a stern conversation about how lately I had been moody, aggressive, eager to highlight institutional problems and offer ‘solutions’. My boss said she didn’t know what was wrong with me, what had changed; but as she talked, I started to digest her words and see quite clearly what was up, i.e., what my wrong views were that were leading to some really ugly behavior…

So, a little background: My organization was searching for a new Executive Director to replace the woman who started the place almost 40 years ago. The process, from my perspective, felt very closed door, hush-hush. As Trustees and select staff were busy formulating a plan and interviewing candidates, I felt left out. Here I was, an employee of 8 years, so dedicated and hard working, but no one was filling me in on the process. No one wanted my opinion. I feared that everyone was looking at me and thinking, “useless little Alana” (wrong view call-out: if they thought I was smart/useful/valuable they would have asked my opinion). So I was overcompensating, trying to give my opinion on anything I could, trying to be heard, to prove I can solve problems, I can help, I am valuable.

Ughh,  my ugly little me monster was rearing its head again; this time it wasn’t about my family or friends, it was amount my job. I thought something totally not about me — picking a new director — was about me because I believed the job, the organization was mine. After all,  in my own opinion, by my own definition, I had been a good employee for so long so it was only logical that I deserved to be part of picking a new leader. But, is a job really ‘mine’? Does it need to act as I expect? Is there a treatment I deserve in that job no matter what I do or no matter the circumstances? A job is just like ‘my peeps’, it is not bound by my demands or needs or expectations. This is not about me at all.

Fun little bonus fact, just for extra evidence — picking a new executive isn’t even part of my job description, it is a role that falls to the Board. According to the Organization Charter they have a right to go about it anyway they see fit.

But wait, there is more…Haven’t I already considered the topic of valuable before? Is it something I can own/be? Is a behavior, like being a problem solver, valuable in every situation? Is it going to have the effect of making people appreciate me and think I am smart and useful to be around? It turns out, this story answers all my questions for me — I was so busy trying to to prove my value as a problem solver I was creating new problems, angering co-workers, troubling my boss and generally having the totally opposite effect of what I was going for.

Fun little bonus fact, just for extra evidence — I have pages of examples in my notebook that no ‘solution’ is 100% roses. ‘Solutions’, all actions, have a positive and negative side — being a ‘problem solver’ is really the same as being a’problem creator’.

Deeper still, I had an unspoken assumption to all of this, that my involvement in picking a leader would yield a good outcome. Now, as I sit in NY writing this old story, still so sad I ever left Cali, I know for sure that my decisions –my imagination of what will yield a good outcome — sure as hell don’t guarantee a good future. In my mind, if I wasn’t involved in picking, we could end up with a bad leader who would ruin the organization and if we had to fold, well what then, because so much of my sense of value, worth, was tied to my job at my organization.

Underlying all of this was one of my oldest wrong view tendencies, going way way back to the Homeless Alana story: A chain reaction in my head that got me from point A to point Z, for sure. In this case I believed that without my involvement a bad leader would be picked and if the bad leader was picked the organization would fold and if the organization folded I would be lost because my ultimate value as a person was tied to my job.  If you take each of these in turn, they are singular wrong views and then when they get combined whooh, there is a doozie; a wrong view so grim, a threat and an Alana-as-employee-self that both felt so real, that I was acting like a total $%*& to the people and organization I was trying to ‘save’.