It was a beautiful sunny afternoon and Eric and I decided to go for a drive to Napa. We were cruising along, top down, and I noticed the usually lovely, leafy vines were pretty barren. “Ah, of course, its winter” I thought to myself. Its not yet the time for grapes.

Suddenly, an image –- an ubai — popped into my head, of a farmer standing in the fields yelling at the grapes: “Grow little grapes. Grow damn you!” he screamed. “I water you, I fertilize you, I keep the pests away, do your fucking job and grow already!”

“Ha, stupid farmer I thought”.  Up until I realized, that farmer is me, and that monster voice that lives in my head. My monster is telling me to be ready to ordain, or at least take the 8 precepts. It says, “Grow Alana. Grow Damn You! You have been practicing for years, you have gone to retreats, teachings, you keep your notebook and do your homework, so now go get fucking enlightened already.“

Obviously, the idea of a farmer yelling at their crops is ridiculous. A farmer’s job is to do their best to help their crops grow. But, after they have watered and fertilized and pest protected, a farmer’s job is done.  A grape will ultimately ripen in its own time, according to factors way outside of a farmers control. All the yelling in the world simply won’t help.

Why should I think an Alana, moving toward the ripening of my dharma path, is any different?

Not being ready isn’t an indictment, it is not proof that a grape is a bad grape or that an Alana is a bad Buddhist. It is simply a particular state, an unripe state, that is subject to change when the circumstances are right. And, just like a farmer yelling at a grape isn’t going to make it ready to harvest any sooner, my monster yelling at me is not going to make my wisdom ripen any faster.

But, there is another side – that of the grapes themselves (versus of the farmer/monster yeller). I am so concerned that a friend, or a teacher, will push me too far. Demand more than I can give and somehow force me to be more Buddhisty than I am ready to be. But, for all the farmer’s yelling, the grapes go unchanged. The truth is, no one has ever changed my heart, made me other than what I am, until I was ready for a change. Trust me, I would have quit smoking years before I did if someone else was able to change my heart…This fear that someone really could push me beyond where I am ready to go ignores the basic principles of cause and effect. Plus, would it really be so bad if my friends and teachers could just push me into enlightenment? Just one little shove…

And with these thoughts, the monster quieted down and took a little time-out. So stay tuned for the next bog – Timeout: An outline to enlightenment