Alana's Dharma Blog

I had an old friend, we’ll call her Ebony, come to visit. Ebony and I were dear friends in college and beyond, but we had drifted apart for 2-3 years before, out of the blue, she called to arrange a visit. I was so happy to see my friend when she arrived and even happier to see that she was happy and thriving in a way I had never seen before.

Ebony, though an amazing person and great friend, had her struggles. She struggled with anxiety and depression, drug use, health issues, school, relationships and jobs. But suddenly (from my perspective) the woman that appeared at my door was healthy, confident, productive and stable. I waited for a perfect moment to ask .. what the hell happened to the Ebony I knew?

Ebony recounted how, for years she was a ball of stress because she never graduated from college. You see, after 2 years as my classmate she had to drop out from stress related health problems. A few years later she returned to school, only to have to drop out again, this time from drug use. Over and over, for more than 15 years, my friend repeated the same cycle — stress at being a failure for not graduating forced her to re-enroll, stress from school made her sick, sickness destroyed her life in so many other ways. Still, in this time, she had managed to begin at a low level job and forge ahead until she had a really good, enjoyable, well paying career.

One day, before another re-enroll, she realized her problem — she defined her success as being a person who graduated from college, she, by her own definition was a failure. But, evidence in her own life forced her to challenge this view, after all, college made her a wreck every time, but  she had found professional success in another way. Suddenly, she was done, done with defining her success in one fixed way. Done trying to go back to school and sending herself through more cycles of suffering. Done calling herself a failure based on one thing while ignoring all the other success she had. Done being the Ebony I had always known.

As I sat attentively listening to my friend’s story, my mind was doing jumps for joy — the Dharma works! It friggin works! If it can work for Ebony, for a whole adult life of brokenness, there is hope for me too. Of course, my friend, who is not a Buddhist practitioner, wouldn’t put it in these terms, but her story was basically:

Deep wrong view (permanent thought about graduating =  success) propelled her into years of actions (re-enrolling) that hurt her. Collecting evidence (failure in school and success in other ways)allowed her to change her view. With her wrong view eliminated she was free of her cycle, free to do other things.

And all Alana really wants is to be free. Seeing Ebony, someone I knew so well, changed in such a dramatic way really impacted me. It was so simple, so clear, better than any outline or roadmap to practice I could have come-up with. This example, of how the dharma works, logically, naturally, as a basic feature of this world, really hit home. It gave me hope that Dharma is  not some impenetrable mystery outside the grasp of ordinary folks (after all my friend is ordinary like me, she isn’t even a Buddhist). The tools and techniques we all use to problem solve our way through our daily lives (turned towards the path) are all we really need. That, and once in awhile, a little inspiration from a friend.

 

After sharing the prior two contemplations with Mae Yo, I asked the following 3 questions for clarification. Mae Yo’s answers are in green below:

Question Part 1) From my contemplation it seems that sometimes karmic debt is something we create through feelings and interpretations of our own actions. Sometimes however it seems to be initiated by others. Is this correct and if so then whats the balance–how do I reconcile these two ideas? consequences?

Yes, karma works in both ways. Sometimes we do wrong, but don’t feel wrong and so we don’t take on that karma. Other times, we take on karma that isn’t ours to begin with (like feeling guilty about Eric’s move from NY, when you weren’t to blame). Other times, others hold us to certain debts…. it works just like the judicial system in this world.

Question Part 2) In so far as we have limited control of the karma we have already created and which we continue to create what do we do? I guess I feel a little like–how am I ever going to stop getting reborn if others can keep pulling me back. I am scared I’m trapped not just by my own failings of view (of which there are plenty) but also by others. The double whammy seems overwhelming.

There are two parts: 1. others pulling you to be born, and 2. you pulling others to be born

The way not to be reborn is to change your key viewpoints that have caused all those bad karmic acts that you are paying for now. It’s like trying to get a tree to stop producing leaves. You can pluck each leaf, each stem, each branch, or cut the trunk. Choosing each of those acts will result in different results. Once you cut the key viewpoint, the big branches or the trunk, the leaves won’t grow back in time to overwhelm you again.

Question Part 3) Is there anything else on this topic of Karma that is important for me to know/understand/contemplate?

When focusing on karma, you can hone in on the consequences…the revenge aspect. This is what makes the world go round.

Mae Yo’s thoughts about the Eric and NY story i.e. karma as something created by myself:  This is a very clear example of how you took on that karmic debt even though you may not have been responsible for it. It affected your thoughts, your actions, your speech. But once your view changed, this karmic debt can go away. This is how you can stop being reborn….it’s like outrunning the karmic cycle. It can’t keep up with you if you are cutting out wrong views and not just actions or speech.

Mae Yo’s thoughts about my examples of  where karma is created by someone else: There’s really no way to avoid these, and you may not want to avoid them either. They are the examples that teach us and move us forward in our practice. Without problems, we don’t challenge ourselves to find solutions. While we can’t avoid them, we can be better prepared…by doing what we’ve been doing, digging up our past actions and figuring out the whys and hows.

Alana’s Further Thoughts: About a month after these contemplations, Mae Yo told a story that really helped sharpen my understanding of karma. The story was that she once bought a truck from a guy and because there was a small problem with the truck she felt cheated. She felt she was owed something, like the scales of the transaction were not balanced. She said that because of this, he could have brought her back to this world, he could have been a karmic debtor. But, when she came to understand vengeance, to eliminate it through her practice, the truck salesman no longer had control over her. The connection was severed.

The story made it clear to me that, in the end, if the causes of our rebirth, our wrong views (in Ma Yo’s case, this was vengence), are eliminated, there is simply no force great enough to pull us back. I can’t think of a better reason to start uprooting my own wrong views…

 

I was starting to feel like, “oh, I totally get this karma thing”, It’s something I create through my thoughts (you can read the last blog post). Then, Mae Yo comes out with a Youtube Q and A — Karmic Creditor — and I feel like “oh shit, I am totally karma screwed”. The video was about the power our karmic creditors can have over us and it made me realize I better contemplate a bit more on how karma can be created by others…

My thoughts on karma as something generated by the intention and interpretation of others: In some ways it seems obvious — something I do, or the perception of something I do, colors another’s response to me and their response creates an impact on me. I see at least 3 subgroups:

1) Actions I knew were going to be a problem when I did them —  example: when I was in high school I tried to steal my bestfriends’ boyfriend. I knew it was a bad idea, that it was going to be hurtful, that there would be fallout, but desire outweighed my concern for consequence. For stuff like this, I feel I at least have a chance to put the brakes-on. I can consider the potential risks and determine if its worth it ahead of time.

2) Stuff I do which, at the time I didn’t foresee to be a problem but which I  later realize can be. This category, which I am grappling a lot with lately, is stuff I used to think was no problem but which now I’m starting to realize is dangerous. Example: I used to have the feeling that relationships with friends and family were relatively disposable. They could be nurturing mutually for a time, but when circumstances changed, they could be gently let go of and everyone would agree that its for the best when the calls or visits just stop. Only recently have I started to see that not everybody would just agree with my view and that there are old friends/family that I have hurt by ‘letting-go’. For some of these, where its appropriate, I have tried to be in contact a bit more and not be so neglectful . For other cases, I think action on my part would make things worse so I have refrained. But contemplation on the topic of my old friendships has shifted the way I create friendships now; it has made me wary. For a while I was pressuring Eric for us to make new couple friends, then I realized all the upkeep and time it would take and I just let go of the idea. This weekend an old friend invited me to go to a party and I thought — ugh, its going to put me in a place where I engage with folks who may want more engagement from me after the party ends, another dinner, a trip, etc. — I rather just avoid planting the seeds so I am getting together with my friend alone, but not going to a party.

Not that I’m avoiding all new friendships..just I am thinking very carefully about who I choose and why, not just to make connections that validate me or make me feel loved for a time (the way I think I used to see friendships). With this example I can see how as my understanding grows I have the opportunity to change my behaviors, or rather my behaviors shift on their own, and can be less dangerous. Still–its a process and I feel like I have already left a battlefield of destruction in my wake.

3) This is the group that scares me the most — stuff that I didn’t think could be a problem at the time and I am still unsure how to avoid. Into this category fall accidents as well as stuff where I did the best with the info I had at the time, but it still turned out badly. Example: at my first job my boss went away on vacation and left me in charge of the gala for a few weeks. Even after he returned the vendors and donors still continued contacting me and my boss was upset because he thought I was trying to take his job. For a while he made stuff very hard for me, micromanaged, etc.  I was doing my best with what I knew and what I believed was my job, but my boss’ perception played into creating a circumstance that had a real negative fallout. I don’t even know how to avoid stuff like this in the future.

So, which is it? Karma is initiated by us, our thoughts and interpretations. Or karma is something initiated by others. Is it both? Neither? What does this mean for me? For my ability to control the karma I create? Time for a little help from my teacher… stay tuned for the next blog where I ask Mae Y specific questions from my karma contemplations and share the answers I got.

I was reading a short story that got me thinking about Karma. The extra short version goes something like this…

A woman was sitting on a train trying to read, when a man came, sat down next to her and started talking. She was busy, not interested in a conversation, and politely found a way to excuse herself. The story ends with this man committing suicide by jumping off the train and the woman ravished by guilt that she may have been able to stop him, if only she had taken the time and talked to him.

As the reader, I certainly didn’t think the woman did anything wrong or that she was at fault for the man’s suicide. But the character in the story imagines it is her fault, she takes on the guilt, she creates the karma, the little black mark on her heart that one way or another she will pay for.

Naturally, my thoughts turned inward, to me, my life, and a parallel situation… Back when Eric and I first started dating he lived in New York and he liked it . He had a job as a programmer that he enjoyed and took pride in, it gave him lots of time for self improvement and hobbies as well. When I left for Grad School in Nashville I invited him to join me and he did. He went on to get a business degree and work in HR but he has never really liked his work as much as back when he was programming. He has been so busy and not had as much time for outside activities. For years and years I blamed myself for taking Eric away from his “goodlife” in NY. I felt like I had ruined his life and I owed him a special debt for it that I didn’t even know how to repay, even after we were married. I tried though…especially when it came to the topic of deciding when and where to move, I had a bias for yielding to Eric’s wishes so I didn’t again hurt him through a move.

It wasn’t until I started really thinking about control that my perception shifted— First off, I started seeing that there were some details about Eric’s “goodlife” in NY that my rosey memory had excluded. Eric was lonely and had been looking for a partner for a long time. He had tried numerous efforts to find a partner and still he had no real luck –coming with me and being my partner fulfilled a need of his own and wasn’t just a sacrifice for me. 9/11 happened and he lost his programming job and was actually between jobs when we went to Nashville. Eric had considered business school before we dated, but didn’t pursue it.. Thinking it through, I realized both that NY wasn’t all sunshine and there were lots of factors, other than myself, that influenced his decision to move. I realized that I had painted myself as the center of the story of Eric’s decision, his life, and blamed myself for my own perception of what went wrong. It was giving myself a bit too much credit ;).

As I began to see that I may have been a factor in Eric’s life change, but certainly wasn’t in control of it (not the cause) I really did feel my sense of indebtedness to him lessen. It hasn’t changed my day-to-day behaviors toward him so much, but in my heart I feel freer. It made me see how the way I interpret a situation  can color the sense of responsibility I have and the connections that that fosters.

Just like with the woman on the train, my belief that I caused Eric’s actions and the results that proceeded, burdened me, and created a sense of debt that played-out in my behaviors toward him. If I hadn’t investigated the wrong views underlying this guilt, it would likely still be playing-out and I would be saddled with a sense of debt I didn’t know how to repay.

So that’s it right? (drumroll for my very first karma though) We are the ones that interpret a behavior / situation, assign it emotional weight  and then create our karma. There is no one else out there assigning points for our actions, keeping score, no great being in the sky dictating that for action X you will receive result Y.. .all this stuff is happening in our hearts.

Clarity, karma is something I create. It’s all on me, in my head, in my heart, I got this. But not so fast….what happens when someone else karma zaps me??? Stay tuned for next week’s 2nd kamic contemplation, Karma as Something Generated by the Intention and Interpretation of Others…