Once again, I was out and about, and a handful of folks were breaking the law and not masking indoors. I get so frustrated with folks not wearing masks. I get so angry. It’s not just because they put me in covid danger, its not just because they break the rules, a big part of my rage stems from the fact that, in my mind, these folks are just so damn inconsiderate! In my mind, they don’t care about the…
The other night, in a dream I had of myself as a teenager, I became lucid, suddenly aware enough to realize I was ‘modern day Alana’ in my old teenage body. In the dream, Alex — my high school boyfriend — and I were fighting, he said he felt smothered, like the relationship had moved too fast, he wanted to break-up. I was clinging, devastated by the end of the relationship. When today Alana took over the scene though, I…
I opened the news today and read that the CDC is not likely to approve boosters for the general public in September. Rage began to surge in my heart. I am furious! In my mind, over and over throughout this pandemic, the government has failed to keep peeps safe, to keep me safe. The CDC has lied, covered up information, been too slow to adapt and to act. And their ineptitude, it effect real people. It effects ME, my life….
I was making some plans for a day trip, doing the research, the leg work, the planning, all the while imagining what a fun time I would have. Just as I caught myself looking forward to my trip, I realized that all the ‘looking forward to’ things that I do, all the effort I put into making them happen, relies on a pretty faulty assumption: That what I imagined will happen is what will actually happen. That the world will look…
I caught myself sitting around and daydreaming; thinking of all the places Eric and I had traveled, back before covid, when we used to travel, thinking of all the places maybe we might be able to go again if its ever safe enough to get on a plane… I have all these memories of vacations, a collection of recollections of moments I had planned, experienced, fixated-on and identified with in the past. Over and over, I seek to arrange and…
I was listening to LP Anan teaching and in a class he called out a fellow practitioner who continually has trouble with her mother-in-law. Specifically, she is jealous of the attention and financial support her husband bestows on his mother. LP asked her –if your husband were to leave you, but leave behind millions of dollars, how sad would you really be? She admitted upset, but that the money would certainly temper the emotion. LP called out the issue with…
As part of my efforts to stave-off an autoimmune disease, my rheumatologist had recommended a regular program of 5 day fasts to help renew and regenerate immune system function. The fasts allow for a small amount of pre-allocated food – around 600 calories a day of bars and powdered soup – enough to make unsupervised fasting safe, but certainly not enough to feel close to full. On a recent fast, I woke up on day 4, out of 5, and…
Many of you Dear Readers have perhaps already read my big ‘ah-ha moment’ blogs on everything is dukkha. These were so powerful and poignant, that I skipped ahead and published them real time. But, of course, there is a back story, a progression, a series of contemplations that brought me to that big ah-ha moment and in this next chapter of my blog I will share the trail of thoughts that got me there. During my long lockdown, I had been reading…
The other day, I went to pilates class, and the front desk guy wasn’t wearing a mask; I got so angry at him for endangering me, everyone else – “wear a fucking mask” I thought, “it’s the fucking law!” Later, thinking about the situation again, a question popped into my head, if everyone were already masking, would there even need to be a law? There are only laws when folks are already doing, or not doing, the thing forbidden or…
My mom called, she was feeling depressed and had started wondering what she had done in her life to have value, feeling regretful that in her old age, she has found she hasn’t done enough. I tried to console her, reminding her she had raised kids, had students, been a part of her community, etc. But she said that wasn’t enough, she felt like she needed to do something more for other people, for the world, for society. It occurred…
During Covid, with time on my hands and my dhamma practice in high gear, I had begun (and still continue) a daily chanting practice. Sometimes, I just rush through, phone it in, chant for the sake of chanting simply because I have taken it upon myself as something I will do. Other times though, something I chant/read will really hit me and I will go down the rabbit hole of contemplating on a single line, even a single word, until…
MN: This makes you think about how it could turn out if people we’ve wronged controlled how we were punished for those wrongs. Keep going until their revenge is satisfied. https://youtu.be/_flYlbBpSok AD: Ugh, that is disturbing. I need to think on it more, but the thing that really jumps out at me is how scary vengeance can be if we allow it to run unfettered. We already know what becomes of the murdered in this story, but my other fear…
Around June 2021, Mae Neecha, on the tale of our karma conversations, had reached out again to share a few videos for contemplation. In the next 2 blogs I want to share a few highlights – though, in the interest of brevity, not the complete record – of that conversation, particularly in light of Mae Neecha’s insights about the delusions of specialness and differences that give rise to rebirth. AD: I just started watching Loki, one of the Marvel spinoff…
I was left a small inheritance from my grandma. Unhesitatingly, I gave it away to a cousin – one of my grandma’s other grandchildren – that was in school and really needed the money far more than I did. It got me thinking, why the money was something I wasn’t at all greedy for when I am greedy for so many other things. I realized I never really thought of the inheritance as mine. I never imagined a future with…
This body is not my own. If it were mine it wouldn’t be showing such intense signs of aging and wear after just 41 years. My skin wouldn’t be covered in brown and red spots. My hip joint and toe joint and knees wouldn’t be worn and hard to use. If this body were actually my own it would reflect my idea of who I am –pretty and fit and buttoned up and in control ( if not of everything…
Like the Underwear, the Lady parts are not mine. My Lady Parts are not my own. If they were they would never become filthy or smelly, uncomfortably moist, sweaty, itchy or infected. If my lady bits were my own they would stay fresh and clean all the time. They would stay healthy and disease free. But alas, no matter how many times I shower, all it takes is a few hours before my lady parts become stinky again. No matter…
This Underwear is not Mine My underwear are not my own. If they were, they would never become filthy, smelly, moist and soiled. If my underwear were my own they would stay fresh and clean at all times. But alas, no matter how many times I wash the underwear, all it takes is a few hours of wear before they become filthy all over again. My underwear is not mine, if it was, it would be under my control. In fact…
The sunscreen I diligently use, depend on every day isn’t mine — it is something I use to protect myself, but it is also leeching chemicals that can harm me through my skin. My blood isn’t mine, it is supposed to protect me, nourish my tissues and organs, but it also carries lipids to my heart and clogs my arteries. Is something that acts against me –threatens my life, mine? My skin cream is not mine. It is a consumable…
My skin is not my own. If it were mine it would go unchanged, hold tight to the form I adore, it wouldn’t crinkle or wrinkle or sag with ease. But in truth my skin has already shown the tell tale signs of ware, it has age spots, wrinkles , lines and sags. Despite all my lotions and potions and exercises and machines, the skin has assumed a shape I so not adore. All it took was excess heat, excess facial…
