The following is an email exchange with Mae Neecha on some of the details of my samutti contemplations. It is very long, so I will be breaking it up into a few entries for ease of reading. Seemingly out of nowhere, Eric started peeing blood. Unexplained blood in the urine is cancer till proven otherwise (though in his case also very likely kidney stones given his history of them), we are waiting for all the tests and labs to get…
Thinking further on bubbles and anatta… I realized that with physical objects, I want to affix things — make them still — hold them in a state I like, with characteristics that I like. But what is true of simple stuff, houses and cars and even faces, is true of what is more complex too, like mothers. The mechanics are the same. I create a concept — of something narrow and fixed — and I expect the world will oblige my supposition. …
Dear Reader: The following post draws upon an old ubai, a bubble (like a kid’s bubble or a soap bubble), which had been a critical tool for my contemplations on physical form, samutti (supposed form or conventional form), and annatta (no self/ or the nature of everything in this world that aggregates to become disaggregated/ or the un-clumping of what seemed, or was temporarily, clumped) for years prior to the present contemplation. As a reminder, an Ubai is a tool, an…
In October 2021, Mae Neecha sent me a draft of LP Thoon’s Autobiography, that she had been working on, for my help with some editing. My reading of the Autobiography ultimatly spured me to do a deep dive exploration of Dukkha. But before that, it stirred-up, and casued me to revisit, a number of old contemplations, particularly on the topic of samutti – supposed form. Below are some of my initial thoughts on sumutti, which I shared with Mae Neecha….
Recently, I had been having a Line conversation with a Dharma Friend. She asked for some practice advice and I kept emphasizing to her how critical it is to identify our wrong views. This is, after all the heart of practice, but it is also something I see my friend struggle to do time and again. I get the struggle, frankly, its easy to get caught up just analyzing a story or a situation, while missing the wrong view. I…
It is now early 2024 and Eric and I have spent the last few months doing some extensive traveling. As I write these blog on my old snowflake ubai, I can’t help but see new evidence of the sameness of snow all around me. Here, I want to again break with the orderly chronology of the blog and share a few of my current thoughts on that old ubai — there is no such thing as a special snowflake, snow…
Lately, I have been super stressed about going to get a Covid booster shot; I don’t technically fall under the immune compromised category of folks currently eligible, but in light of the autoimmune blood markers I have, I worry I am at increased risk of bad Covid outcomes. When I spoke to my doctor, he agreed, and thought a booster was a good idea. Still, I feel bad going to take one, like I shouldn’t do it because not everyone is eligible, and technically, under…
But wait….there is more… How I use details like those little horse blinders — zooming me in, myopic in sight, fixated on moving forward in the world. Lately I have been considering another problem of my details-fixated view: It keeps me myopic, zoomed-in, constantly engaged with/dazzled by what is right in front of me. Last week — as Eric and I were talking about if we have enough money for him to retire soon (again) — I was considering a…
In fall 2021, I had been digging deeper on an old Ubai: The special snowflake. Below is a synopsis of my thoughts on this topic that I shared with Mae Neecha. As it is a fairly long synopsis, I will divide this into several entries. Before now, I saw clearly that when I consider the fact that each snowflake is special and unique in small ways, I miss the greater commonality — that all flakes arise when water reaches a…
Recently I thought back to my days as a Candy Crush addict. For over a year, I played in much of my free time. I wasn’t just good, I was great. I grew-up playing puzzle games as a kid and with Candy Crush, I felt like a natural. Of course, lots of bucks that I could spend on extra lives, 99 cents at a time, helped as well. In time, I reached level 900+ and then, suddenly, I grew bored….
Once again, I was out and about, and a handful of folks were breaking the law and not masking indoors. I get so frustrated with folks not wearing masks. I get so angry. It’s not just because they put me in covid danger, its not just because they break the rules, a big part of my rage stems from the fact that, in my mind, these folks are just so damn inconsiderate! In my mind, they don’t care about the…
The other night, in a dream I had of myself as a teenager, I became lucid, suddenly aware enough to realize I was ‘modern day Alana’ in my old teenage body. In the dream, Alex — my high school boyfriend — and I were fighting, he said he felt smothered, like the relationship had moved too fast, he wanted to break-up. I was clinging, devastated by the end of the relationship. When today Alana took over the scene though, I…
I opened the news today and read that the CDC is not likely to approve boosters for the general public in September. Rage began to surge in my heart. I am furious! In my mind, over and over throughout this pandemic, the government has failed to keep peeps safe, to keep me safe. The CDC has lied, covered up information, been too slow to adapt and to act. And their ineptitude, it effect real people. It effects ME, my life….
I was making some plans for a day trip, doing the research, the leg work, the planning, all the while imagining what a fun time I would have. Just as I caught myself looking forward to my trip, I realized that all the ‘looking forward to’ things that I do, all the effort I put into making them happen, relies on a pretty faulty assumption: That what I imagined will happen is what will actually happen. That the world will look…
I caught myself sitting around and daydreaming; thinking of all the places Eric and I had traveled, back before covid, when we used to travel, thinking of all the places maybe we might be able to go again if its ever safe enough to get on a plane… I have all these memories of vacations, a collection of recollections of moments I had planned, experienced, fixated-on and identified with in the past. Over and over, I seek to arrange and…
I was listening to LP Anan teaching and in a class he called out a fellow practitioner who continually has trouble with her mother-in-law. Specifically, she is jealous of the attention and financial support her husband bestows on his mother. LP asked her –if your husband were to leave you, but leave behind millions of dollars, how sad would you really be? She admitted upset, but that the money would certainly temper the emotion. LP called out the issue with…
As part of my efforts to stave-off an autoimmune disease, my rheumatologist had recommended a regular program of 5 day fasts to help renew and regenerate immune system function. The fasts allow for a small amount of pre-allocated food – around 600 calories a day of bars and powdered soup – enough to make unsupervised fasting safe, but certainly not enough to feel close to full. On a recent fast, I woke up on day 4, out of 5, and…
Many of you Dear Readers have perhaps already read my big ‘ah-ha moment’ blogs on everything is dukkha. These were so powerful and poignant, that I skipped ahead and published them real time. But, of course, there is a back story, a progression, a series of contemplations that brought me to that big ah-ha moment and in this next chapter of my blog I will share the trail of thoughts that got me there. During my long lockdown, I had been reading…
The other day, I went to pilates class, and the front desk guy wasn’t wearing a mask; I got so angry at him for endangering me, everyone else – “wear a fucking mask” I thought, “it’s the fucking law!” Later, thinking about the situation again, a question popped into my head, if everyone were already masking, would there even need to be a law? There are only laws when folks are already doing, or not doing, the thing forbidden or…
