Last night Eric and I were talking about health, strategizing our fasting and longevity plans going forward. I told him long covid had really shifted my view: Before I thought I could optimize my body, my health, that this body was something for me to p’wn with my will. But once I had LC, my goals became more modest: I just hoped for a body that would let me function, that would allow me the ability to do at least some of what…
A dear friend was visiting and talking about how much her daughter is struggling in school—she is downright depressed– and yet she is super reluctant to change, to do something else. As my friend spoke, I considered the daughter’s position and thought her misery and struggle seemed odd, after all, the daughter has choices: There are other schools to which she could apply, she has plenty of financial support, emotional support as well. Still, she feels stuck. My friend and…
Several years ago, I committed to chanting a little bit every day. For years, I have upkept this commitment flawlessly. And then yesterday, I simply forgot. I woke in the morning, embarrassed, ashamed, that something I had promised to do, I had stuck to with such steadfastness for years, simply slipped my mind. After I chanted, I thought a bit about my slip-up. I realize I am, in general, a person who is diligent in upholding my commitments, this is…
I opened up a message this morning and saw a quote from LP Thoon. It said, “Once your parents’ four elements have arisen, their elements are subject to aging, sickness, and death. You have been born from elements subject to death. You have been born from elements subject to impermanence. The entirety of your elements must be subject to the impermanence your parents were subject to. However your parents are, that is how you are. If your parents cannot cling to…
The other day I was sitting in French class, the other students’ sniffles making me shift in discomfort. I don’t want to get sick. I got home and reflected on how often I am uncomfortable, afraid of illness these days. Sure, I go about my daily life, but always with caution, always with the fear in the back of my head that someone around me is going to give me a disease. I eat in restaurants, but rush my meals…
I was tossing and turning in bed, half asleep and half awake. Worrying. I want Eric and I to start building the Miami place, I want a real home, that we own, to call our own. I want a permanent place, where I imagine my future, so I can feel safe. Eric rather wait to start building, he wants to be sure all the final payments from his former employer come-in as expected. He doesn’t see the threats I do…
I was at an event and there was a guy there who was coughing- sneezing- looking like hell- clearly sick. I was angry of course. I am thinking, “I hate him, I think he should burn in hell for knowingly exposing everyone around him to illness, just to go out and do something fun.” But even as I silently cursed this stranger, I turned my critical eye inwards and, of course, realized I have done the same thing… It weighs…
The other night Eric and I had another serious conversation, the upshot of which was I have not been being a good partner. He said something that really stung me, he asked if I was always so rough on him? Had he only now started to notice that he has more time not working? He gave a simple example and as soon as I heard it, I saw he was right, I had been being rough on him: The example is we…
The other night, I was having dinner with a dharma friend and she made a comment that really struck me, she said that trying to control is just atta. Intuitively, I felt like she was correct, but I decided to really consider her point, see if I could find examples, to better support and understand it. A few days later, the electrician came to my house to do a little work and left a mess in his wake. He destroyed…
A few months back I had sat-in on a zoom class at the Wat. The class was shown a cute little animation film that you can see here and then asked to contemplate on it. Mae Neecha shared a technique, an approach to identifying a core issue in a story, that she had been using recently. She advised you could strip out a lot of the details of a story, of our emotions and reactions to that story, and try…
I finally rescheduled my visit down to see My uncle in New York. As I waited in line to cross the border from Canada into NY, I started thinking: This line, with all these fences and guards, it’s an arbitrary line, a conventionally agreed upon demarcation that makes one side America and one side Canada. Of course, those lines weren’t always there, once the land was open, roamed by people and animals that migrated place to place. It won’t always…
For weeks I had planned a trip to drive down to visit my uncle at his cabin near Lake George. With Covid, I had locked down so tightly, refused to travel, I had missed seeing so many family and friends. This was my favorite uncle, and I delighted in the idea that, after so many years, we could reconnect. Then, the fires in Quebec broke-out, air quality all the way from upstate NY to Manhattan was in the red, with…
When Eric and I decided to move down to Miami to be closer to my family, he made me promise one thing – we would buy a vacation home, someplace cooler, for the summers. Miami summers can hit 100 degrees most days, they are admittedly brutal. Just before we left Connecticut, Eric and I took a road trip up to Montreal. We both loved it and decided it was the perfect place to buy a vacation home. I started doing…
I had a dream I was fired from my job. At first, I didn’t quite realize I had been fired, I thought I was just retiring, like it had been my idea all along to go. But when I got to my goodbye party, the comments from colleagues made me suspect that maybe my leaving wasn’t quite solely my idea after all; many folks seemed delighted to see me go. I asked my boss directly if I been fired and…
When a friend at the temple reached-out to me to ask if I was going to attend the 2023 retreat, I said yes. Even as I was typing my reply to her, I was already thinking about my preparations, buying the tickets, what to pack, what it would feel like to see all my temple friends again after a Covid-filled-world had kept me away for so long…. And then, I caught Covid. Even as I sat at home, bored in…
Story 2) In a class, Mae Neecha told a story from when she was on swim team. She was the best swimmer on the team, so when it was time to vote for a captain she was certain she would be elected. But in the end, the other teammates chose a girl who was more popular, albeit a worse swimmer. As I considered her story, it was very clear that if being captain were really about her, then there is…
A note from present day Alana: Back in April 2023, a notion was just beginning to take shape in my mind: That which is conditional can’t be about me, it can’t be who I am. At that time, the concept was pretty blurry, and the contemplations, frankly, half baked. But –spoiler alert – over the last few years, this idea has become central to my contemplations on Anatta. Now, whenever I ask myself the core questions: Why is this situation…
I have been watching the show The Walking Dead. For those of you who have not seen it, it is a zombie apocalypse show: The premise is simple, if you get bitten by a zombie, you turn into a zombie. The show follows the humans who are still left, as they try to navigate a world with more and more Zombie (and fellow human) perils. This whole season has followed a main plot point: Sofia, one of the children of…
Eric and I stayed in a hotel that, despite a high price point, and a luxury brand, was truly a dump. Throughout my stay, I reflected on the business practices that I observed that clearly led to such crappy customer service, crappy maintenance, crappy follow-through on promises made. The cause and effect was so clear. I didn’t particularly enjoy the stay, but when I considered the property and the guest experience as a whole, I didn’t really take it personally,…
