Dear Reader, the next few blogs are reduxes — blogs which originally ‘aired’ back in fall 2018 which I am  put it into chronological sequence. I hope these reduxes, in their original context, provide additional insight. I was recently in Boston and took a guided tour of the Black Heritage Trail, a path that links more than 15 pre-Civil War sites important in African-American history; the stories of American abolitionists (folks who fought for the elimination of slavery) were a central theme…

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My friend was antsy to travel, but after asking everyone in our social circle, she couldn’t find anyone who would agree to be her travel partner. Finally, she asked me. She expressed her longing to see the world, and her disappointment that since her divorce, she had no one to join her.  She told me of her deep desire to spend time with me, to feel connected. She was so earnest, so desperate — I didn’t want to go, I…

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  A note on timing: The next few blogs are from contemplations that took place during the 2018 Vassa Period. In other words, they are interspersed in time with the ‘fact finding’ activities posted in the previous blog section. In a few, you can clearly see the influence of my ongoing activities exploring impermanence, control and my sense of specialness. Yesterday a friend told me that a mutual acquaintance of ours, Jill, had at long last found a job after…

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Dear Reader, below I have shared Mae Neecha’s reply and suggestions to my email to her about my contemplations form the 2018 retreat. If you have not already done so, please go back and read the last 2 blog entries that share my original email to her. This is great progress, really sharp observations about causality. Overall, your plan seems to be on track. If there was only one thing I could recommend, it would be to focus your energies…

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Dear Reader, this blog is a direct continuation of the previous, if you have not already done so please go back and read Part 1. Where I am planning to go/have already begun going from here: That all basically covers the contours of the great retreat contemplation. I was talking to LP Nut about some of this and he offered a suggestion. He said, I should see there are many mes in my mind, skillful and unskillful and I needed…

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Dear Reader, here we have the contents of an email I sent to Mae Neecha rehashing my contemplations during, and just following, the 2018 retreat. This is looooonnnggggg, and made longer by a rather generously portioned ‘later day note’, so I will divide it into 2 blogs. A little background: LP Anan was telling stories about the Buddha’s wife and before he really got started he said something that set me off – Siddhartha abandoned his family just after the…

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 Taking a break from the hot springs, we decided to head over to our favorite restaurant in town to grab some lunch — Ukiah Gardens, here we come!!! Eric and I have been coming to the hot springs in Ukiah for years. We have a routine, a favorite cabin we always stay in, a favorite coffee place, a few shops downtown that we like to stop into and — above all else — Ukiah Gardens. Everything there is done with…

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I was at my favorite hot springs, lounging in one of the bathtubs, warm water and blissful serenity washing over me. Then suddenly, I heard the roaring sound of a jackhammer in the not distant enough distance — goddamn construction totally fucking with my chi . So annoying!!! Out of nowhere, it hit me — if I actually controlled my body, I wouldn’t hear the noise. I could just shut it off at my ears, or in my head. If…

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As I was listening to NPR podcasts,  a story teaser came on about a woman who was sexually assaulted and her journey navigating the justice system to bring her attacker to trial. I was interested, so I clicked the button to ‘hear the full story now’.  The woman’s story began with a night she was drunk and decided to try and buy drugs from a stranger. She went for a ride in  his car to go and pickup the drugs and…

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This contemplation is one of the first times I really considered the cost and suffering of building wealth. It is not that I didn’t understand that money, like everything else, has two sides previously, I did. But this was the first time I viscerally understood that a dominant pattern in Eric and my life — sacrificing now to create savings that would bring us future happiness — might actually be delusional on many levels. First off, there is no guarantee…

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Having recently signed a 1 year-long contract to consult with my old company, I got to thinking how strange it is to have a deadline to my commitment. For 9 years, I had worked at the same company as a regular employee, but somehow, now, having a time-specified contract, felt different. It got me to start considering how fixed my view of commitment is in general.  I mean sure, I had left jobs, ended assignments and called off relationships in…

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As I sat on the floor of my Manhattan flat, the same thought kept circling in my brain “I’m stuck. I hate my life, I regret having come to this place, I am suffering here and now. How is this not enough to convince me of the suffering in this world? How is this not enough to motivate me to let go of my clinging?” The answer is simple, hope is fucking me. I keep hoping I can somehow get back…

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Back when I was a teenager, I refused to wear control top pantyhose when I had to go to an event, I felt like sporting the slimming-squishing-tummy-effect was fraudulent somehow. It was a cheat, not my body. I felt like because the effect was temporary, I shouldn’t try and pass it off as mine. That is the first time I can clearly remember the use of ‘the formula’ in my life: temporary = not mine. Fast-forward 30ish years: I was…

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Eleven months after my ill fated move to New York, a few months after opening my own consulting business, I got a call: My successor at my old company had up and left, my old boss wanted to know if I could help fill in for a little while until they found someone else. I loved my old job and all the folks I worked with, I need new clients for my new business anyway, so I said, yes. I committed…

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