So Dear Reader, as a re-cap, we are taking a break from our regularly scheduled program and interrupting this nice, orderly, temporally linear(ish) blog about my practice with an intrusion from the present day…. inspired by the filth, noise, overcrowding and rudeness of NYC…I bring you part two in my blog about hate. We left off last week exploring all the pain and suffering that comes with being a hater. So, the question DeJour:

If it hurts so bad, why do I  gotta be such a hater?

I’m going to give a shout-out to LP Nut. At the last retreat he gave me a new tool, a new question to ask myself to help me better penetrate my wrong views: If I know a belief  is grounded in a wrong perception already, if it causes me pain, why do I do it? What do I gain? And is that perceived gain actually real –i.e. do I get what I want from the wrong view I cling to? If so, to what degree and at what cost? Whats the data points that the view is helpful/true? Here we go…an insight into my stream of consciousness dharma practice…

1) I hate to protect my self: I need to draw a line in the sand, between things that I hate (that’s you fucking litterbugs) and me, my self-righteous self.  I am a woman of boundaries, of strong standards (see the last blog on this), there is right and there is wrong. To protect my values, my sense of self as a person who maintains those values, I hate. To ensure that I never accept the standards of NYC (the filth, honking, rudeness), I never become a New Yorker, I put up my magical shield of hate.

Where is this self I am so busy protecting? Is it homeless alana self or compassionate alana self? Is it SF alana self or NY alana self?  When I was vegetarian alana I had one set of moral standards and as meat eating alana I have another. So both self and standards changed. And…once I changed from vegi to meat eater shouldn’t old vegi Alana hate new meat-eater Alana?

What are the mechanics by which hate protects me anyway?  Perhaps it is like how I saw fear (see blog Killing the Crazy): Hate motivates certain protective actions, teaches me what to avoid and what to embrace. But, if it worked, how did I end up in a place I hate anyway? If hate really worked to protect me, surround me with things that I value, — why do I have to keep flying back to NYC and facing a place I hate — why don’t I live safely back in SF already? F-You Hate, you are doing a piss-poor job at  keeping me safe!

2) I hate to keep my body safe. At least hate can help keep my physical body safe right? To be a warning against things and people that might do me harm, Rupa (form) I have learned is dangerous.

But, here is the crazy thing, just the other day I read an article about how NYC is actually the safest city in the country. My belief, that all the things I hate here are a big warning sign to run for my life, is contrary to all actual evidence.

3) I hate to protect my karma. I seek to surround myself with good rupa (form), good people, good circumstance to prevent getting used to, learning to accept, lower states. But the hate, the anger, the standards I use to build my bubble world of ‘good’ are actually making me murderous (see the last blog for details). And  seriously, can I really prevent lower rebirths with hate? I don’t need a Buddhist book to tell me the answer to this one — if hate actually worked to keep me from hell states, from circumstances I find repulsive, I could leave NY for good. Trust me, I have enough hate in my heart, if it were the ticket to escaping my NY hell, I would be outta here already!

The Money Moment

I was deep in thought  when something happened, I notice that despite being on the streets of NY, with filth and blaring horns, I wasn’t feeling hateful. But, as I started thinking more about my hate of NY, that hate began to grow again in my heart. Just like with fear (again see the blog Killing the Crazy ), in that moment I saw the truth: Hate is not fixed, it can come and go, it is not built into the situations where I feel hateful.

I know I have said it 1000 times, I am the cause of my hate. But, for the first time since I moved to NY I finally got it. If the hate were outside me, built into a walk on the streets, I wouldn’t have had a moment of freedom from that hate. Moreover,  the fact that the outside circumstances remained the same, but my own thoughts turning to hate caused hate to arise point to the TRUTH: the seed of hate lies in my heart. A lightning strike only starts a fire when there is something on the ground to burn. All the lightning in the world, all the honking, all the filth, can only set my heat on fire if the the fuel is already there waiting to burn. Obvious right? I knew that already, but my heart only believed  after I watched lighting strike.

And so Dear Reader, with a moment of clarity, a penetrating understanding of the truth, it was time to play my favorite dharma game: Lets do the same thing over and over again — Stay tuned for next week’s blog  Why Ya Gotta Be Such a Hater? 2.0. Where I go back and ask myself the same question again: Since it is clearly me, why exactly do I do it?