I found a lump in my breast. I kept palpating it, poking it, trying to remember if it had been there before. I couldn’t recall, I couldn’t be sure, so I made an appointment with the doctor to get it checked. Now it’s just a few days waiting to get in and see the her. And as I wait, I consider: On one hand, I am stressed. Of course, my precious body is in peril, my most beloved of possessions…
Mae Neccha she sees her own personal tendencies –and their perils – clearly. It is what is helping her end her rebirth cycles. So what about me, do I know myself? What are my tendencies that keep propelling me forward? I am driven by the quest for comfort. Security. It’s so deep that I fell in love with Eric when he said he would take care of me. Over and over, this desire for safety is intertwined with the people,…
In the context of so many lives, none is all that meaningful. And yet I cling… I have been reading Mae Neecha’s autobiography and her recollections of her own past lives really struck me. From them she is able to reflect on her tendencies and views that keep her coming back, for example returning to the world to ‘fix’ others she judges. She sees the perils of these habits of view so clearly: She talks about a friend staying with…
I read an article in the news that really intrigued me. It was about a new biological law, the law of ‘selectively advantageous instability’. In sum, the law proposes that, “instability in biological systems, like cells, may be beneficial to our survival. Afterall, it is what lets animals adapt to new environments, it allows growth and repair as well. Unfortunately, this great biological advantage comes with a serious disadvantage: Cellular instability brings aging, wear and tear on the system and…
Ever since I caught covid, my long-time health problems have gotten worse. After exams, and extensive appointments with specialists, I was finally diagnosed with an immune disorder –Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. It is an illness mediated by allergic pathways in the body; in short, my body overreacts to low levels of toxins in my environment. Even short exposures to everyday substances like mold, smoke, cleaning products and fragrance can trigger my immune system to ‘protect me’ with the release of…
I heard a really interesting news piece on NPR. It was about how plants have agency; they use information from their environment, mixed with past experiences, to shape their behavior for the future. They seem to have an active stake in the outcome of their life and they have the tendency to, and the means for, shaping that future. They are able to change how their bodies look, they can change conditions that they create for their offspring, change the…
I was again doing a 5 day fast. Already on day 4 and, as you can probably guess, super-duper hungry. I walked by a burger joint and the smell wafting from the shop was soooooofrigginnndelicious. Desire, hunger, snapped-up in me in an instant. Committed to the fast, I kept walking, thinking to myself how desire doesn’t really NEED to be addressed or satisfied, I could just let it pass. And as I let it pass, I started considering what this desire really…
With no direct flights from Tokyo to Miami, Eric and I decided to fly through San Francisco, taking a few days to see folks, on our way home. I made an appointment for us to stop by the temple and visit with Mae Yo and Mae Neecha. During our conversation, something Mae Neecha shared about karma really hit me. At the time, I wasn’t fully able to fully digest it, but retrospectively her example had a deep impact on my…
After Paris, Eric and I decided we really wanted to travel in Japan. Why not we figured, we had the time, the freedom, we always dreamed of a life of unfettered travel and now we can actually do it. We bought a one way ticket Paris to Tokyo and off we went. In truth, we had already been on the road in France for 3 months. It had started to get a bit tiresome, but we did love Japan and…
The insurance on my condo building was coming due, but before our insurer would issue a policy renewal, they needed some information from each unit owner. Most of the owners replied immediately, but, as usual, there was one unit’s owners – we will call them ‘the trouble owners’ – who failed to respond. Multiple times, the insurer, and other owners and I tried to reached-out to these people, multiple times they ignored communication. Finally, a day before our policy was…
After my first, and to date only, battle with covid, I suffered long covid for around 8 months. The infection itself wasn’t bad, but I rebounded and simply never really recovered. In the wake of the infection I had extreme fatigue, dizziness, post exertional malaise. For someone who had been strong and fit before, it was a blow. I was, as I always am, impatient to heal. I did some research and decided, based on a few case studies and…
Last night Eric and I were talking about health, strategizing our fasting and longevity plans going forward. I told him long covid had really shifted my view: Before I thought I could optimize my body, my health, that this body was something for me to p’wn with my will. But once I had LC, my goals became more modest: I just hoped for a body that would let me function, that would allow me the ability to do at least some of what…
A dear friend was visiting and talking about how much her daughter is struggling in school—she is downright depressed– and yet she is super reluctant to change, to do something else. As my friend spoke, I considered the daughter’s position and thought her misery and struggle seemed odd, after all, the daughter has choices: There are other schools to which she could apply, she has plenty of financial support, emotional support as well. Still, she feels stuck. My friend and…
Several years ago, I committed to chanting a little bit every day. For years, I have upkept this commitment flawlessly. And then yesterday, I simply forgot. I woke in the morning, embarrassed, ashamed, that something I had promised to do, I had stuck to with such steadfastness for years, simply slipped my mind. After I chanted, I thought a bit about my slip-up. I realize I am, in general, a person who is diligent in upholding my commitments, this is…
I opened up a message this morning and saw a quote from LP Thoon. It said, “Once your parents’ four elements have arisen, their elements are subject to aging, sickness, and death. You have been born from elements subject to death. You have been born from elements subject to impermanence. The entirety of your elements must be subject to the impermanence your parents were subject to. However your parents are, that is how you are. If your parents cannot cling to…
The other day I was sitting in French class, the other students’ sniffles making me shift in discomfort. I don’t want to get sick. I got home and reflected on how often I am uncomfortable, afraid of illness these days. Sure, I go about my daily life, but always with caution, always with the fear in the back of my head that someone around me is going to give me a disease. I eat in restaurants, but rush my meals…
I was tossing and turning in bed, half asleep and half awake. Worrying. I want Eric and I to start building the Miami place, I want a real home, that we own, to call our own. I want a permanent place, where I imagine my future, so I can feel safe. Eric rather wait to start building, he wants to be sure all the final payments from his former employer come-in as expected. He doesn’t see the threats I do…
I was at an event and there was a guy there who was coughing- sneezing- looking like hell- clearly sick. I was angry of course. I am thinking, “I hate him, I think he should burn in hell for knowingly exposing everyone around him to illness, just to go out and do something fun.” But even as I silently cursed this stranger, I turned my critical eye inwards and, of course, realized I have done the same thing… It weighs…
The other night Eric and I had another serious conversation, the upshot of which was I have not been being a good partner. He said something that really stung me, he asked if I was always so rough on him? Had he only now started to notice that he has more time not working? He gave a simple example and as soon as I heard it, I saw he was right, I had been being rough on him: The example is we…
