But wait….there is more…

How I use details like those little horse blinders — zooming me in, myopic in sight, fixated on moving forward in the world.

Lately I have been considering another problem of my details-fixated view: It keeps me myopic, zoomed-in, constantly engaged with/dazzled by what is right in front of me.

Last week — as Eric and I were talking about if we have enough money for him to retire soon (again) — I was considering a tendency I have to over-value being prepared, of ignoring both the costs and risks of preparation because I idolize it as always good and right in all circumstances. In my mind, if I am prepared, I am in control, and if I am in control shit is bound to turn out better than if I am not. Preparation, control, are proxies of safety for me. My recent blog post goes into some of the details of considering the wrong views that underlie my beliefs about preparedness ( this blog here), but  as I was thinking about it, I realized the reason I get my panties in a knot in the first place is my myopic, little zoomed-in view.

When I fixate, narrowly looking at each instance/occasion with blinders on, I believe I can see all the ingredients that get a particular outcome on a case by case basis. When I get outcomes I want, I take away the lesson that I prepared correctly — amassed the right mix of knowledge, skill, relationship, money, influence and try to do it all again next time. When I get unwanted outcomes, I try and learn/amass/prepare for next time. Case by case this long, arduous methodology sorta works because results arise based on reasons, and we can absolutely be part of the mix of reasons that give rise to certain results. And, while no two sets of circumstances/events are exactly the same, the world has a way of churning out circumstances that are similar enough, some of the time, to allow preparation based on past learnings to apply to new circumstances. So I spend lifetimes trying to get the circumstances just right for the crystal configuration I want –dazzled by each special snowflake.

Zoom out though and I get a picture of endless snow. Like a video game : you can prepare — amass life, power, energy and weapons to beat the big baddie you are stuck on. Only winning just means you need to face the next bigger baddie. This is a video game that there is absolutely no way to win. With details I distract myself, convince myself that this game is fun and different each time, worth playing instead of seeing the truth: Endlessness of the same-ole-same-ole bs.

But wait, there is EVEN more…

I use a curated selection of details to affirm my own warped, personally preferable view of the world is the correct one; I use the details I like to strengthen my wrong views.

Here in CT we have a mask mandate in effect, this morning I was silently fuming at the asshole that couldn’t follow the rules and keep his damn mask on at Whole Foods. I get so angry, I think to myself, “how hard is it to wear a mask, look at all these other people wearing one.”  I am focusing on some people, some details, some snowflakes wearing masks and trying to use them to derive a rule for all people; it is the sometimes, plus my own beliefs/biases/desires (i.e. the meaning I imagine into the rupa of masks), that get me to the ole’ royal SHOULD.

Should is a dangerous beast, it becomes the implicit correct, the way the world –if only it was just cleared of its ugly adulterations –is meant to be.  Alana of course sees the correct and proper should-world-order and takes it upon herself to try and enforce, at least in whatever small corner of the world I claim as my own. What can’t actually be enforced can at least be hoped for, worked towards, expected, because in my own weird circular logic, could proves should (some folks wear masks so everyone could, which means they should) and should by definition proves could, since only a crazy person (hint hint Alana) would say everyone has to follow a rule that can’t be followed.

The problem of course is that this is total nonsense. I took some details — some people masking, and with a flick of my imaginary wand, turned that into “proof” that all people could mask, they should mask, we are just one asshole away from being my perfect paradise of masking!!!!  But the fact that some snowflakes have rounded points doesn’t =  all snowflakes must have rounded points. I curate the details I like into ‘proof’ because I don’t understand that sometimes never magically transforms into always. Especially not simply because I want it to.

The real truth is there are reasons some people wear masks, just like there are reasons some people don’t wear masks; people act in accordance with the causes and conditions that shape their actions. The expectation that all people are going to mask the same way ignores the differences in causes and conditions that impact each behavior, in each moment, by each continually changing aggregate process (i.e person). People will act in accord with their causes and conditions independent of my preferences or beliefs about what is ‘true’ and ‘right’ and ‘should’. Just focusing on the details I like/want, and ignoring the others, doesn’t change this one bit. All it does is reinforce my wrong view that Alana rules are universal ones. That and it makes me an angry, bitter, judgmental bitch.

Final Thoughts for Now

I know there is still more to glean from these snowflakes, and I am thinking that for next steps I will turn my attention back to self and self belonging (particularly body and rupa)– with this new context in mind — and see what new I can shake loose on that front.

There is still work to do, more persuasion needed, but I am starting to be way more suspicious that my mind is constantly doing a snow job on me. It tricks me (I trick me) to build an identity, a specialness and safety with details, to be distracted by them and to interpret them wildly in support of a fantasy-funhouse-mirror version of the world. But, if I take-off the crazy glasses and put on clear ones, I can use details to demonstrate that not only does this world not act in accord with my preferences/rules, but it never can/will. What needs to adjust isn’t this world, it can’t, it is already governed by a perfectly functional, logical, necessary set of rules. What needs to be adjusted is my expectations/view.