Alana's Dharma Blog

Dear Reader — this blog is a direct continuation of the last entry, Wrong Views on Suffering and Happiness —What, How, the Lie and Why Part 1 — if you have not yet read that post yet please head back there and read it before you continue.

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How: My 3s (memory) and 4s (imagination) plus self and self belonging give rise to my sense of happiness and my quest for it.

Me and the Bench –a recap of the aggregates:

I remember one time I was sitting on a bench, I had found a spot with the perfect balance between shade and sun. I was not too hot, not too cold –I was so comfortable and happy.  As I sat, over time, the sun shifted in the sky and my perfect shade to sun ratio was lost. It was beginning to get too hot so I moved the bench under a bigger tree and again I was comfortable. It was only a little while though till I was too hot again –the shade was just disappearing! I fiddle with the bench a bit more and then I realized. That it was really only for a brief moment, out of all the moments in the day, that I could be happy and comfortable on that bench. Even with all my efforts sometimes would be too hot and others too cold. But that moment of stimuli that my #2 (feeling) interpreted as comfort was something written to my #3’s memory. Then my #4 started imagining ways to retrieve the experience to recreate or to preserve that moment again.

Whether it on trips or benches, gardens, with certain people, doing certain things,I have had times where I have felt worry free and peaceful, where life felt good. All the spin-up of something like Japan, of all my self-created “zones of comfort”, are efforts to repeat these moments. It is my 3s (memory) that remember that once upon a time I have had happy experiences  and my 4s that imagine I can have them again with just a little planning. That if I control the aspects of the trip, of my life, in just the right way I can get the experiences I want and avoid what I don’t.

My own experiences of everyday life belie the fact that finding lasting and predictable happiness in my day-to-day regular life is impossible. After all, even when stuff is going pretty well, I have the constant discomfort of my to-do list, of waking , working, managing life. So my #4 looks elsewhere…I imagine a space, a place, a time, a person, a holiday, something outside of the regular (which I know is can be crap) where I can have a bit more comfort. I imagine that with enough effort I can go there, that there are predictable steps I can take, like getting on a plane and traveling, that will bring me there.

For the system to work, I need the self to come-in and be the choosy narrator, the story teller. The self, pulls together my 3s and weaves together the memory of whats comfortable so that I can create the great getaway plan using 4. The trip itself is both a result of the misunderstanding of the self (thanks #4) …that I can conjure-up a place of refuge, away from my daily life and something that will further propagate that self (where I selectively store more memories to fuel # 4 in the future)—In the small ways i.e., planner, organizer, traveler (and all the meanings I as narrator impose on these concepts) and in much bigger ways, I selectively remember the good parts and gloss the bad ones to create the narrative that it was worth it. That my great plan to escape suffering worked, at least enough to make me think that I should keep trying in order to get it closer to perfect each time.

The interesting catch however is, in the place of refuge I imagine, the terms of its comfortableness are my own creations. They reflect qualities I already value — worry-freeness, safety, cleanliness(cleanliness in particular I have watched closely and seen how much it influences my sense of comfort or safety in a space –my desire to return to a city, a restaurant, a hotel)  — its my own definitions in my head that I project outwards onto a time, experience or space. But if thats true, can there really be some happy zone over there, outside my own imagination, that I can expect to be there waiting for me? And how do I reconcile it with my own changing standards of comfortableness –as a teenager, I reveled in having a messy room, a messy car; I felt like it made me a ‘rebel against the establishment’, someone who didn’t spend time on ’superficial stuff’ like cleaning? And in the end can I really trust that the signs of that happy place (rupa) that I read as  safe or clean really are when I am such a selective narrator and when I lack so much information (I mean I did find hanging out in a garden in the ghetto petting some feral cat to be peaceful and safe). This then brings me to a big problem…. The Lie…

Without further ado: My homework on my wrong views about ‘suffering safe zones’, the  two sides of suffering and happiness, and whether I can really call something sukka if what is outside of it is dukka… This contemplation around  the topic of suffering will be divided into 4 parts: What suffering it really is /looks like, how my wrong views about it arise and why they arise/the purpose they serve .

Much of these thoughts actually started in response to something Neecha wrote in an email awhile back , “as we have been coming back again and again, there must be something that seems worth it for us. if we cannot find what that is, we cannot leave this world, either.” In my heart I know this is right. It’s the only logical conclusion. So I started looking at the patterns in my life to see if I could identify what’s worth it to me. I’m not sure its the end all, but one biggie pattern that I definitely noticed is:

Wrong view: That I believe the world can be partitioned off into neat little sections. Sections of pain and sections of comfort. If I just take the right steps — hopping on a plane, sitting in a special place, eating the right food, waiting till the weekend — I can move out of a pain zone and into a comfort zone (illusions of control). Even though I see and understand suffering in my life, a part of me thinks there is refuge just over the line if I can get there. At least I can take small trips over there to the comfort side and that seems to be enough for me to think its worth it (misunderstanding of dukkah). As crazy as it sounds, I will trade X days of unpleasant regular life for X days of enjoyable life (belief that what is enjoyable/un-enjoyable is permanent).

What is the reality/ how to fix the view: Mae Yo already pointed me in the direction of correcting the view — look more closely at suffering and its relationship to happiness and to the world. So here I want to begin doing so through examining my recent trip to Japan to understand the dynamics of my beliefs about suffering and then looking at its reality using 5 aspects of suffering( suffering in the trip, suffering of trying to get the trip, suffering of losing the trip, suffering the trip causes by becoming a standard/benchmark for other trips {i.e. suffering of preservation}, and suffering around the trip that allows me to define the trip as “happy” by comparison).
My trip to Japan:

The Dynamics of my beliefs around the trip in a nutshell: Travel is one of the many “separate” areas of life that I view as escapes from the discomfort of my daily life. But, the truth is,  I remember when I was planning the trip, the process felt painful to me. It was stressful on short notice and I was resentful needing to take responsibility for it even though the trip was Eric’s idea. Still, I wanted to go because I saw it as a time to spend with Eric, a shared experience that would strengthen our relationship and make our life seem happier, more worth living. It was a way to literally get-a-way from the shitty parts of everyday life; a separate time and space where I could play care free. So with that motivation..the desire to achieve those ends, I pushed through the discomfort and planned the trip. Of course, the trip itself had its moments of being fun and being stressful; for the fun ones I pat myself on the back, reinforce my sense of being a planner, being someone who deserves good things, having things in this world that are worth-it. But for the suckey moments, in addition to the discomforts I suffered, I also had the discomfort of feeling like a failure. Being unable to successfully plan the trip–not being able to control my entry into a “safe” zone of pleasure. Still, I see the uncomfortable moments as flukes, and the comfortable ones are the hope that with enough time or effort I can overcome these flukes and have an only pleasurable trip. In the end though, even though I can vaguely recall parts that were no fun (we had a shitty hotel one night, we almost missed our train to Osaka, I over ate tempura and felt sick, I walked too far and hurt my foot, Eric and I argued over where to eat lunch, the volcano smelled terrible, I was self conscious over cultural differences and misunderstandings,etc.)  I put a sheen on it and call the trip a success. I justify all the suffering by highlighting the good parts and diminishing the bad so that I have the wherewithal to do it again in the future.

Trying to come to a more accurate view by exploring the suffering in depth.

1) Suffering in the trip — As I mentioned, the actual trip had moments of suffering. There was physical suffering of hunger,  aches and pains, jet-lag. there was the stress over being jet lagged, feeling like I needed to be out exploring even though I was exhausted. There was stress over spending money and over the tension between spending it on such unique things and being at a place of some financial insecurity in light of Eric’s current job discontents. There were moments of tension and disagreement between Eric and I. Us not wanting to do the same things, me either frustrated with his plan or feeling bad when mine didn’t work-out. There was being uncomfortable with culture differences, worried we offended folks, confusion of language or appropriate actions.One night we went to a Sushi bar and realized after we had gotten our food we didn’t have enough cash to cover it. We worried the whole meal how we would explain. How we would solve the problem (Eric finding an ATM while I waited at the restaurant). We felt extra bad because they were so nice to us. We were so relieved in the end  when they took a credit card…. The main point here is that if there were really an “over there” a “suffering free zone” to be found on a trip to Japan then why was there so much discomfort mixed-in? Why didn’t I find it?

2) Suffering of trying to get the trip— So much work went into the trip. So much money that has been so painful for Eric to earn, for me to participate in..the ups and downs of his job, the drama that effects our life together, the time it sucks from the time we can spend together, the endless conversations, the pressure to be a good listener to give good advice, just to earn enough to pay for a trip to Japan. Then there was the actual effort in planning, the time to research, the stress of making the right plans, of “insuring” that Eric enjoys the trip, that the trip lives-up to my own expectations, my hopes. The moment when I thought we wouldn’t be able to find a hotel in Osaka, the stress of getting train tickets, the endless emails to travel sites and activity planners. Picking out the “right” tour book, writing the packing list, stressing I forgot something. All so that I could go over to the “stress-free zone” of the trip.

3) Suffering of losing the trip — of going home. I am always so so sad at the end of a vacation. I hate coming back to my “regular” life. It feels so lackluster. I feel so overwhelmed by the mail at the door, the piles of papers on my desk, the emails, the phone messages, the to-do-lists. When I’m away I don’t think about making eye dr. appointments, painting the house, re-organizing my files. I don’t worry about putting-on a little extra pudge (that then makes me so sad, makes me diet so vigilantly when I return). But when I come back it all floods back-in and it makes me want to plan a new trip. Have a new escape from all this stuff of everyday life. It sows the seeds for more suffering, to plan, suffering during, suffering of coming home, suffering of comparison…

4) Suffering the trip causes by becoming a standard/benchmark for other trips — Here in SF we have a Japanese mochi shop we like to go to and they have the most delicious cherry blossom sweets. We were so so excited when we found them at a shop in Kyoto and so we bought a half dozen. We were sure they would be even better in Japan then the ones at home,. How could they not be? But the ones in Japan were too salty, the rice too firm and we were so disappointed. We gave the leftovers to some other travelers we met and they loved them..thought they were the most delicious sweets ever. It was so clear to me the benchmark of the sweets from home, the ones we were used to, created the disappointment when the ones in Japan couldn’t live-up to the standard. But ironically, I also know if the ones in Japan had been better we would have come home and been disappointed with the ones here.To me this is one of the clearest problems of this world–there is no win. Each bit of success, and enjoyment pushes the standards higher. It needs to be repeated, at least preserved, but even better if its beaten. But then there is more and more struggle to repeat, to go on.

5) Suffering around the trip that allows me to define the trip as “happy” by comparison — For me this suffering is the most slippery but also the most powerful. It is the cup and women optical illusion. It is the fact that even if all the above were untrue and the trip was all candy and unicorns, the contours are shaped by suffering. If there were no suffering, if I didn’t feel discontent in my daily life, I wouldn’t seek to  find a “happy zone” off in Japan. Two weeks straight with Eric felt so precious, it felt happy, because he is traveling so much for work at this time. Traveling around and seeing new things felt so engaging because my job bores me so much here. Eating whatever I want feels so freeing because I am so rigid here. None of the satisfaction I had on the trip actually makes sense without it being satisfying compared to dissatisfaction that I’m used to, that I definitely experience. It is with this awareness that it makes sense to start considering what happiness really is, how my concept of it arises…

Mae Yo once told me to go look at the idea of preserving, to contemplate on refrigeration, because us humans are always trying to preserve. I’m no different, I’m always trying to either preserve a particular space/time/self, or– as my recent NY life has shown me– get back to the good stuff I failed to preserve. But thinking about the women and the wine glasses, the interdependent nature of suffering and comfort, was starting to make me suspect, I was bound for failure.

2014, the time of this contemplation, was a good, fat year. Mostly, Eric and I were comfortable –we were healthy, wealthy, in love with each other, happy with our friends and community; stress, aside for Eric’s chronic work stress, was low. I thought, this time/space (early 2014) is so good, I want it to stay this way for ever (it didn’t FYI). But, this 2014 time, when I really thought about it, was the culmination of struggles, it was constructed on the foundation of years of stress. There was our first year in SF when we were too poor to heat the house. There was the sorrow and stress of losing our life in Houston where we had moved from. There was the falling out with friends who were not as healthy and stable for us which motivated us to build new relationships.  All that made that 2014 moment in time comfortable was set-up by all the discomfort before it.

And…if I was being honest, its not like early 2014 was all butterflies and unicorns either. Even inside that comfortable moment, the wealth meant the stress of preserving it, of estate planning and financial advising. The stability at my work meant I was often board and unstimulated. And, underpinning all of it was the stress of Eric’s job, the job that allowed us to even afford to stay in the Bay Area.

The truth – there is suffering here and suffering there. Sometimes it is less and sometimes more, but the comfort and ease of less is literally defined by, built off of, the periods there is more. I don’t want to lose my relatively comfortable moment, I want to preserve, to keep the suffering at bay. The suffering I have now is fine, I can bear it, I want this moment static. But, I had said that too about Houston, and then I was even happier in SF. I’d said I was happy with $100 but then I got $1,000. There will always be new things in my life, new people, experiences, stuff, because static is impossible.  And with each new thing I like I have the work of preserving. And with each thing I like that I lose, the work of getting it back.

I shared this contemplation with Mae Yo and she shared a few thoughts that I will relay here:

She said that we try to preserve because once we have something, it becomes necessary. And just like suffering before is what shapes my happy now moments as happy, the happy moments cause my suffering later – each thing I love I will lose, each thing that is good will set the standards by which I view something else as bad. Understanding preserving is tied to understanding the relationship between suffering and comfort; since staying the same, preserving, is never really possible in a world that is always changing and moving, love of what we have sets us up to feel loss when it is gone.

She left me with a final thought about understanding how to practice, how to progress: “in your palm is sticky rice, just keep rolling it till the oil in your hand makes it fall off your palm.”

Its about then I saw the way forward with my homework of understanding the 2 sides of suffering and comfort. I knew I needed to ask 5 questions:

• Suffering in happy moments
• Suffering trying to get happy moments
• Suffering of losing happiness
• Suffering by trying to preserve, repeat and replace with better
• Happiness as defined by surrounding suffering.

Stay tuned for the long awaited homework assignment…