I had a dream I was fired from my job. At first, I didn’t quite realize I had been fired, I thought I was just retiring, like it had been my idea all along to go. But when I got to my goodbye party, the comments from colleagues made me suspect that maybe my leaving wasn’t quite solely my idea after all; many folks seemed delighted to see me go.

I asked my boss directly if I been fired and she said yes. She wanted to keep me, but her boss and several other directors thought I did more harm than good at the organization, they insisted I go. At first, I felt like a victim, I demanded my boss tell me why. After all, I had worked hard, long hours, overtime, I had forgone paychecks when the organization was short on cash. In my mind, I was a hero.

But my boss started sharing reasons, examples of my behavior and I began to see that these did reflect my personality traits. I could see how they could translate into folks not wanting me to stay at the organization. As she spoke, I began to see that even though I had my reasons for my behavior, even though I thought I was doing what was best for the organization, my actions did damage. Maybe I wasn’t the hero of the story after all…

In one example, I had not realized other folks were on the phone when I complained to my boss about them. In my mind, I was trying to make sure my boss had “all the information” to make the best decisions with, sill, I can understand how those colleagues I talked about might be rooting for me to be fired. In another story, I had a project that I was being a bulldog to defend, I was so sure it was right for the organization, but in the process I was angering other employees who did not agree. I was stepping on toes trying to force activity in other departments that aligned with my plan. I did not handle my colleagues’ resistance diplomatically. In a final example, I had been part of an interview panel for a new CEO, and I had harsh criticism for all the candidates. In my mind, I was protecting the organization from a bad hire, but fellow panel members though I was being too critical and I was getting in the way of hiring a new, desperately needed, CEO. I will note that, while examples were in the dream, they do in fact reflect a number of actual situations that were pretty close at my job in real life.

The firing showed that even as I took pride in my job, my role, how good I was at it, other people thought otherwise. When I heard their reasons, saw the very same events and behaviors I had used to imagine my awesomeness, from their perspective, I saw I had fooled myself. I had constructed a story in my mind of Alana the martyr employee, willing to do whatever it takes, bulldoze whoever stood in the way, of doing what was best for the organization. But in the end was what I thought was best really best? Is behavior that erodes a team best for an organization?

In my dream, as I would be in real life, I was devastated by being fired. I worried about the financial repercussions. I criticized myself for having grown complacent in my long tenure, allowing my networks, professional contacts, certifications and skills wither. I wondered about ‘WHO I AM’, without a job I had identified myself with and by for so long. I felt deep discomfort at something that had seemed so steady and stable –my job – coming crashing down and ending.

But most of all, I felt deep shame: I thought I had been an awesome employee, that the way I did my job, with such steadfast commitment to my organization, was a point of pride. Now, facing what I suddenly understood as justified firing, I felt small. If being a good employee can prove how great I am, doesn’t seeing I was actually a bad employee prove how terrible I am? Or maybe, the deeper lesson here is that job doesn’t prove who I am at all…

I had arbitrarily chosen the definition of “good employee” – someone who does what is best for the organization, and I had arbitrarily decided what actions are “best”. And then, I started building up myself –an identity of alana a hero employee – using these arbitrarily chosen traits, and behaviors. I looked at every action and interaction for evidence it fell into my rubric of good employee/what is right for the org behaviors, I remembered those and used them to bolster my sense of self. I conveniently forgot or downgraded all the others.

But this doesn’t really make me a thing does it? Randomly chosen ideas, randomly chosen actions to prove the ideas, carefully curated and interpreted set of stories that I tell myself. As much as an ego pump it is to feel like I am being a good employee, and as much of an ego hit it as it is to suddenly feel like I am bad employee, I am the one making up the rubrics. I am the one identifying this them. This is identity in my mind only.

In truth, I had a role – I worked at an organization doing a job. Each day I performed different tasks, I interacted with different people. I impacted the organization and those people in different ways. Each of my actions had different consequences. Some consequences pleased me – like when I was paid or praised or felt good about myself and the work I did. Some consequences displeased me, like when I got reprimanded or, in the end, fired. But this is not an identity. It is a series of discreate moments that I interpreted as good or bad, success or failure, and ultimately a source of some identity.

Now, being dream-fired, I am no longer affiliated with the organization, and I can no longer use it to define myself by. In truth, if I can’t use it at the end, it was never actually a marker of some fixed identity to begin with.