Why Do I do all this?

It is so hard to peel back these tendencies and beliefs and find the why. Still, I think I have found at least a few reasons that play out in my tendency to imagine and seek “zones of comfort”, as well as in so many other wrong views:

One: As I have already reflected in past entries, my self seeks safety. It creates narratives and interprets the “data” of my experiences in order to tell me a story that I am safe, that I can be safe, that if I do the right things or play by the right rules to be safe, I will be. I plan a Japan trip because I need to believe there to be someplace /space in this world exempt from the daily sufferings, somewhere worth it, somewhere fun and exciting and new, somewhere I can replay my positive experiences — some place, some zone,  where I am safe and comfortable. With the effort of planning, the effort of going, I can find it. And when I do find it, or narrate to myself that I have found it, it reinforces my sense of self as someone who deserves the happiness, who deserves the safety that I have found. I play into the lie loop #3 from the last blog , self creates self- fulfilling prophecies.

Two: I do it to achieve other ends that I think are important (often incidentally for my safety). This is especially true of travel, because I see it as a way to spend time with Eric and therefore strengthen our relationship (which I rely on for a sense of emotional and financial safety). So even if I see the pain in setting-it up, of losing it, I suppress the pain in order to muscle through and do what I think needs to be done to achieve my aim.

Three: I think I construct this imaginary line of crappy here and awesome over there (but achievable there, not far off there), to make life and all my struggles in it seem worth it. I catch myself rationalizing weird things to this end — just the other day I was thinking even though having our life and home in this expensive city, with Eric’s crazy job and my boring one are so hard, I wouldn’t want to go back to Houston or have less house, less money, different job because I don’t want to go back to my old types of suffering. I feel like at least my new suffering is progress. If I go back to the old, it proves that all the struggle in between was for nothing.

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Interjection from present day Alana: Back when I wrote this homework I didn’t want to go back to Houston. But now I do want to go from NY back to San Fran. I see that it is not just that I don’t want to ‘go back’ to old sufferings — it is not about ‘progress’– it is that I prefer certain Alana selfs, and that self’s particular type of suffering (a suffering that in fact helps define that version of myself). Sure I had SF self suffering — the suffering to be a good attentive wife to a husband who works too much, the suffering of a stable job that bored me, the suffering of needing to preserve wealth and beauty. But that suffering came with being a certain Alana — good wife, smart employee, wealthy and pretty, and capable of managing my active, slightly stressful life like a good mature adult. NY Alana suffers as a hater, as a bad wife who is dragging down her husband’s career by being so emotionally unstable, as a bad Buddhist who can’t just be all fucking zen about the situation. I much prefer SF Alana, and the sufferings that shape her, show her ‘true’ colors as a steady suffering saint than the eratic, harmful, crazy-ass NY Alana. Obviously, this brings me right back to the prelude for this blog, can there be 2 diametrically opposed Alanas I can pick from? And a new topic for further future contemplation: Not only does my sense of self create my suffering, but I then take my suffering and interpret it in ways that further support my sense of self. Anyway…back to the blog at hand…

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It’s like I’m not yet ready to give-up on the world –in part because I really want there to be fields of frolicking unicorns and rainbows just waiting for me to find them. I still think I have control to find them and if I can’t exactly “will it” there are things I can do to “deserve it” (I know ironically that I am likely the one who determines what this is too, my own lawmaker and  judge). But also because it’s so hard to just call so much effort a sunk cost–like all my own suffering is money I spent gambling and I just can’t quit because I am already in so deep.

Anyway, I think this was a very long, 4-part blog, to say I know I have a problem. A problem with my view and a problem that I suffer. Now I need to gather enough evidence to see the truth,  sukka’s rightful owner is dukka. If I make the problem of suffering my number one priority, if I can stop quests for ‘zones of comfort’ and focus on final escape, maybe I can solve the problem with my view along the way…

But, the solution will really only come with gathering evidence, looking at my life, and seeing how the suffering pans-out.