The other morning, I was intimate with Eric. Afterwards, I started thinking the difference between rape and consensual sex. The difference between how it feels to have sex early in a relationship versus late in married life. The act is the same in all cases, so what has changed? It can only be me, the meaning I assign the rupa act of sex. The thrill was max in a new relationship, when the confirmation felt freshest, novel. Middling when its no longer…
Dear Reader – I write and introduction to this blog to warn it’s a mash-up: It is the bones of a contemplation from back in July 2024, rehashed now, in Aug 2026, when I am in the throws of contemplations on the 5 aggregates. This hybrid nature of this blog make it decidedly NOT part of the orderly telling of my practice that I set-out to create with this blog. And yet now, I can’t unsee what recent considerations have…
I’m going to lead into this blog by admitting up front I had actually arrived at a very rudimentary version of its conclusion prior to the contemplations in part 3 taking shape. But it was more of a bop on the head, than a conscious consideration, and articulating it in the rudimentary state doesn’t really work for a blog narrative. So we are, for clarities sake, a little out of order here. It’s not ideal as cause and effect does…
This is a follow-on to the last post (#2) with a note from even more recent ‘today’s Alana’. It reflects more contemplations from just a few days ago (July 13, 2026) on this same idea– body as ticket to desired future – that has clearly been a recurrent, and important, theme in my practice over the years. Since retreat, and at Mae Neecha’s suggestion, I have assigned myself the daily homework of evaluating the claims I make on objects, seeing…
This is a follow-on to the last post with a note from ‘today’s Alana’. It reflects more recent contemplations on this idea– body as ticket to desired future – that has been a recurrent theme in my practice over the years. While the contemplations in the last blog helped soften me, it remains hard for me to let go of the ticket because I am still attached to the trip. Because, definitionally, I need an Alana body in order to…
I have been thinking more on how to dig up this attachment to rupa. I see my problem: Even if I know what a belonging is, a 4e object, I cling to it because I think I need it for my future fantasy. The parallel is a plane ticket — I know it’s just paper, but I cling to it because I desire the trip. I desire the future I imagine and that ticket is a critical tool to achieve that future, to have…
When reading Mae Neecha’s autobiography, I had been deeply struck by her description of a life as a swan in which she saw her swan lover die before her. I started crying when I read that short paragraph and I knew it had struck a chord. Eric is my beloved swan mate. I love him so, I am so attached. I am a person who wants a swan mate, someone with whom I share every moment, side-by-side, always together. That…
I was watching a workout video, the instructor shouted encouragingly, “control your body, control your movements.” Even as my body was doing the moves, my brain started to consider my bias to pay attention to, draw evidence from, the moments I think I am in control. Right now, as I haul this heavy weight, feeling tough, on top –controlling my body, controlling my movements – I am considering how many times my workouts have led me to injury. Usually though,…
I have been thinking about it: I am sick a lot. I have been sick a lot since I was a kid. I had bad stomach issues growing up, later the back issues, the allergies, asthma, mast cell disease. One way or another, I have almost always, in this life, been sick. In addition to my actual sickness, how many times have I worried about being sick? All the cancers, the autoimmunity, the covid, bird flu. How is it that…
I had sent a message to Mae Neecha about a contemplation I had on regret. Here I want to share the original email, and her reply, as it prompted renewed considerations of rupa, sickness and atta which I will delve into in subsequent blogs. ____________________________________________________________________________________ Original Email to Mae Neecha: I wanted to do a quick write-up of a different regret contemplation I had begun considering on retreat. I have fleshed-it out a bit more, and thought I would share,…
I had started watching the HBO vampire show True Blood again. The main character, Sookie, falls hard for the very first vampire she meets, Bill. Why? Because she is a telepath, she can read other humans’ thoughts, but not vampires’. When she meets human guys, she can hear their disrespectful thoughts, their carnal desires. Her telepathy confirms that all of these men’s interest in her is just about fulfilling their desires; their desire isn’t really about her, she is an…
I found a lump in my breast. I kept palpating it, poking it, trying to remember if it had been there before. I couldn’t recall, I couldn’t be sure, so I made an appointment with the doctor to get it checked. Now it’s just a few days waiting to get in and see the her. And as I wait, I consider: On one hand, I am stressed. Of course, my precious body is in peril, my most beloved of possessions…
Mae Neccha she sees her own personal tendencies –and their perils – clearly. It is what is helping her end her rebirth cycles. So what about me, do I know myself? What are my tendencies that keep propelling me forward? I am driven by the quest for comfort. Security. It’s so deep that I fell in love with Eric when he said he would take care of me. Over and over, this desire for safety is intertwined with the people,…
In the context of so many lives, none is all that meaningful. And yet I cling… I have been reading Mae Neecha’s autobiography and her recollections of her own past lives really struck me. From them she is able to reflect on her tendencies and views that keep her coming back, for example returning to the world to ‘fix’ others she judges. She sees the perils of these habits of view so clearly: She talks about a friend staying with…
I read an article in the news that really intrigued me. It was about a new biological law, the law of ‘selectively advantageous instability’. In sum, the law proposes that, “instability in biological systems, like cells, may be beneficial to our survival. Afterall, it is what lets animals adapt to new environments, it allows growth and repair as well. Unfortunately, this great biological advantage comes with a serious disadvantage: Cellular instability brings aging, wear and tear on the system and…
Ever since I caught covid, my long-time health problems have gotten worse. After exams, and extensive appointments with specialists, I was finally diagnosed with an immune disorder –Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. It is an illness mediated by allergic pathways in the body; in short, my body overreacts to low levels of toxins in my environment. Even short exposures to everyday substances like mold, smoke, cleaning products and fragrance can trigger my immune system to ‘protect me’ with the release of…
I heard a really interesting news piece on NPR. It was about how plants have agency; they use information from their environment, mixed with past experiences, to shape their behavior for the future. They seem to have an active stake in the outcome of their life and they have the tendency to, and the means for, shaping that future. They are able to change how their bodies look, they can change conditions that they create for their offspring, change the…
I was again doing a 5 day fast. Already on day 4 and, as you can probably guess, super-duper hungry. I walked by a burger joint and the smell wafting from the shop was soooooofrigginnndelicious. Desire, hunger, snapped-up in me in an instant. Committed to the fast, I kept walking, thinking to myself how desire doesn’t really NEED to be addressed or satisfied, I could just let it pass. And as I let it pass, I started considering what this desire really…
With no direct flights from Tokyo to Miami, Eric and I decided to fly through San Francisco, taking a few days to see folks, on our way home. I made an appointment for us to stop by the temple and visit with Mae Yo and Mae Neecha. During our conversation, something Mae Neecha shared about karma really hit me. At the time, I wasn’t fully able to fully digest it, but retrospectively her example had a deep impact on my…
