I have been thinking more about being a woman. It is a characteristic, a state, that I identify with deeply. However, if didn’t have a vagina I would struggle to claim the identity of ‘woman’. For me, the meaning I give to a particular body part, vagina, is so strong, its absence would create too much mental discord for me to also claim the identity of woman. Of course, this isn’t some universal truth – many cultures, across history, have…

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Eric and I have been in negotiations to purchase a vacation home in Montreal. Finally, we feel like we are making progress on the two home dream; a winter home in Miami and a summer getaway in Montreal. Only this morning, we got news there might be a glitch in our plan, the deal on the Montreal place looks like it may fall through. We don’t even own the Montreal apartment yet, but already we have built up this dream…

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A while back I went to visit a 6.5 acre sculpture called Opus-40. The artist, Harvey Fite, spent 40 years living and working at the sculpture site, hewing stones from the land, carefully carving them and laying them into a massive, towering labyrinth. It was his life’s work, a reflection of his artistic vision, his sense of himself as an artist. It was also his death: At 72, Harvey, fell into a quarry while trying to haul up more stones…

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LP Thoon’s definition of anatta: “Nothing belongs to us. Everything is meaningless.” Had really stuck with me and I once again turned my attention to trying to prove my items don’t belong to me. I figured the more clearly I could see that, the more clearly I could also answer his question, “meaningless how?”. I got to thinking back to an old contemplation on puberty. I was so disturbed when I hit puberty and my body started changing, I was…

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I was driving from Connecticut to NY to get a laser treatment for my rosacea. The day before I had put the new luggage box on the car roof. Now the car drove sluggishly, lagged, gas mileage was way down. When I got to NY, I couldn’t find parking, the box meant I didn’t fit the overhead clearance in most garages. Clearly there were some serious downsides of the box I bought while imagining all the convenience and extra room it would…

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I was re-listening to a retreat talk on the 3 common conditions and an offhand comment from Mae Neecha really hit me. In response to a student asking which branch of a decision tree she should choose, Mae Neecha replied it wasn’t about choosing, it is knowing that any possible branch ends the same way, happiness or suffering. Which, of course I know, is just code for more or less suffering. She also said that when we suffer it is…

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I was walking around the mall yesterday and I went to the American Girl store to look around. For those of you, Dear Readers, who don’t know what this is, google it. Seriously, it’s amazing, a vast store with nothing but huge, pricey dolls and doll accessories. There is even a salon and make-up counter where your doll can get a makeover. Each doll comes with a book, a story about who they are, and a starter kit of accessories…

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I have been watching the new Star Wars spinoff, Obi Wan. In it, heroes and villains alike use lightsabers, the only difference seems to be which color they glow. It’s classic Hollywood dramatic effect. Throughout the series one of the characters, a hero-turned-villain named Dark Sister, struggles with her decision, with her life choices, with her identity. By the end of the series she decides to abandon her life on the darkside and return the light. In a dramatic moment,…

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A few bits from some sermons from LP Thoon have really struct me lately. The first was in a sermon on how to get to heaven. He basically said you could do good deeds and not get to heaven. Why? Attachment. You cling to things from this life and then you end up reborn with them. If you want to go to heaven, the way to do it is to relinquish attachment. In a second sermon on the 3 common…

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I was watching a show called The Witcher. In it, there is a powerful sorceress, but she is young, untrained, her family doesn’t see her potential and they abuse her, force her to sleep and eat out in the pig pen. One day, another magician sees the girl and recognizes her potential. This magician goes to the girl’s family and offers them a few cents to buy her and take her away. The father accepts the offer. The young sorceress,…

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A while back I had gone to visit a famous home in rural Connecticut called The Glass House. The home tour highlighted not just the architectural elements of the building, but shard the life story of Philip Johnson, the architect who built and lived there. Johnson spent part of his week at the house in Connecticut and part of his week in an apartment he owned in NY City. He always joked to friends that after 3 days at the…

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I am fasting again, day 3, I’m hungry of course, a bit weak. As I made my fast drink — put minimal energy into what I will consume for the day — I did think about how fast periods really are a break from the burden of needing to prepare food, decide what I will eat, planning the day around meals. Eating, as delicious as food is, as much as I enjoy it, is a burden, it is an obligation….

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I was thinking further on how states are annata. About how they are simply a momentary circumstance, a ‘shape’ arising based on causes and conditions. Shifting in accord with causes and conditions as well. But in the moment a state adheres – in the duration between arising and ceasing – the potential for clinging arises. I get attached to states. I get attached to ice cream when it is cold, to this body when it is healthy, to a peach…

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In a video on Anatta, Mae Yo talked about a mango seed, how while it is still a seed it is not yet anatta, but when it is planted and becomes a tree then it is anatta. I was able to follow her description, but something about it troubled me… The starting point of my practice had been impermanence – anicca – the first of the 3 common characteristics. With just a little consideration, it quickly became clear that everything…

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A few nights in a clean hotel had proven to me that it was time to figure-out a new living arrangement: Construction across from my apartment was making me sick. As I considered my situation, my mind just kept coming back to the topic of self and self-belonging: The apartment that I had considered mine till just a few days ago was something I was now eager to ‘dis-own’. It was literally making me sick, it was unlivable, assaulting my…

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My asthma suddenly became much worse when I returned to Connecticut from Miami. I went outside to get the mail one morning and I saw a cloud of dust enveloping the construction site across the street; standing there hacking, I got to figuring the construction project might be making me sick. To test the theory, I rented an airbnb for the weekend in a rural town about 2 hours north of my house. I got to the rental and the…

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this is a direct continuation of the previous blog post Deep Personality Traits Part 1. If you have not already done so, please go back there to read the first part of this contemplation: A stab at the 2022 retreat home work which I turned into Mae Neecha. Now…back to… Goodness has utility… Goodness has a utility, namely safety: A good alana ( especially one with the effort and willpower to pwn my body and life) gets cookies instead of…

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Still in Miami, caring for my mother, I was unable to attend the 2022 retreat. I did however follow along as much as I was able with webcasts and recordings. I decided to try my hand at one of the Retreat HW assignments, to explore our sandans or our deep personality traits/habits. Below is the homework assignment I ‘turned-in’ to Mae Neecha via email. The next few blogs will cover our back-and-forth conversation. _______________________________ I have been following the broadcast…

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