I was starting to feel like, “oh, I totally get this karma thing”, It’s something I create through my thoughts (you can read the last blog post). Then, Mae Yo comes out with a Youtube Q and A — Karmic Creditor — and I feel like “oh shit, I am totally karma screwed”. The video was about the power our karmic creditors can have over us and it made me realize I better contemplate a bit more on how karma can be created by others…

My thoughts on karma as something generated by the intention and interpretation of others: In some ways it seems obvious — something I do, or the perception of something I do, colors another’s response to me and their response creates an impact on me. I see at least 3 subgroups:

1) Actions I knew were going to be a problem when I did them —  example: when I was in high school I tried to steal my bestfriends’ boyfriend. I knew it was a bad idea, that it was going to be hurtful, that there would be fallout, but desire outweighed my concern for consequence. For stuff like this, I feel I at least have a chance to put the brakes-on. I can consider the potential risks and determine if its worth it ahead of time.

2) Stuff I do which, at the time I didn’t foresee to be a problem but which I  later realize can be. This category, which I am grappling a lot with lately, is stuff I used to think was no problem but which now I’m starting to realize is dangerous. Example: I used to have the feeling that relationships with friends and family were relatively disposable. They could be nurturing mutually for a time, but when circumstances changed, they could be gently let go of and everyone would agree that its for the best when the calls or visits just stop. Only recently have I started to see that not everybody would just agree with my view and that there are old friends/family that I have hurt by ‘letting-go’. For some of these, where its appropriate, I have tried to be in contact a bit more and not be so neglectful . For other cases, I think action on my part would make things worse so I have refrained. But contemplation on the topic of my old friendships has shifted the way I create friendships now; it has made me wary. For a while I was pressuring Eric for us to make new couple friends, then I realized all the upkeep and time it would take and I just let go of the idea. This weekend an old friend invited me to go to a party and I thought — ugh, its going to put me in a place where I engage with folks who may want more engagement from me after the party ends, another dinner, a trip, etc. — I rather just avoid planting the seeds so I am getting together with my friend alone, but not going to a party.

Not that I’m avoiding all new friendships..just I am thinking very carefully about who I choose and why, not just to make connections that validate me or make me feel loved for a time (the way I think I used to see friendships). With this example I can see how as my understanding grows I have the opportunity to change my behaviors, or rather my behaviors shift on their own, and can be less dangerous. Still–its a process and I feel like I have already left a battlefield of destruction in my wake.

3) This is the group that scares me the most — stuff that I didn’t think could be a problem at the time and I am still unsure how to avoid. Into this category fall accidents as well as stuff where I did the best with the info I had at the time, but it still turned out badly. Example: at my first job my boss went away on vacation and left me in charge of the gala for a few weeks. Even after he returned the vendors and donors still continued contacting me and my boss was upset because he thought I was trying to take his job. For a while he made stuff very hard for me, micromanaged, etc.  I was doing my best with what I knew and what I believed was my job, but my boss’ perception played into creating a circumstance that had a real negative fallout. I don’t even know how to avoid stuff like this in the future.

So, which is it? Karma is initiated by us, our thoughts and interpretations. Or karma is something initiated by others. Is it both? Neither? What does this mean for me? For my ability to control the karma I create? Time for a little help from my teacher… stay tuned for the next blog where I ask Mae Y specific questions from my karma contemplations and share the answers I got.