In Nov 2019 Mae Yo sent me a number of YouTube videos to aid my practice and fuel my contemplations, this is the second in a series of blogs that documents my conversation with her/insights on  the videos she sent. Again, I will link the video she shared below, I would encourage you to watch the clip prior to reading the rest of the blog.

In addition to the video/comments, this blog recounts my pressing Mae Yo to share her thoughts on the video and her admonishment that if she shares her insight, rather than allowing me to arrive at my own contemplations and conclusions, it would ultimately be a hindrance to my practice. Admittedly, this part of the conversation feels very personal to me — an admonishment from my teacher. I share it because in the wake of her warning I felt scolded, and from that feeling of being scolded I had an important insight on one of my deep, recurrent, personality traits — yup, you probably guessed it — the need to be a ‘good Alana’, or in this case, a ‘good student’.

I really want to share this contemplation, as well as my conversation with and reply to Mae Yo. Therefore, be forewarned, the blog has a slightly wonky structure. It will be my line chat with Mae Yo, followed by my contemplation, followed by my reply and sum-up of the contemplation to Maw Yo. I’ll try and delineate the changes to keep it as clear as possible. So hang on…here we go:

First Line chat with Mae Yo, starting with my response to the duck video she sent over:

Alana: The expectations around how someone/something will be arise from myself. From my “reading” the rupa in a situation. The baby ducks believed the fake duck was Mom because they came to this world with a belief that ‘who’ was there when they were born, or fed, or young was their Mom. But the reality is it was just a particular arrangement of rupa that they overlaid their beliefs on. This overlay is the process by which I make something mine.

What did you see in the ducks Mae Yo ka?

Mae Yo: What’s more important to you Alana between what I get from it or what you get from it.?

Alana: What I get from it ka. But sometimes it also helps to hear what someone else sees too…

Mae Yo: Don’t you gain or benefit from the clips that l sent you.?

Alana: I do absolutely ka. Especially the duck one ka. Thank you ka.
I think I am just afraid sometimes that I miss a point or meaning that is important … That’s is why I asked about why you chose these clips ka.

Mae Yo:  Dharma is different from worldly, if I tell you what I see or tell you what I learned from it, it will hurt you, it will become your memory. It will make it more difficult for you . Lp Thoon tought me only two words like and dislike.

One time, Luong Por ask me to find him some bear organ ( in Thai called D- me ) .l keep thinking why , what is it that he really wants from me? He said D-me is good for making medicine. It’s not easy or possible to find D-me, then must be something else that he wants to tell me . D = ดี, it  means good. I have a lot of good dharma but I’m too serious and get mad very easily. No one can come close to me just like no one can come close to a bear. So I realized that he didn’t really want D-me, he just wants me to be a bit easier on people.

Alana’s brief  thoughts  after feeling ‘scolded’ by Mae Yo

Second Line chat with Mae Yo, on my desire to be a good student

 Alana: I think I understand Mae Yo. Thank you for helping me on this path and thank you for not making it harder…it is already plenty hard on its own ka ;).

The truth is though that my self consciousness and fear of missing something is a personality trait that comes up again and again for me : I so desperately want to be a good whatever ( good student, good Buddhist, good daughter, good person, probably even a good bear at some point back there).

Underlying this trait though is a wrong view that:

1. I can be a thing. A good whatever all the time. Like good is some static (unchanginf) state.

2. That my standard of what good is is somehow universally true and if I can just follow it, all the time, I will be the special snowflake I am so desperate to be.

3. That I can rely on rupa (especially if it is MINE) to reflect or confirm my goodness. Like this whole world and everything in it is just whispering Good Alana/Bad Alana all the time.

Its a work in progress, but I am definitely working on it.

Mae Yo simply replied by sending a  positive line sticker.