Alana's Dharma Blog

I showed-up at the 2015 retreat with fresh emotional wounds hard won from the struggle of weighty decision making about my husband, Eric’s, next career move. Eric had gotten 2 job offers: A) from a company we will call F.U.ber, from the get-go we expected it would be painfully unpleasant, but secure and lucrative; and B) from a company called Sonos, which we expected to have good work life balance, in a nice Cali Coastal town, but with risky prospects for money and long-term career success. Spoiler alert –we chose A.

The truth is, we always chose A: We always chose the option we perceive of as safe, with financial security and option value for future career prospects. We chose to carefully preserve what we have and ‘keep the door open’ for having the same/more in the future. But this time, the choice wasn’t automatic. It was weighed, agonized over, and when we finally turned our back on the dream of B — a sweet job in a sweet small town with lots of time for other stuff we enjoy – I decided to ask myself why I always chose A? What do I believe about money, security, option value? Is the fight to achieve these things, or the struggle to make such weighty life decisions in general, worth it?

This then My Friends is the launching place for the next few blogs. I will explore my contemplations around these questions, my detour into insight into self and self belonging, and some helpful thoughts from my teachers.

I started out by asking 2 of my teachers, Neecha and LP Nut, for advice on how to proceed. I explained I had started seeing the suffering of being stuck in my patterns, of always choosing A (where A is preserving, security, $ and the option for more  preserving choices, security and $ in the future), but I didn’t know a way out. Here were the replies I got:

Neecha told me a story about a woman who used to drink till she blacked-out every night. She would always ask her husband what happened in the times she couldn’t remember and he would always give sketchy replies. One day, she remembered that her husband had tried to killer her after she had drunk too much. From that day forward, she never drank again out of fear. Fear Neecha explained is the way to stop doing something. It was a good answer, and a true answer, but I wasn’t quite sure how to use it. So I went and asked LP Nut for his thoughts…

LP Nut pointed to a tree in the forest. It had once bore a huge number of pine cones, but it had since fallen down and started to die. He said, the cones were dependent on the tree, the tree on the roots, the roots on sun, soil, rain. We think we can depend on one thing, one person, job, money for security. But the truth is there are so many factors. He said to go look for examples where I quest for security, for preserving. Does it work? At what cost?

This, was something I could work with, that I knew how to begin to tackle. So stay tuned for the next installment in contemplations from the 2015 Retreat…where I think about security and preserving.

A brief introduction to the Jatakas: I suppose it’s not really something most of us Buddhists think about much, but the Buddha, who was superduppermegga awesome in his final life,  took awhile to get there. In fact, the Jataka Tales, which recount the past lives of the Buddha-to-be, have around 550 stories — not exactly instant enlightenment huh?  

To me, it’s pretty heartening really, even the Buddha had to follow a path, perfecting himself along the way, till he became his ultimate awesome self. For someone who usually feels like the fact that I’m not there yet (i.e. enlightened) means I will never ever get there, the Jatakas are pretty darn inspirational.

Anyway, this blog is a brief one about a single moment from a single jataka — the Mahajanaka Jataka — that really touched me. For context, this is the Buddha-to-be’s 9th from last life, after a long arduous journey involving a shipwreck and goddess style saving, the passing of some perilous tests and riddles, and the marriage to a lovely queen, Mahajanaka (soon to be Buddha) becomes the just and beloved king of his homeland, bringing us to the moment of my blog…

The Blog: One day, King Mahajanaka decided to take a walk in one of his gardens.  He came to a place where 2 mango trees stood, one was lush and green, but bore no fruit. The other had a ton of fruit and the king decided to gather a few mangos to eat. They were super delicious so, he thought to himself, “at the end of my stroll, I’ll come back and grab a bit more fruit before I return to the palace”.

Meanwhile, word got out that that the King had eaten from the mango trees. You see, as was the custom, before the king ate the first fruit no one would dare touch the tree. But after he had partaken, everyone felt free to come grab some fruit, so a hoard of people came to eat. By the time the king had returned the tree had been nearly destroyed by the picking and climbing and pushing and shoving. At the same time the fruitless neighbor tree remained untouched, still green and full of life, since there were no mangos for anyone to bother with.

When Mahajanaka came back and saw the two trees again –the fruitful one ravaged and the barren one just fine — he realized that he was like the fruitful mango tree, with a kingdom, riches, subjects, a family and a life filled with so much to lose. “Better” he thought “to be the barren tree and never have anything to take, anything to be beaten for or plundered for, nothing to lose.”   At this point the King decides to renounce the world and worldly possessions, to make himself like the barren tree and leaf (J/K –leave), to become an ascetic.

I have no idea why it was this particular story, this particular telling, that touched me so deeply. But for the first time it really hit my heart: my shit, my peeps, my meness, make me too just like that fruitful mango tree. So pretty, so rich, so smart, so loved, so verdant and abundant and healthful and so so so much to lose. So much to make me a target, a victim, both of outside ravishers (duh) but also of time and withering and wasting and attrition and all the other causes by which a tree can lose fruit and an alana can lose what I hold dear.

I guess its the fact that in this telling, turning away is not a sacrifice. It’s not the high road or the hard decision. It’s not the effort-full forcing to be non-attached, to be ‘what a Buddhist should be’. It’s a way out, a road of ease, peace, salvation. It the natural, even easy, choice once you really see it for what it is.

And though, obviously, I’m still not quite clearly seeing this world for what it is, these days, when I think about my practice, what it can bring me, what it’s really about, I think a whole lot about those mango trees.

Final note: I dedicate this blog to the Buddha — yah, I know, he is already long gone and doesn’t really need any dedication of mine. But still, I have so much gratitude. For the 550ish lives he worked so hard to become the Buddha and then, when it wasn’t necessary, when it was a bunch of work, when he had already become a Buddha so what more merritt did he need, when he could have just been a silent Buddha like so many others, he decided to teach. He left behind a legacy, a friggin roadmap and a compass, for slow pokes like me. He left behind hope…so Great Dharma Lord, this blogs for you.

 

Dear Reader — This blog is a direct continuation of the last blog, I Won’t Be Leaving on That Jet Plane. If you haven’t already read that one go ahead and do so before you continue here.

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Over one weekend nothing outside really changed. And yet, a whole new ‘Jet set’ life, with new possibilities, was born in my head. And then in my head it died. Was Jet inherently risky/undesirable (as I had assumed at the start of the weekend) or was it an escape from the risk of Eric’s company, to a secure and wonderful new life (as I assumed by the end of the weekend)? It’s like Schrodinger’s Cat *, alive/dead at the same time, risky/safe NY at the same time, awesome/shitty job at the same time, it all just depends on the perspective of the viewer. It depends on my perspective… Step 1 of easing my pain and seeing the truth – see clearly that it is me, my perception, that is generating it in the first place.

Squiggly line fade-out……….

I was sitting in a pool at my favorite resort in Sonoma, relaxing and thinking, “this pool IS relaxing.” Then I noticed all the dead bugs. I though, “this pool, which I think of as relaxing is a death trap to those bugs.” The water is just water, the pool just a pool, but its value, its meaning, that is subjective.

Jet is a job, NY is a city. Are these things good or bad? Relaxing or death trap? Neither or both? The truth is I wasn’t sure. The problem is my fact finding and interpretation skills are notoriously crappy, bringing me to Step 2 of easing my pain and seeing the truth – prove that I am a fickle little liar.

Well, this blog is certainly filed with evidence that, at best, my interpretations of situations change as do my desires. Shit, the Jet story alone is strong evidence… after all in 48 hours both my reading of the situation and my desire changed. There is the jury duty story, vegetarian/pork loving alana, the sponge in the forest story. Even whether I think oatmeal is healthy or toxic has changed 4 times in 8 years. I, my mind, they change.

Moreover, I am a liar. I lied about me being the victim and my Mom the evil victimizer. I lied about my Dad being a saint and my Mom being a devil. I lied about what it is to cheat, about my value as an employee, about my being a compassionate alana just because I give hugs to homeless people. I lie/tell stories because it makes me feel I can control the way I am seen by others and how I see myself. I lie to uphold the self-created “narrative of the world” that I am a good person, good people get good outcomes, so I am safe from harm (this is a serious summarizing of a number of past blogs).

Step 3 of easing my pain and seeing the truth – poke around till I find reality.

In just a few days I reinterpreted the Jet situation. It went from negative/risky to safe/desirable to hella disappointment in a flash. It just swung from one extreme to the next. In truth, Jet, NY, water and pools, all contain risks and safety, pros and cons. Imagine that—its like there are two sides. But my imagination played favorite with certain ‘facts’ so first Jet was revolting and then, with new ‘facts’ with new re-imagining, it was desirable. No neutral heart to be found here. Hence, the suffering…

So the final step, ask the question — Is it worth it? (i.e. what is the suffering of the situation) — It was such a painful week. The suffering had so many components:

1)The first was the pains it took to change my perception. First I worried about Jet and security, then I had to convince myself to take it to see it as safe. Once I did…

2) I experienced the pain of loss. I had already assumed an identity and it was rejected, taken from me. I in fact felt worse than if I had never had it. Because, in order to sell it to myself as a good outcome, as desirable, I had to build it into my identity. When the identity was crushed it made me feel hopeless for the future and a sense of loss of the opportunity.

3) Jet made Eric’s current work situation feel even more “risky,” like we had missed our best escape raft. In order to convince ourselves to take the Jet job we had drawn a future with Jet in it and that by being there my need for security was met. Therefore, losing it, by definition, had to make me less secure. Already feeling that way heightened sensitivity to insecurity, it made other options outside of the secure Jet seem worse. When evidence, possible layoffs, came our way, I immediately read it back into the Jet is secure narrative I had written just to convince myself to take it. By creating an imaginary island of security, I actually succeeded in making myself feel more insecure when I had to deal with all situations off that island.

Worse, when I create islands in my mind, places to go or places to avoid, I set the conditions for trying to navigate there or away. I set conditions for continued re-birth. I set conditions for struggle. In this lie I already lived on the island I wanted.

4) In just the course of the weekend I experienced the pain of uncertainty, the sheer turmoil and grief of deciding and then the excitement and then the let down. My emotions took a roller coaster ride just based on what I wanted, based on what I imagined it would be.

It makes me reflect on how painful life is, how changeable my desires are. And then how feeble my joy and disappointment are. So much struggle hinging on desires and imaginations that change constantly. Just because in my mind they feel so real, so permanent. The solution then, find neutral, re-train my mind to see when my imagination runs wild, and bring it back to center, to seeing both sides…

Final thought from present day Alana – The ironic part of this story is, at the time, I was so disappointed that Eric didn’t get the Jet job, that we didn’t move to NY. Now however, I see it as a reprieve. I hate NY so much…had I known then what I do now, I would have celebrated like an inmate on death row that gets a stay of execution, a stay in San Fran for another few years. Further proof still…I’m a fickle little liar.

 

It was mid 2015 and Eric’s company was on the rocks. Massive layoffs were on the way and, like everyone else, Eric was looking for a way off a sinking ship. So, when he got a call for a great job in NY, at a startup named Jet, you would think I would be delighted. But, I was anti-delighted…The company (a startup), the move to a new uber expensive city (NY), it all felt too risky. Still, I reluctantly supported my hubs and we went together to NY for his interview.

The more we heard about the job, the company, the team, the founder, the more excited we became. Finally, after 2 days of deep discussions, after I met the founder for coffee, heard the whole business pitch, we were in! New York here we come. Yipee!!!

The recruiter told Eric he was going to get the job for sure. No other decent candidates had even applied. Then, at the last moment, another candidate dropped from the sky — literally, she took her private helicopter into town for a last-minute interview…

In the 24 hours between Eric and I ‘deciding to take the job,’ and him learning the job was going to the helicopter woman, my mind had already erected the image of a bright new future, a new identity, a new NY life. When that image was shattered with just a few words, “you didn’t get the job”, my heart ached so badly with the loss. But…how exactly could I be hurt by a loss of something I never had to begin with?

The fact is, in one weekend I took the very same situation –a new job/move to NY — and reinterpreted it. First I imagined scary, hard, risky, broke life. Then I imagined fun adventure, safety from Eric’s sinking ship job and wealth from a startup getting big. Like with the sand paintings, the jazz song, my mind took a bare bones situation and it colored in a whole elaborate narrative of what my life would be like. My desire for Jet was born in a flash, in a flash it was mine, a part of my life, a life that I lost before it ever began. The narrative I built was so sticky, it came to feel so real, it became what I desired, and when I ‘lost it’ the pain really was real.

With real pain, I was in need of a real solution.  How can I fix this? Mae Yo already told me of course, I need to bring my heart to neutral. It should be easy, after all, in just 2 days I went from not wanting Jet to wanting it. I went from seeing all cons to seeing all pros. I just needed to merge them, to see both sides.

But first things first. I need to convince my thick brain/heart to see I created the desire, so I created the pain, so I must be able to un-create it too. Stay tuned, in the next blog we will start from the starting place–little ole lying Alana–and see if we can’t get to the truth.