Seeing a homeless person on the street on my way to work, I decided on a different path, one that let me steer clear of the guy and his panhandling. It annoys me so much to feel pressured to produce change, to give just because I am asked; the truth is, I don’t think those random homeless folks deserve my money. Of course, this begs another question — why do I feel I deserve my money? Is the money even really ‘mine’?
When it comes to money (or stuff, or good fortune, or love, or success) I know I deserve it because I have it. That part is pretty straight forward and clearly true: If you experience a result, the causes for that result have been put in place, in other words, I ‘deserve’ the result. But the problems begin when I see the reasons, or the results, of my getting money as proof it is mine. This ignores that reasons — causes — are always changing. Just because today reflects yesterday’s causes it doesn’t guarantee a particular future. If the future is uncertain, if my state and my stuff can change, can leave me, at any time, can it truly be MINE?
A few weeks ago, Eric was negotiating to get his contract at work renewed, there were a few days when it looked like terms might not be settled on and that Eric would end-up out of a job in 2 weeks time. For those few days, I stressed and worried over our money and financial security. I realized if it can be gone tomorrow, disappear at any time irrespective of my needs or desires, it was never really something I could rely on at all. So is it MINE?
I think money will save me. Keep me safe. Buy me a future. That is why I desire it. It is why I seek to own it. The belief that once it’s ‘mine’ it will act as I want. It will stay with me. But does it act as I want simple because I say I own it? I worry constantly about my investment accounts ,or inflation, or not having enough in retirement, if my money was actually going to do what I wanted I wouldn’t need to worry about it at all. Does it make me safe? Did my move to NY –which certainly made me richer — make me better off and happier? Does money protect against disease? Death?
The money I have I certainly deserve, but it doesn’t mean or do what I want it to. It can’t buy me a future, I don’t even know if I will have it in the future, all the causes that give rise to my wealth can become exhausted at any time. Everything and every cause eventually becomes exhausted. Money also doesn’t do what I think it does –it doesn’t buy safety, or security, or happiness, it is simply a currency with which to pay for worldly objects and experiences. I can’t depend on money to be there for me, nor depend on it to do what I want it to do: In the end, if I can’t depend on something, is it really mine?
