Recently, I had an old friend reach-out to me, she emailed –knowing I am a practitioner– looking for ‘Buddhisty advice’ on her troubled marriage. I did my best to help her in accordance with the dharma. And in my explaining it to her, in recounting a number of my own old ah-ha moments, I was able to see a few points so much more clearly. Here I will recount a bit of what I wrote her, and then my re-reflections and deeper understandings of the stories I shared: 

First, in the context of suggesting the practical value of trying to fix ourselves –our views, our actions – rather than trying to fix our partners, I shared one of my own early dhamma stories about my relationship with Eric as an example. Here is an excerpt from my email to her: 

“I know in my own relationship, this idea of fixing myself and stopping my effort to fix Eric has been a huge boon. For me, it started with changing a particular view...here is a story: years ago, I had a birthday coming up and I asked Eric to plan a murder mystery party for me It was no big deal --order the game  (it comes in a box) and invite over 8 friends, just 4 couples, to play. I asked him, I pestered him, I begged him, but in the end he didn't do it, I did not get a murder mystery birthday and I was super angry/hurt. Afterall, this was not the first time I asked Eric to do something really important to me, and that he ignored me/failed to do it.
 
I went to talk to my teacher, Mae Yo, about it. She asked me to consider what my wrong views were in the situation --the ideas/thoughts I thought were permanent /absolute/unchanging that lay at the heart of my being so upset about not getting a murder mystery party (FYI: our wrong views are always our beliefs that things are permeant/1 way/ 1 sided/unchanging because the TRUTH of the world is อนิจจัง, anicca, impermanence). I thought on it for a while and I realized a few core permanent beliefs: 
 
•	If Eric doesn't plan a party for me, he doesn't love me. This is permanent. Afterall, it is also totally possible that someone who doesn't plan parties for you still loves you. Or someone who plans parties for you doesn't give a shit about you
•	I believed that because I would plan a party for someone I loved if they wanted one, they/he SHOULD (anytime you think should, look for a permanent thought) be willing to do it for me. In other words, my way is the only way (permanent) what I would do is the rule, it is what everyone should do (permanent).
•	That the way I express love --doing what my beloved asks -- is the only way to express love ( permanent  ) and if someone doesn't express it in my way than they don't feel it (compounded permanence)

The more I thought on it, the more my heart softened and I realized how silly I was being: Eric does all sorts of things to ‘prove’ he loves me: He cooks for me, he supports me financially, he encourages me to learn and grow, he emotionally supports me in pursuing what is important to me, he buys me pretty things, he listens to me and tolerates me, he spends time with me, etc. Because my view was so fixed –do what I ask or you don’t love me –I ignored all the other ‘proof’ of love. I realized then that love didn’t have to be expressed on my terms to be expressed and to exist in Eric’s heart.

 My anger basically ceased as soon as I saw this and my behaviors changed too: I stopped pestering Eric to do all sorts of stuff I had wanted him to do – no more laundry lists, errands, etc. I would ask, if he didn’t get to it, it was fine, because I knew it didn’t say anything about our relationship, or if he loved me or not…” 
 
Now, years later, after sharing this old story with my friend, I see a much deeper element: Eric not doing the party planning was never about me. It was about his priorities, his personality, his beliefs about what actions do and don't prove love. Afterall, if Eric loved me, and he thought it was important to show that love, and he thought planning a party would show that love, then he would have planned the party. And that party would have been planned not because of me, or my wants, but because of him and his wants. 

Or alternatively, he could have planned it just because he knew I wanted, and he believed that doing what I wanted, what I asked would express his love. This was what I had hoped for years ago. But in truth, even this rational for planning -- because I wanted – would still only proven something about him: He values/identifies with/ expresses love to someone by trying to fulfill their wants.  

Over and over I seek validation, reification, from the way other people behave towards me. But in truth, other people’s actions never really prove anything about me. Other people’s actions just prove their views and values