Alana's Dharma Blog

I wake up, notice the silence in my bedroom, and breathe a sigh of relief – thank god its Sunday.

For months, there has been a massive construction project going on across the street from my house. Everyday, I wake up to the sound of jackhammers, earth-movers and dynamite. Sunday is my one day of reprieve and, as I close my eyes again, to relish a few more minutes of quiet lazing, it dawns on me that this warm, comfortable feeling isn’t really good at all, its just less bad. My comfort is just relatively less suffering. Sukkha really is just dialing down dukka, for a little while…till Monday.

I have already established that my base state –hunger, desire, is a state that is dukkah. Then I relieve it, make it less, for a short time. That is just less of the pervasive state of hunger, turning down the dial. Soon enough, hunger will arise again. Why — because I am hungry by my nature, it is an inevitable aspect of desire. Hunger is both suffering in and of itself, and the motivation for further efforting and stress as I try to ‘solve’ the hunger, i.e. even more dukkha.

But here, in my quiet Sunday morning, is a further nuance to the reality of suffering: If good is just a temporary reprieve of bad, a little quiet in a noisy world, would I even feel good, or happy, or fulfilled, without the bad? If my apartment were not so unpleasant almost all the time, would Sunday be a relief?

In truth, I wouldn’t even appreciate or enjoy the quiet without the shitty foil of constant noise. So isn’t that all dukkah? If I literally need the suffering to have the un-suffering? If Un-suffering is born of suffering: Born in contrast to it, born of the effort to achieve that state? And any moment of relief exists hand-in hand with fear of loosing that relief. Struggle to hold onto it just a little longer. Knowledge that Monday always follows Sunday…

I was so stressed out trying to get to Pilates on time this morning: It felt like the red lights were conspiring against me, forcing me to stop at every block. Ensuring I would be late, would have to awkwardly disrupt the class when I arrived.

During class, I kept fidgeting with my mask, worried some pose, some deep breath might have dislodged it, left room for virus laden air to seep though.

After class, I was reading the news, more covid, worse surge, Omicron…I worried again about this new wave, about how I would stay safe and still get to see my family in Miami.

As I sat there, worrying, I realized that it was only 10 AM, but I had been in a state of low-level stress since I woke-up. It was unrelenting. I had been trying for weeks to prove all of life is dukka, but had I really considered the pervasiveness of this unrelenting, low grade, background stress? What was it? Where did it come from? How does it prove not just that everything is dukkha, but WHY everything is dukkha.

I see as long as I have desire, the stress comes right along with it. I desire to do Pilates, to be liked by the instructor, so I stress about being on time to class, about how that will effect my ability to practice, my likability to the instructor. I desire to have a healthy body, so I stress about catching Covid. Of course, I also desire a life, a chance to spend time with loved ones, so I stress about how to go on a trip to Miami while stressing about avoiding Covid. I have an agenda –a story I tell myself, a story I want to actualize, and so I desire all the elements of that story. All the elements I think I need to bring that story about.

All of life is a rat race. Trying to acquire what we desire, and protect what we desire to keep, while trying to be free of what we desire to be free of. Dukkah really is a direct result of craving; after all, if I don’t want, what do I care if shit goes this way or that, if shirt changes and shifts like the sands. Its my desire that things be one way or another –that I am on time and not late, that I am a good and attentive family member not bad, that I am healthy not sick, that provokes my caring, it provokes stress.

As long as there is craving, there is Dukkah — the two go hand-in-hand. And, for me, there is always desire. We are literally all born of desire, driven by desire, continue because of seeking to quench desire, desire undergirds everything we do or experience in this world. Therefore everything is Dukkha, because everything is tinged by desire.

I woke-up the day after thanksgiving to news of Omicron. I was devastated: Just as I had begun to taste a little post-vaccine freedom, I was now imagining a newly locked down life.

One of the things stressing me out the most was that I would need to cancel an upcoming trip to see my family in January. I have barely seen them since the pandemic began, particularly my brother and his family. I feel not just disconnected, but derelict — I knew they had already returned to basically normal life, and I felt embarrassed, like my not yet having done so was being judged by them, and that my absence was being read as a lack of care. I worried about the toll of my absence on our relationship. So, though the timing was tough, the pricing extremely high, I started hatching plan to fly down to Miami, via charter, and see them all the following week.

I sent a group chat to Mom and Seth and asked their availability. Mom was free, Seth said he was busy, but he is always busy. So I booked the flight. Over the next day or two though my brother kept sending more messages about his business, about how he doesn’t have time, he went so far as to send over a text with his day-by-day commitments so I could figure out if I could ‘squeeze’ myself into his free time. It seemed clear to me Seth didn’t want me to come, that I was an interruption in his busy life, that I was an intrusion and a burden. I was hurt. I would have canceled, but I didn’t want to disappoint my mom, to make her feel the same level of unvalued as my brother was making me feel.

As hurt as I was, I started thinking about my wrong views:

In my egotism, I believed my brother and his family were pining away for my company. I felt like I was disappointing them by not seeing them for so long. I thought the visit would be a boon, a favor for them. But here it was the opposite, my brother made it clear my visit was a burden. The proof was right in front of me that the world –even my little corner of it, even the people I loved and identified with the most – doesn’t revolve around me, doesn’t affirm me.

I knew that Seth didn’t see risk in Omicron, and I suspected he believed my own risk calculation was overblown to the point of being crazy. I guessed that he felt now like my ‘crazy’ was a reason he had to ‘drop everything’ and accommodate me. Even knowing/suspecting all this, I still believed my brother would want to see me if he understood that it could be the last time for a long time. I believed he would prioritize time with me, no matter the circumstances, even if he didn’t agree with the reasons or urgency behind the visit. But why?

The truth is, everyone in this world, operates under conditions. Even love, which we tend to pretend is so absolute, is conditional. Both the feelings we feel, and the priority – measured by actions – we give to our loved ones is done with terms and conditions. With fine print. Under specific circumstances. To simply believe that Seth, in every circumstance and under all conditions, would want to see me is a deeply wrong. To believe that just because I weigh a situation as sufficiently important to ‘drop everything’, he would as well, is crazy. His conditions for love, for attention, are shaped by his life, his beliefs, his priorities, not by mine.

I thought more about my suffering and realized too how I was ultimately its author. Seth and I weren’t always close, for many years in my 20s we were basically estranged. But we became closer after my dad’s death and when his Seth’s first child was born.  At that time, I decided I wanted to BE a better family member. I decided there was virtue in the identity of good sister, good auntie, and I embarked on acting the part. I used my brother to create a particular identity.

But using him to create my identity was a double-edged sword — as our relationship came to symbolize a facet of my virtue, his disapproval/rejection took on the power to deflate me. I realized everything we use to build our sense of self is like this — money, partner, clothes, job — as long as I have these things I can see them as aggrandizements to Alana. But once they are lost, once they turn on me, or fall out of favor of either myself or those I seek to impress, I see them as ego blows. It is two sides of the same coin. And because of impermanence I am bound to lose these things and suffer the inevitable blow. But in truth, I don’t have to, that blow is my choice. Just like with Seth, I chose to use him, to imagine him making me the me I want to be. The choice was both mine and arbitrary. And had I not chosen him, had I not given him that ‘power’ I wouldn’t have felt so pained when I felt rejected by him.

As I contemplated, an image popped into my mind. It is like taking on something we love, we feel boosted by, and in that moment it sinks little claws under our skin, like a wall anchor, going in smooth – as long as it is going with the grain – painless and unnoticed. But when it is time for that thing to come out, the hook catches, pulls against the grain, and we suffer such pain with the separation. Pain I allowed by letting it sink in in the first place.

After some of my initial contemplations on everything is suffering, I reached-out to Mae Neecha via Line with an update. I want to share that conversation as her response — particularly her comment about how our desire to maximize, even when we are already happy, proves dukkha — helped guide my investigation into considering increasingly  subtle forms of suffering.

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Alana:  I have been thinking a lot about this idea everything is suffering, turning it over in my mind and I now see it crystal clear:

I have been on a 5 day modified fast that I get to break tomorrow( it is a program recommended by my Rheumatologist to help modulate the immune system and try and prevent autoimmune issues, I do it every 4-6 weeks now) . Anyway,  I am so excited to eat tomorrow, thinking of how great it will feel. But it makes me see my joy is just a relief from deprivation. Of course everything is suffering if happiness is just a temporary relief from a state of longing/craving/ hunger/ suffering.

I have had more in depth and technical contemplations around this topic, but this one example just drives the point home. Just wanted to share since we talked about this recently.

MN: The other day, I was thinking about how suffering and happiness are different points on the same scale. And how if while you feel happy, it could still be better somehow (if only .. were here, if only there was … instead) that already indicates that it is suffering and not happiness.

Alana: Or how when you feel happy, in the back of your mind, you are always wondering how to preserve that happiness and afraid of losing the situation that makes you happy.

Then there is the poison that losing something that made you happy before creates longing to have it again. Hunger, craving, is dukka.  After all, what is craving but trying to satiate dissatisfaction. Dissatisfaction is the primal state. It is why we become in the first place… Dukka is there from the beginning.

MN: Dukkha is all there is. We just give it different names. But it doesn’t change the fact that it is all the same – dukkha.

Alana: Fair. Part of my efforts to understand were in fact to try out different translations: suffering, dissatisfaction, stress ( I got the most out of that one), hunger, disappointment, etc…

MN: It isn’t supposed to be easy for us to see that everything is suffering. We are born for all the different variations and names of suffering that we think are everlasting happiness. Once we can see that everything is suffering, and that there is nothing other than suffering, that is when we will be on our way out of the cycle of rebirth.

Alana: That is definitely a work in progress!