I went to the spa today, mid-day Monday, I expected it would be quiet. Instead, it was a zoo. I did my usual dance to duck and dodge the crowds, aka the disease carriers, but it was impossible, there were too many people. As I sat in the sauna –vigilantly listening to detect any cough, any sniffle — I started thinking about how stressed out I am. I have so much money, but I continually stress on how to keep it, whether it…
I had a dream the other night. In it I met-up with an old lover. He still looked good and we started making out. As we undressed, he said something like, “you still look good, but not as good as I do.” Still though, he accepted my advances and we ended up having sex. When I woke-up, I considered the dream more: Does his desire, or rather acquiescence to sleep with me, really prove what I want it to prove…
A few days after the contemplations in the preceding blog later I was thinking further on this idea of ‘as I see fit’ and more broadly on the way I come to the conclusion that something is mine. What is the evidence I use, and what it is I am trying to accomplish, with all this mineness? Of course, in one way, there is just the basic: I like what I like and I want to claim and keep what…
I was reading Mae Yo’s autobiography. I got to a section where she talks about a story she had read about a girl, raised in a traditional community in Africa, that was taken by her mother to be circumcised when she hit puberty. Mae Yo considered the suffering, risks, and perils of enforcing this practice and observed that the mothers in that community must view the daughters as belonging to them otherwise they would not bring them in for such a…
On the tale of considering the shifting meaning in rupa, I started considering where exactly my sense of identity comes from anyway. In Buddhism the answer is given to us practitioners to back solve for: The 5 clinging aggregates. Below are some of my contemplations on this topic from the time: Being a cause isn’t proof of self: I have often reflected that I use being as cause of something, whether it is baking a cake, getting ripped, or writing…
The other morning, I was intimate with Eric. Afterwards, I started thinking the difference between rape and consensual sex. The difference between how it feels to have sex early in a relationship versus late in married life. The act is the same in all cases, so what has changed? It can only be me, the meaning I assign the rupa act of sex. The thrill was max in a new relationship, when the confirmation felt freshest, novel. Middling when its no longer…
Dear Reader – I write and introduction to this blog to warn it’s a mash-up: It is the bones of a contemplation from back in July 2024, rehashed now, in Aug 2026, when I am in the throws of contemplations on the 5 aggregates. This hybrid nature of this blog make it decidedly NOT part of the orderly telling of my practice that I set-out to create with this blog. And yet now, I can’t unsee what recent considerations have…
I’m going to lead into this blog by admitting up front I had actually arrived at a very rudimentary version of its conclusion prior to the contemplations in part 3 taking shape. But it was more of a bop on the head, than a conscious consideration, and articulating it in the rudimentary state doesn’t really work for a blog narrative. So we are, for clarities sake, a little out of order here. It’s not ideal as cause and effect does…
This is a follow-on to the last post (#2) with a note from even more recent ‘today’s Alana’. It reflects more contemplations from just a few days ago (July 13, 2026) on this same idea– body as ticket to desired future – that has clearly been a recurrent, and important, theme in my practice over the years. Since retreat, and at Mae Neecha’s suggestion, I have assigned myself the daily homework of evaluating the claims I make on objects, seeing…
This is a follow-on to the last post with a note from ‘today’s Alana’. It reflects more recent contemplations on this idea– body as ticket to desired future – that has been a recurrent theme in my practice over the years. While the contemplations in the last blog helped soften me, it remains hard for me to let go of the ticket because I am still attached to the trip. Because, definitionally, I need an Alana body in order to…
I have been thinking more on how to dig up this attachment to rupa. I see my problem: Even if I know what a belonging is, a 4e object, I cling to it because I think I need it for my future fantasy. The parallel is a plane ticket — I know it’s just paper, but I cling to it because I desire the trip. I desire the future I imagine and that ticket is a critical tool to achieve that future, to have…
When reading Mae Neecha’s autobiography, I had been deeply struck by her description of a life as a swan in which she saw her swan lover die before her. I started crying when I read that short paragraph and I knew it had struck a chord. Eric is my beloved swan mate. I love him so, I am so attached. I am a person who wants a swan mate, someone with whom I share every moment, side-by-side, always together. That…
I was watching a workout video, the instructor shouted encouragingly, “control your body, control your movements.” Even as my body was doing the moves, my brain started to consider my bias to pay attention to, draw evidence from, the moments I think I am in control. Right now, as I haul this heavy weight, feeling tough, on top –controlling my body, controlling my movements – I am considering how many times my workouts have led me to injury. Usually though,…
I have been thinking about it: I am sick a lot. I have been sick a lot since I was a kid. I had bad stomach issues growing up, later the back issues, the allergies, asthma, mast cell disease. One way or another, I have almost always, in this life, been sick. In addition to my actual sickness, how many times have I worried about being sick? All the cancers, the autoimmunity, the covid, bird flu. How is it that…
I had sent a message to Mae Neecha about a contemplation I had on regret. Here I want to share the original email, and her reply, as it prompted renewed considerations of rupa, sickness and atta which I will delve into in subsequent blogs. ____________________________________________________________________________________ Original Email to Mae Neecha: I wanted to do a quick write-up of a different regret contemplation I had begun considering on retreat. I have fleshed-it out a bit more, and thought I would share,…
I had started watching the HBO vampire show True Blood again. The main character, Sookie, falls hard for the very first vampire she meets, Bill. Why? Because she is a telepath, she can read other humans’ thoughts, but not vampires’. When she meets human guys, she can hear their disrespectful thoughts, their carnal desires. Her telepathy confirms that all of these men’s interest in her is just about fulfilling their desires; their desire isn’t really about her, she is an…
I found a lump in my breast. I kept palpating it, poking it, trying to remember if it had been there before. I couldn’t recall, I couldn’t be sure, so I made an appointment with the doctor to get it checked. Now it’s just a few days waiting to get in and see the her. And as I wait, I consider: On one hand, I am stressed. Of course, my precious body is in peril, my most beloved of possessions…
Mae Neccha she sees her own personal tendencies –and their perils – clearly. It is what is helping her end her rebirth cycles. So what about me, do I know myself? What are my tendencies that keep propelling me forward? I am driven by the quest for comfort. Security. It’s so deep that I fell in love with Eric when he said he would take care of me. Over and over, this desire for safety is intertwined with the people,…
In the context of so many lives, none is all that meaningful. And yet I cling… I have been reading Mae Neecha’s autobiography and her recollections of her own past lives really struck me. From them she is able to reflect on her tendencies and views that keep her coming back, for example returning to the world to ‘fix’ others she judges. She sees the perils of these habits of view so clearly: She talks about a friend staying with…
