I was sitting on the bathroom floor of my Manhattan loft, engaging in a-now-typical-ritual — crying my eyes out. I was miserable. I was so depressed. Above all else, I felt lost and trapped. The circumstances were this: Eric and I were in debt for a house we hated. He had a 2 year contract at work that, if broken, would require a significant sum to pay back our relocation expenses. Besides, Eric worried about his career, his resume, and…
I was out for a walk and I saw a swirl of leaves blowing around in the wind. I decided to try to use it as an Ubai, a metaphor for my own confused and upended life. I closed my eyes and began to imagine my own objects, details of places and people, from my Cali and NY life, swirling around me. All out of my control, moved by forces beyond myself. Suddenly, I opened my eyes and realized I…
And … because sometimes suffering and delusion just don’t end overnight … a second pestering email, written several weeks after the first, to Neecha, and her skillful response. Alana’s Second Email to Neecha Hey Neecha — I hope you and Mae Yo are both well. I’m writing to whine again… sorry. The problem is, at least, slightly different this time (no actually I’m kidding, its totally the same, but I’ll get there)… I have been waiting and watching change. And, sure enough,…
After about 2 month down in the dumps I finally decided to reach out to Neecha for some advice on how to deal with the extreme stress and sorrow of my new New York life. When I think back on it, I realize that her advice was some of the best anyone has ever given me. SPOILER ALERT –Impermanence, impermanence, impermanence, death, death, death. Its funny because now, almost 3 years later, I see my hatred of New York fading…
I went to a family reunion in upstate New York and my aunt pulled-out her old photo albums. She handed me a pic of three teenage boys standing in a row and asked, “do you know who that one in the middle is?” I took a few wild guesses before she told me it was my dad. Shocked, I grabbed the picture for a closer look; I was so close to my dad, I loved him so much, I thought I would…
I was sitting on an airplane, and for 2 hours, the woman sitting next to me only interrupted her near-continuous coughing fits to take the occasional sneeze break –the woman was clearly sick as a dog. Everyone gets sick, I get it, but this woman refused to cover her mouth/nose when she coughed and sneezed, she was spewing her disease all over me and everyone else around. I was friggin furious. Doesn’t she know you are supposed to cover your mouth…
…Interruption in our regulatory scheduled program: I know, I know, Dear Reader, you have gottta be thinking I am the worst, most scatter-brained narrator ever. I just got back to the program, and here I am with yet anoooottthhhheeeer interruption. Ugh, I know, but I promise its just a short reflection. One and Done… The other day, a friend (who incidentally is Buddhist-curious, but not a practicing Buddhist), asked me what my musings were during these crazy Covid times. When…
With the boxes all put away and the final design elements being put on our new home I remembered an old plant that I used to have that would have looked nice in the house, it was an orchid. An orchid that had thrived so well in a sunny spot on my desk and then died, quite quickly, when it had shifted just a few inches to the left, out of the direct sun. Suddenly it hit me, one of…
This a continuation of the last blog. If you haven’t read previously then please go back and read ‘Interruption Part 16’. My Dear Reader, I thank you for bearing with me on this looooonnnggg interruption in our regularly scheduled program (an orderlyish, linearish blog tracing my meandering dhamma path), this will be the last posting in our Post-Retreat Interruption Series. It is simply a brief reflection of what I have come to understand my path to be. A long time…
This a continuation of the last blog. If you haven’t read previously then please go back and read ‘Interruption Part 15’. In this blog, I will begin just after the last blog left off and end with a much more recent contemplation, from 6 months later, when I circled back to the topic of meaning in rupa and found a new depth and clarity. If you recall, in the last blog I came to realize a big mistake: All this…
This a continuation of the last blog. If you haven’t read previously then please go back and read ‘Interruption Part 14’. As a recap: My contemplations had landed me in another ‘stuck spot.’ Namely, I had come to recognize that every arrangement of rupa contains only 4 elements. But, somehow, I still believed that there was a deeper meaning — loved/just/fair/safe/etc. — reflected by rupa. Moreover, it seemed like rupa could portends the future, if only I could ‘interpret’ it…
In the wake of my cake baking contemplation and seeing the extreme limits on my control/tendency to use rupa arrangements to define who I am, I had gone to get my nails done. About a week later, looking down at them, I caught myself feeling surprised that the polish had started chipping so soon. At lightning speed, I caught myself thinking, “I have been being so careful with them.” Then it hit me– it’s not about me. My actions are…
After all of my contemplations I was beginning to see that there was nothing innately special in my objects or my body. Just varying, shifting arrangements of 4 elements. I knew I was not my arrangements, and yet, I couldn’t shake the belief that those arrangements, and my ability to bring them about, must prove something about ME. Alana the great arranger! I knew I had a huge wrong view remaining – that because I am a partial cause for…
This blog is a direct continuation on the previous blog, “Interruption Part 11: A Major Breakthrough Part 1”. If you have not read that blog yet please go ahead and read it first before you continue on with this one. Does rupa do what I think/ want/imagine in an absolute sense or in relation to myself? Is a quality fixed/innate in myself — Again I started thinking about beauty. I realized that if my 20 year old self saw my 40 year…
After Several weeks of chewing on all the insights I had gained during and after my line Chats with Mae Neecha, I felt finally ready to send a synthesis of my thoughts and understandings to Mae Neecha and Mae Yo. Below is the email I sent. I have divided it into two parts/ blogs as it is quite long. Hey Mae Neecha — I sure do hope this email finds you well. It has been a few weeks, so I just…
Several weeks after I had closed-out my exchange with Mae Neecha I went back to review our Line chat and see if I could squeeze any more wisdom juice out of it. I saw the following exchange: A: I still think I can use my cute yellow purse to convince people of my awesomeness even if I don’t really control the bag itself. Actually, I think I can convince some people some of the time. But that is enough… MN: If its…
A Post ‘Course Correction’ Plan for Further Progress A: I think I have a plan for right now: 1) look for evidence that shit doesn’t turn out like I expect and see both sides/full picture more clearly ( example: the restaurant we are on last night had good food, but the seat cushions were all stained and it disgusted me). 2) look specifically at my belongings. What are their nature (4e) where do they come from, go, how do we…
This blog is a direct continuation of the 6th, so if you haven’t covered it yet, please head back there to read that one first. In that blog we explored how rupa forms the foundation for concepts like love, hate, goodness, cleanliness, etc. We left off with a simple question I had for Mae Neecha: What is the rest of the story? Here we will recap a bit and then launch into ‘the rest of the story’, which really amounts…
So, a little warning Dear Readers: This next blog is a bit our of order. It is a continuation of the Part 5 blog and will start out exactly like that blog and then go in a completely separate direction. So, if a few sentences in you have that creeping deja vu feeling, please press-on my friends. “How can this be?” you may be asking… “I thought you were trying to give a blow-by-blow as close to real action report…
