Ever since I caught covid, my long-time health problems have gotten worse. After exams, and extensive appointments with specialists, I was finally diagnosed with an immune disorder –Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. It is an illness mediated by allergic pathways in the body; in short, my body overreacts to low levels of toxins in my environment. Even short exposures to everyday substances like mold, smoke, cleaning products and fragrance can trigger my immune system to ‘protect me’  with the release of chemicals that cause symptoms from eye issues to breathing problems, chest pain to vertigo.

I was talking to Mae Neecha about my illness and she said that we are all just heir to our karma. She talked about her own health, mentioning that she has hives a lot. She knows she is the kind of person who secretly curses others, with a common curse wishing for others discomfort, or having their skin crawl. To her it is no surprise that now her own skin crawls. She talked about Mae Yo too; she is the kind of person who doesn’t silently curse, she is more direct ‘bonk on the head’, she has the kind of personality –and the ensuing behaviors – that explain the terrible car accident she suffered.

I thought more about my own disease. My body ‘thinks’ it is protecting me against bad stuff in the environment, but it’s made me too sensitive, it has made me sick. I realize that, in this one lifetime I can think of example I have done this same thing to others…

I once adopted a stray cat that came to my door regularly looking for food I took her in, I brought her to the veterinarian, and I learned she was diabetic. Needing shots, special food, I forced this outdoor cat to be an indoor cat, for her protection of course. That cat would cry at the door to get out, but I self-righteously kept her safely locked away, ignoring her unhappiness as I stoked my ego with stories of compassionate-alana-the-cat-rescuer.  

Not long after the cat died, never having the pleasure to go outside again. Now of course, I regret my behavior. I see the wrong view, the self-identity I was so determined to bolster that I did not care that the cost was another being’s suffering. But, this is so my personality…

This tendency of mine appears in the story that launched my practice: Homeless Alana. I was so fixated on being compassionate that I didn’t ever stop to consider that the homeless man I regularly hugged and gave food to may not want my hugs, may have not wanted my attentions at all. I assumed because I would want to be treated a certain way if I were homeless, I should treat him the same way.  In my mind, my behaviors protected him, not just with physical food, but protected his dignity; but again, for my own ego and self-aggrandizement, I gave someone what I thought they needed/wanted without ever actually considering them.

In fact this is a deep and troubling pattern has created ongoing stress in my marriage.  Over and over, I try to be a good wife to Eric by acting in ways I think protect him, that I think benefit him, despite Eric telling me this is not what he wants, despite the fact that I hurt him with these behaviors. The examples are too many to innumerate here, but one biggie comes to mind…

Back when we moved to NY I was so depressed, angry, miserable and melt-downy, I thought Eric would be better off without me. I didn’t want him to have to sacrifice his career by leaving NY with me, but I also didn’t want him to continue to be exposed to toxic NY Alana. To protect him from both fates, I offered to leave him. To go back to San Fran alone. In my mind, I did this out of love. In reality, Eric felt abandoned and devastated. Though our relationship has ‘moved past’ this point, I know it still haunts both us, and him. It is one of the moments I most deeply regret in my life.

Snowflakes have long been a powerful ubai in my practice. When I consider this illness, I see that, sickness is universal, a necessary result of any birth. It is just like the fact that rain that hits 32 degrees will turn to snow, it is the result of the nature of water and the freezing temperature. But, like a particularly shaped snowflake, the specific shapes of each person’s disease is unique. I am clearly suffering a disease of my karma.