I had started watching the HBO vampire show True Blood again. The main character, Sookie, falls hard for the very first vampire she meets, Bill. Why? Because she is a telepath, she can read other humans’ thoughts, but not vampires’. When she meets human guys, she can hear their disrespectful thoughts, their carnal desires. Her telepathy confirms that all of these men’s interest in her is just about fulfilling their desires; their desire isn’t really about her, she is an object, debased, not special.

But with Bill, there is silence, and in that silence, her imagination can work to create a fantasy not immediately dashed by the evidence provided to her by her telepathy.  Just for the chance at romance, at a future she imagines, she leaps at him.

But, in fact, he tells her as clearly as the men, whose thoughts she can read, who he really is, what a future with him will be like: In just the first few episodes we see Bill needlessly humiliate a police officer right in front of her. His hooligan friends terrorize Sookie’s boss and place of work. Bill even goes off and kills her ancient, crippled, uncle who had imagined abusing Sookie as a child (he didn’t even do it, she just read his thoughts), even though the old man was clearly no danger in the present.

It really strikes me that this is the power of imagination: We can convince ourselves that we don’t really know who Bill is, what the world is, what the future holds. Even though, we really do know. It’s just with imagination we can selectively block-out the evidence, it fuels our hope.  

I think about this a lot, cases where it is clear I/character would have done something different if only we had known… There is the main character on Pose, she gets AIDS after one time having unsafe sex. She just wanted to feel loved and accepted, this guy did that, so she forewent a condom. Clearly not worth it. Had she known she wouldn’t have; but the risk was there clearly, especially at that moment, in that community, at that time. Still she imagined something otherwise, lulled by the fulfillment of her desire she ignored what she knew.

I think of my enjoyment of drinking; if I knew for sure it would cause health issues, mental clarity issues, I wouldn’t do it. It’s the chance, the possibility, even in the face of risk that it turns out ok that makes it something I do. I felt the same when I used to smoke. When I used to use people sexually to boost my ego, for my sense of fun, and pretend it wouldn’t cause them (and ultimately me) suffering. I do these things because of my desire, and the imagined hope I will somehow escape the most dreadful of consequences. If I KNEW knew…  

Or, another biggie for me: Duration. I marvel at why vampires would fall in love with humans, who age and die in a blink of a vampire life, when over and over they are kicked in the teeth loosing their beloved. One human, the next, the next, the next, 300 vampire years, dozens of human lovers loved and lost. How does the suffering not add-up to enough already? It feels stupid to me, to accept the sorrow of loss for so little duration.

At this moment in True Bloods, Sookie heard the news Bill may have died in a house fire. Of course, I know, having seen the show before, he did not. Still, I put myself in her shoes and I think, for just a few episodes, the pain of losing a new love, not worth it. But what about 8 seasons, a human lifetime, at least a few decades? Sure Bill is a constant danger. Sure, they are on again, off again, in a continual emotional roller coaster. Sure she watches him die in the end. Still, I foolishly think, maybe worth it? Its a long time…

Maybe Eric and I will have a full life together, maybe for all the ups and downs, worth it?

In her autobiography, Mae Neecha’s recalls her past lives, one short description hits me so hard. She was a swan and had the ‘gut punch’ of seeing her swan mate die. I read that short line and I felt that gut punch myself, I started crying. Eric, my sweet swan mate. Everywhere, always, together. Till were not, till I watch him die, or I die leaving him. But that’s the point of the recall –it’s a flash relationship amongst so many many rebirths. A vampire with their endless human loves. Is it worth it? I know how this ends, I see the evidence all around me – loss, death. Still, I imagine something different, enough time to make it worth it, I find hope in not KNOWING knowing, even though, don’t I?