Some Sound Advice — Part 2
And … because sometimes suffering and delusion just don’t end overnight … a second pestering email, written several weeks after the first, to Neecha, and her skillful response.
Alana’s Second Email to Neecha
Hey Neecha —
I hope you and Mae Yo are both well. I’m writing to whine again… sorry. The problem is, at least, slightly different this time (no actually I’m kidding, its totally the same, but I’ll get there)…
I have been waiting and watching change. And, sure enough, its there and real. Possibilities I never considered are arising (Eric has already gotten a new job offer, we got a car in the city which changes the way of life a lot, we are renting a place in Connecticut so that I can get out of dodge some, I have found more parts of NY I enjoy, I’m sleeping a little, etc.), as they do, my sense of hopelessness around my life circumstances is diminishing…
But, all this has uncovered a side of me I am so disappointed in. An alana who is angry so often, vengeful (I really want to bang on car hoods of honkers, push back the pushers in a crowd, ask wtf to the folks in the subway harassing other riders), easily frazzled. I had begun to feel so stable and sane… here I am a mess. An embarrassment to myself. I realize forbearance has never been my great virtue but this is ridiculous… I calm down just enough to leave the house and then I’m a mess again. I keep trying to see this as an opportunity to practice…but I also feel like practice is climbing a steep mountain…just when I thought I had found steadier ground, I realize I just couldn’t see the continued steep slope. I just feel, out of breath, and hopeless…
So really this isn’t a different problem, it’s the same problem with a very slight twist. And again, I see it, I know, alana changed so much in the past (like how I used to be so paranoid and fearful), changes now, this is not a forever thing. Steady-state-really-real alana really isn’t a thing at all (really really really can’t wait to believe this one). In fact, this all started with the wrong view stable, sane alana was enduring somehow. That even though all things in this world are effected by circumstance, by changing factors, I am somehow immune. Ego –I tricked myself and I disappoint myself when my own self deception was exposed. I am the one who keeps screwing me…
Still, ugh, I feel so down. And also, practically speaking, saddled with personality traits I feel too frazzled to even go about fixing in this state. Again, I don’t really know what I’m asking, if anything at all. I just wanted to reach-out…So again, if you have time and any pearls of wisdom I sure would appreciate it…
Neecha’s Response to Alana
It seems to be that the more we practice, the uglier our personalities seem to be. However, it only appears that way.
It is like a car parked outside for a long time, gathering dust. Because the dust layer accumulates gradually and uniformly, you may not even realize how dirty the car really is. Only when you attempt to touch, wipe, or wash the car do you start to see how thick the dust layer actually is. At that point, you start to see how the dust penetrated vents and crevices and now an easy washing requires detailed cleaning. Each area you attack seems terribly dirty and requires time and creative thinking to get clean, and it makes you think that at this rate, youll never get to the rest of the car.
We are the car and the dust is our personality traits that have accumulated over time and become normal to us. The more we clean, the more we notice the rest of the car’s filthiness. In truth, the car was filthy to begin with and is starting to only now become cleaner. The contrast makes the difference more prominent.
Our egos require a lot of work. As we clean off each layer, we start to see how deep the ego-dust layer really goes. Right when you think you can stop and celebrate your progress, you realize that there’s much more work to do…and you’re running out of time. It’s not unusual, in fact feeling this way is very typical for practitioners who continue to progress. So it is a good sign!
