I contemplated in this way because, for some time,  I have been stuck: I keep telling myself I can’t ‘give up’ this body/ I must cling to it as mine, because I ‘need it’ — it is the vessel necessary to receive the accompaniments of my life, the accompaniments that I love. It is essential to keep my wealth, my status, to be recognized and adored by my loved ones.  I took this form, got myself born into this body, and then I proceeded to I imbue it with meaning. I embraced the samiti and the identity, I attached myself to the accompaniements, I clung to the fantasiese that I think it will allow me to manifest. But the thing is, the body dies. Like a hotel room,  whether I am happy with my stay, or miserable, eventually, I need to checkout.

I pretend I am in control; like by clinging to this body I can actually hold onto the life I adore, like it is up to me whether or not I ‘give-up’ either on body or acompaniments. But this is rediculous, becasue, cling or not, when my time is up at a hotel I need to check out; when my time is up in this body, I need to check out.

Getting stuck on ‘needing’ an Alana body is crazy.  Afterall, after I die, I clearly don’t need it for what is next, based on the fact that when the next thing comes, I don’t have it. The truth is, I don’t need this body. I want this body and I want the accompaniement of my life which require this body. That is something  different than needing it. When I consider it in terms of want, I can apply all my past contemplations on whether or not this world bends to my desire, follows my will or rules. Or whether or not this body bends to my desire, follows my will or rules. Can I really use what doesn’t bend to my desire, or follow my rules to ‘manifest’ me, Alana, WHO I AM? Of course I can’t.  I cling in futility; this is not freedom, this is not Alana Pwning, deciding the fate of the accompaniemnts, of my life, via the fate of the body. This is just delusion and the suffering of my efforts and inevitable failure.