It was mid 2015 and Eric’s company was on the rocks. Massive layoffs were on the way and, like everyone else, Eric was looking for a way off a sinking ship. So, when he got a call for a great job in NY, at a startup named Jet, you would think I would be delighted. But, I was anti-delighted…The company (a startup), the move to a new uber expensive city (NY), it all felt too risky. Still, I reluctantly supported my hubs and we went together to NY for his interview.

The more we heard about the job, the company, the team, the founder, the more excited we became. Finally, after 2 days of deep discussions, after I met the founder for coffee, heard the whole business pitch, we were in! New York here we come. Yipee!!!

The recruiter told Eric he was going to get the job for sure. No other decent candidates had even applied. Then, at the last moment, another candidate dropped from the sky — literally, she took her private helicopter into town for a last-minute interview…

In the 24 hours between Eric and I ‘deciding to take the job,’ and him learning the job was going to the helicopter woman, my mind had already erected the image of a bright new future, a new identity, a new NY life. When that image was shattered with just a few words, “you didn’t get the job”, my heart ached so badly with the loss. But…how exactly could I be hurt by a loss of something I never had to begin with?

The fact is, in one weekend I took the very same situation –a new job/move to NY — and reinterpreted it. First I imagined scary, hard, risky, broke life. Then I imagined fun adventure, safety from Eric’s sinking ship job and wealth from a startup getting big. Like with the sand paintings, the jazz song, my mind took a bare bones situation and it colored in a whole elaborate narrative of what my life would be like. My desire for Jet was born in a flash, in a flash it was mine, a part of my life, a life that I lost before it ever began. The narrative I built was so sticky, it came to feel so real, it became what I desired, and when I ‘lost it’ the pain really was real.

With real pain, I was in need of a real solution.  How can I fix this? Mae Yo already told me of course, I need to bring my heart to neutral. It should be easy, after all, in just 2 days I went from not wanting Jet to wanting it. I went from seeing all cons to seeing all pros. I just needed to merge them, to see both sides.

But first things first. I need to convince my thick brain/heart to see I created the desire, so I created the pain, so I must be able to un-create it too. Stay tuned, in the next blog we will start from the starting place–little ole lying Alana–and see if we can’t get to the truth.