So I will start by admitting that this short entry is  less of a story or a contemplation and more of a moment —  a brief flash of awareness. It must have been mid 2012. I was at the farmers market with some friends and the day was beautiful, perfect even. I was standing, with a delicious coffee in hand, looking out at a sparkling blue ocean and it hit me. The problem statement. My problem:

1. I don’t really believe that my suffering in this world is greater than my enjoyment — this moment, this place, these folks,  are soo very enjoyable
2. I don’t really think this, this day, this wonderful situation, the warmth, the love from my friends, the sense of belonging and contentment will end. I don’t believe it’s impermanent

By this point I had been practicing dharma a few years, so I knew the drill. Suffering, impermanence, rinse, repeat. But as I stood on that sunny day, surrounded by things I found so pleasurable and enticing and  it dawned on me —  I don’t believe. Not really, not in my heart. That is my problem. 

When I got home that day, I wrote the problem statement on the back cover of my notebook. Not much more I could do in the moment — I  can’t force myself to believe. On some level of course, I had to have had an inkling of how suffering and impermanence were woven into this world –why else walk a path with the ultimate goal of escaping? So, I kept practicing.  I keep gathering evidence, constantly, vigilantly  and slowly but surely I am becoming a believer.

This small story was a big moment; it was when I saw the problem in my own heart, in my own life (instead of it just being what I was told). Over the years, I have turned back to the notebook cover. In fact, when I changed notebooks (3 X already), I tore off the cover and put it in the new one. I use it to remind myself of the problem,  to test my assumptions and to gauge my progress. To check  in my heart how things have changed. Clearly, this blog is about the path to change, the path to believing. Truly seeing the problem, even if it was just a glimpse, a flash, was a pivot point. Its when I started understanding some of the deepest wrong views I am working towards correcting.