Mae Neccha she sees her own personal tendencies –and their perils – clearly. It is what is helping her end her rebirth cycles. So what about me, do I know myself? What are my tendencies that keep propelling me forward?

I am driven by the quest for comfort. Security. It’s so deep that I fell in love with Eric when he said he would take care of me. Over and over, this desire for safety is intertwined with the people, characteristics, and objects I choose to identify with. I am someone always trying to be popular, I think it will get me cared for. I want to be good to ‘prove’ I am worthy of safety. I want to be beautiful, rich, because those are characteristics I believe will give me options, escape routes ,when danger comes knocking.

I had read a true story about a girl who went hiking on White Mountain. A snowstorm came, she struggled to find shelter. She kept pushing on, despite punishing conditions, only to freeze to death just a few feet from the door to a lodge where she would have been safe. I imagine myself as that girl – in every life almost to safety – but of course I die, I lose. Still, I think this time will be different, something I do, someone I meet, some object or characteristic –wealth, popularity, beauty, goodness – is going to get me through that lodge door.

Ever since covid, I have constantly looked over my shoulder, twitching at every sneeze I hear, running from every cough. I suffer fear, anxiety, hypochondria. Why? Because I keep looking for safety in the wrong places. If this pandemic proves nothing else, it proves that this world, that human bodies, are not safe places.  Still, in just one life – with every one of my longevity regimens, fitness fads, obsessive health and safety precautions I struggle for the safety that has so clearly eluded me: Long covid, joint issues, my immune disorder, I am no stranger to the disease I define as danger.

Any why am I so desperate for this body – why is it that my obsession with its safety colors so much of my personality, my deepest desires, drives and behaviors? It is because without this body, my story ends. The alana story ends. And it is this, this story, that I most want to protect. It is after all, MINE, it is who I think I am.

But just like Yennifer’s story, mine will change. Look at how many alana’s I have been in one life, the story has changed endlessly before. This body, that I view as a tool for my preservation, has changed endlessly too. Puberty. Long covid. Aging. This is not a body for preservation – it is a fragile thing that will ensure that the Alana story ends in death.

I have come to an unsafe place to look for safety. I am born into a body that will surely die. I have come to an uncomfortable place looking for comfort. I am born into a body that continually suffers pain. I have taken it upon myself to try and hoard, to get, keep, preserve. But I am born into a world where resources are scarce and get spent.  My belief, my hope, for safety and comfort are exactly what keeps me returning. Ironically, this quest, is exactly what guarantees more rebirths into an unsafe and uncomfortable body and world.