August 2017 – Alana's Dharma Blog

Dead Before Even Being Born

August 25, 2017 alana Comments 0 Comment

As a great lover of all things lovely, I couldn’t resist going to my local museum for a special butterfly exhibit when it came to town. Part of the exhibit featured glass cases where cocoons were carefully pinned at the tip so that the butterflies inside could hatch and then fly away.

One butterfly however wasn’t so lucky, its cocoon had been pinned too far down and its wing had been caught. I watched the butterfly struggle to free itself, but it was hopeless, that beautiful creature was dead before it was even fully born.

Something at first seemed unnatural about the situation. But then I realized I had seen this before, things dead before being born. My new cellphone that broke was dead before I had really gotten to use it. I had started a relationship once with a guy I knew was moving in 2 weeks, the relationship was dead before it was born. I had bought a house in Texas and we moved to San Fran a few months later, it was gone before I had settled in and made it mine. In the end, duration is uncertain.

But still, even as I compiled the evidence in my head that this was just one more case of impermanence, of limited duration, I was getting more deeply upset. It just didn’t seem right that the the butterfly was so beautiful, had earned its beauty by struggling out of its cocoon, and was dying nonetheless.

Squiggly line flash back ———————-I had been at an event for donors at Zen Hospice several years before and a story from one of the caregivers had really shaken me up. She had been caring for a young women, funny, beautiful, a porn star by occupation, and dead of a brain disease before she hit 30. It stuck with me all these years, because, like the butterfly, it didn’t seem right. Young and beautiful shouldn’t die.

In fact, in my mind, beauty is control and death is out of control. The two should be opposites. But the porn star, the butterfly, they were telling me a very uncomfortable truth. All my primping, exercising, lotions and potions, all my efforts to be and stay beautiful, can’t keep me safe. Like that butterfly, my duration is uncertain, my efforts don’t earn me a pass on death, my beauty, already fading anyway, is not an antidote to immpermacne.

More Tools of the Dharma Trade

August 18, 2017 alana Comments 0 Comment

The following is a homework assignment from around this time that I turned in to LP Anan. The content was about how I had used multiple KPY tools in a contemplation of my own. Because tools and techniques have been an important theme in this blog, I wanted to include the homework here:

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One night a friend was over talking to me about some drama that was going on in a social club she had started — she felt like she had been put in a position of leadership that she didn’t want and was being forced to make decisions that made her uncomfortable. As I listened to my friend talk about her own experiences of leadership, I saw that she had so many wrong views that were coloring her thinking. I couldn’t help internalize her story and ask — has this ever happened to me?

Since for many years I was always the first person to volunteer… that chick incapable of saying no…I knew I must have a good tale to tell myself….

~~~~Wavy lines and dreamy tv flashback music ~~~~~~

Background Story: Before I was a student in Laung Por Thoon’s method, I used to practice Buddhism in the Tibetan tradition. One day, we learned our Lama — the big teacher — was coming to town and the students had to plan the entire event. I went to the first planning meeting and it was disorganized and chaotic; I wondered how we were ever going to plan an event in a short time. I have lots of professional event planning experience and it soon became clear that I was ‘the best qualified’ person to lead, and that other members of the group wanted me to take over. So I did.

The next few weeks were hellish. I spent so much time planning the event I began to feel “abused” and taken advantage of by the other students. They were aggressive in asking me to do stuff and gave little help … I felt, ‘how could they do this to me?’ It really surprised me too, it’s just not how bunch of Buddhists should be acting!

In the end, the event happened and went smoothly. Still I had a lingering sense of dis-ease that has stayed with me for years. I really felt like I was a victim in this circumstance and my perception of the Buddhist community was really tainted.

Wrong View 1: I am the best person to run the event. If I didn’t run the event it wouldn’t happen. Right off the bat I had several permanent, and therefore wrong, views about how essential I was in the event planning process. I believed that my past experience planning made me well suited for the current experience (actually I learned planning a religious event is very different than a gala). I believed that if I didn’t act nothing would get done (actually, many visits had happened successfully long before I was a student of this lama). I believed that because others wanted me to act I should. I interpreted other people’s words and actions as indicators I should act and lead when in fact they may not have wanted or expected that at all.

Really all of this was just ego, but I couldn’t resist putting me at the center of something that didn’t necessarily involve me and thinking the permanent though –I am the best!!!. Since I’m the best it’s my responsibility to act. If I had allowed doubt –’Am I really the best and is this really my responsibility?’ — to creep in, I may not have ended up in the ‘volunteer’ position to begin with.

Wrong View 2: This isn’t how a bunch of Buddhists should be acting. If some Buddhists act this way, all Buddhist will act this way. When I look back at the story now I realize that my suffering was intimately linked to my expectation about how “a bunch of Buddhists” should be acting (setting conditions). When I think about rough events that I have planned for work, I haven’t felt “wounded for years” when things are hard and people act in ways I find distasteful; I figure it is just part of the job. Since I went into the event with expectations about how everyone in a particular group should act, I was quite disappointed when they behaved differently than I wanted them too.

Moreover my disappointment was compounded when in my mind I applied some super bad logic– If some Buddhists act badly, all must act badly, always. Now in addition to my hurt about the event I had lingering doubt about my faith…about myself as a Buddhist.

Wrong View 3: I blamed others and felt like a victim when in fact I participated for my own reasons and got certain benefits from planning the event. For years I thought of this story as something that “happened to me”; in my mind I was the downtrodden protagonist, but in reality I was an active participant. For starters, I volunteered. I did it, not just because of my wrong view of my bestness, but also because doing so helped meet my needs. I was able to prove my bestness, to feel essential, to be part of the group, to have the event go the way I wanted it to, etc. For all of the frustration of the event planning, I was willing to do it to meet my needs, or to at least try. In light of this how can I blame others and not take responsibility?

Two Sides: When I volunteered I ignored the risks of taking the leadership role and I wasn’t mentally prepared for the downside involved in the decision. As such I felt “blindsided” and suffered accordingly. But, KPY teaches us that all things have 2 sides, good and bad, that’s just the nature of this world. To do anything, like volunteering for a role, thinking only of the good side, is bound to set me up for disappointment when I get slapped with the bad side. When I volunteered I considered only the good things–how great it would be for the community and the teachers and (secretly) how great it would make me look and feel. When I got late nights and harsh words and hurt feelings I was so surprised and sad…I now realize that this is just the other side of the coin which I need to be prepared for.

Applying These Lessons : Over the years I have reflected on different aspects of this story at different times and it has really helped me in a number of ways. For starters I was able to see that it’s not always best to be the first one with hand in the air jumping up to volunteer. It is not certain that I am always the best equipped for different roles and I now know that any I do take will have a cost I must be prepared for. This is not to say I will never volunteer again, just that I am sensitive to differences in circumstance and I can make decisions that seem most appropriate for that instance, not just be the chick who always volunteers.

This story has also helped me think more critically about my ideals about being a Buddhist. I am much more reluctant to say a good Buddhist is this or always does this and have become less judgmental (of myself and others) for it. I feel more resilient in my faith which is no longer so easily shaken by what one person, or a group, or I, do as though it were the final word on Buddhism.

Finally, this story helps me think about some bigger and broader themes in my life and practice, like my tendency to frame myself as a victim and my need to think much more critically about the reasons I do certain things, their risks and consequences, and the pattern of circumstances that give birth to them.

The Everyday Life of a Buddhist

August 11, 2017 alana Comments 0 Comment

In my Buckle-up Buddhisty period, I strengthened the foundations of my practice by building a scaffold to support my future contemplations. I took specifically Buddhist ideas and applied my experiences to understanding them. Thanks to this effort, I got a glimpse of the the inner workings, the systems, my own mind uses to keep me deluded (Alana’s 2s and 3s) and stuck suffering (Where my Mind Visits HW series) and the process the Buddha outlined to set myself free (the Four Noble truths).

As fancy, fascinating and frustrating as all those big Buddhisty ideas are, the Buddhist path really does play out in everyday life. The next phase of my blog/practice returns, more or less, to my everyday life, to what is happening and what I am experiencing, as the starting point for my contemplations. But…now, super amped-up thanks to the clarity and precision that understanding the inner workings of my mind and the path gave me.

I offer again, extra special super duper gratitude to my teacher, Mae Yo, for giving me the guidance I needed to build that scaffolding when my practice was ripe for it.

Alana’s Road Map to Dharma Practice Part 3

August 4, 2017 alana Comments 0 Comment

Just a reminder, this entry is the final section in an email I sent to my teacher, Mae Yo, outlining what I see as a road map to practice. If you have not done so already, do go back and read the Last Blog before continuing: _______________________________________________________________________

Part 3: A Few Words on Ideas From the Buddha

At risk of this email turning into a multi-volume desk set, I will try to keep this short. But here we go…before I recently went to Hawaii I had spent some time contemplating and came to the conclusion that the 4 noble truths, plus right view, may be enough to walk the path.

Before I went to Hawaii a friend made some off-hand comment about the 4 noble truths and it got me to really start thinking about them, considering whether I understand them. Once I was in Hawaii I started contemplating hotels.

We have been to Hawaii 3 times and stayed in different hotels each time. This was not driven by external factors alone (or even mostly) like price or availability. It was driven by us wanting certain things out of the experience and striving to get them. I’ll spare writing the full details, but I noticed first we wanted location and quiet, then more luxury and service then more control over diet and anonymity. Each hotel had its benefits but there were also things we perceived as faults, discomforts, so we kept striving for more… I decided to try out considering the subject in terms of the 4 noble truths.

A Short Summary:

The first Noble Truth –Life entails Dukka (unsatisfactoriness, suffering)

From Alana’s Hotel Experience: I am uncomfortable at home and I want to travel. When I do, each spot I visit is a little off– too loud, too public, too basic, no kitchen, wrong location. I feel dissatisfied in some way. Even the best place, even when I was overall comfortable, there were little things…there was Dukka

The second Noble Truth — Dukka (unsatisfactoriness, suffering) arises based on a cause. The cause is Thanha (craving)

From Alana’s Hotel Experience: My discomfort (Dukka) arises because of things I want (Thanha) — specifically, both physical comforts (luxury, cleanliness, location) as well as identity wants (to be someone who is luxurious, to be someone who takes care about what they eat, to be someone who is off the beaten track) and the desire for control (to be able to cook, to be able to come and go unnoticed).

The third Noble Truth: When the causes of Dukka are eliminated, Dukka is eliminated.

From Alana’s Hotel Experience: If I didn’t have a bunch of conditions around travel then I could be ok with a broad range of situations and I wouldn’t suffer. I wouldn’t hotel hop, I may not even go in the first place…If there were no causes the results would cease.

The fourth Noble Truth: The Buddha has taught the path to the cessation of Dukka, i.e. the Eight Fold Path, beginning with correcting wrong views

From Alana’s Hotel Expereince: By extension of #3, if I want the suffering to cease I need to uproot the causes. To do so I need to examine and change the wrong views that give rise to the discomfort.

Wrong View From the 8 Fold path: A few that I found in the Hotel Story:

1) That I can control–that I can both get the things I want but avoid the ones I want. The evidence however is that there are trade offs with each hotel. The wrong view though causes me to keep looking.

2) That I am a type of person, that types of people always do the same things, that the places I go can reify the person type I see myself to be.

3) That any hotel, anything is perfect. That it can stay perfect, it is repeatable from one visit to another. That it will bring me comfort and happiness. In reality, I know from experience travel is a mixed bag.

4) That I can carve out a time or place in my life that is special, removed from the sufferings of this world. That I can control it by hopping on a plane or having a comfy bed. That the flowers I get at the reception desk will protect me from unhappiness, at least for a little while. That I can create and hold on to special moments, schedule them and share them with Eric on command. Unraveling this is a whole separate email…

Alana’s later day note: Mae Yo read my roadmap and confirmed it was correct. This particular contemplation is one I have gone back to over and over. It confirms that, in my own heart, in my own words, in my own experiences, I understand the path to enlightenment. From the smoking story, I have a template that I can follow for all my contemplations, for my whole practice. From the hotel story, I have my own evidence that what the Buddha laid out in his very first sermon, the core of the teaching, is accessible to me, is the map he left and which I understand the language and the markings well enough to follow. I still have a long way to go, but I know I can find my way back to the path, even if I get lost.

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Month: August 2017