So Dear Reader, as a re-cap, we are taking a break from our regularly scheduled program and interrupting this nice, orderly, temporally linear(ish) blog about my practice with an intrusion from the present day…. inspired by the filth, noise, overcrowding and rudeness of NYC…I bring you part four in my blog about hate.  Last week, we left off with a real shift, a lightening of my hate load brought about by my seeing it for what it really is — a feeble, delusional, poorly functioning, attempt to hide my own ugliness by  distracting myself with the ugliness of others.. Somehow, just seeing hate for what it is took away the sting. This then will be the last instalment in my ‘Hate Interruption’, I will share just a few more follow-up thoughts directly from my notebook.

On Karma:

For the last year or so I have been caught by a simple paradox: Everyone reaps the fruit of their own karma, so I know moving to my own hellish NY arose from my karma. But, I just didn’t get-it — how did I end-up in a city filled with such ugly,  angry, vengeful, inconsiderate people? How did I come to occupy a ‘ hell’ for these types? Maybe karma is broken….

After my hate contemplation I understood: I sometimes behave in ugly, angry, inconsiderate people ways, I am one of  ‘those’ people too . My karma drew me here just like it drew all of ‘them’. Karma worked just as it should, my own delusion is what kept me from understanding the cause of my experiences.

On Alana the Avenging Angel:

In my mind, the violence I would bestow on the honkers and litterbugs and shovers was justice. It was punishment that they deserved and it was my job to make sure they got it. But, even if someone ‘deserves’ punishment, is it my role to dole it out? Is this how the world works; if there is an injustice done, Alana needs to be there to avenge it or else the law of karma will break and people won’t experience the effects of their actions?What does this really have to do with me anyway?

Clearly, at the heart, this is about me only because I make it about me. I have rules, standards, I create and then in my own mind I judge people according to them. Since they are mine alone, who else would enforce but me. But that is not really karma, karma is a universal law, the law of cause and effect, and it operates just fine without me.

And in so far as any ‘punishment’ is due to all the ugly, angry, vengeful, inconsiderate people out there (myself included), aren’t we already experiencing the some of the effect of our hating? I know the burning, searing pain in my heart that comes when anger and impatience arise, I am guessing the honkers and huffers and pushers and shovers feel the burn as well. Does Alana really need to do anything to help someone else have their moment of hell? The only one  my hate and my vengeful is ‘paying back’ is myself.

On Compassion:

When I get frustrated and speak harshly to Eric, I want to be forgiven. When I am inattentive to my mom and  Seth, I want them to give me a pass. When I am a neglectful student, I want my teachers to still teach and believe in me. When I am ugly, I want my friends to still support me. Each of these times, I want my loved ones, everyone really, to see these moments are not who I am. I want another shot, a redo. And, surprisingly, I so often get them. Despite so many flaws, I still have folks who love, care for, believe in and teach me.  

So why can’t I give a pass to the honkers and pushers and eyrolles and litterbugs? If I don’t believe my ugly moments are me, if I think I should get a pass, forgiveness, why am I so fast to want to punish these transgressors? Why do I think I am so special, so much more deserving?  In fact, doesn’t my harshness make me a little less ‘special’ and worthy in the end?

Final Thoughts:

So much of my energy is spent trying to confirm my goodness, i.e. the qualities I value. When it comes down to it, these are really just qualities  I  value because I have been taught them or they have been useful to me. My friends and family help affirm my goodness, my lovableness. My job affirms my usefulness and skill, my city (SF) affirms my chillness, my clothes and body affirm my beauty and in-controlness, my wealth affirms my safety. So much effort and does it work? If SF could really affirm my chill, how in the hell did I find myself Alana- Angry-Avenging-Angel of Fire and Doom?