The following is a homework assignment from around this time that I turned in to LP Anan. The content was about how I had used multiple KPY tools in a contemplation of my own. Because tools and techniques have been an important theme in this blog, I wanted to include the homework here:

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One night a friend was over talking to me about some drama that was going on in a social club she had started — she felt like she had been put in a position of leadership that she didn’t want and was being forced to make decisions that made her uncomfortable. As I listened to my friend talk about her own experiences of leadership, I saw that she had so many wrong views that were coloring her thinking. I couldn’t help  internalize her story and ask — has this ever happened to me?

Since for many years I was always the first person to volunteer… that chick incapable of saying no…I knew I must have a good tale to tell myself….

~~~~Wavy lines and dreamy tv flashback music ~~~~~~

Background Story: Before I was a student in Laung Por Thoon’s method, I used to practice Buddhism in the Tibetan tradition. One day, we learned our Lama — the big teacher — was coming to town and the students had to plan the entire event. I went to the first planning meeting and it was disorganized and chaotic; I wondered how we were ever going to plan an event in a short time. I have lots of professional event planning experience and it soon became clear that I was ‘the best qualified’ person to lead, and that other members of the group wanted me to take over. So I did.  

The next few weeks were hellish. I spent so much time planning the event  I began to  feel “abused” and taken advantage of by the other students. They were aggressive in asking me to do stuff and gave little help … I felt, ‘how could they do this to me?’ It really surprised me too,  it’s just not how  bunch of Buddhists should be acting!

In the end, the event happened and went smoothly. Still I had a lingering sense of dis-ease that has stayed with me for years. I really felt like I was a victim in this circumstance and my perception of the Buddhist community was really tainted.

Wrong View 1: I am the best person to run the event.  If I didn’t run the event it wouldn’t happen. Right off the bat I had several permanent, and therefore wrong, views about how essential I was in the event planning process. I believed that my past experience planning made me well suited for the current experience (actually I learned planning a religious event is very different than a gala). I believed that if I didn’t act nothing would get done (actually, many visits had happened successfully long before I was a student of this lama). I believed that because others wanted me to act I should. I interpreted other people’s words and actions as indicators I should act and lead when in fact they may not have wanted or expected that at all.

Really all of  this was just ego,  but I couldn’t resist putting me at the center of something that didn’t necessarily involve me and thinking the permanent though –I am the best!!!. Since I’m the best it’s my responsibility to act. If I had allowed doubt –’Am I really the best and is this really my responsibility?’ — to creep in, I may not have ended up in the ‘volunteer’ position to begin with.

Wrong View 2: This isn’t how a bunch of Buddhists should be acting. If some Buddhists act this way, all Buddhist will act this way. When I look back at the story now I realize that my suffering was intimately linked to my expectation about how “a bunch of Buddhists” should be acting (setting conditions).  When I think about rough events that I have planned for work, I haven’t felt “wounded for years” when things are hard and people act in ways I find distasteful;  I figure it is just part of the job.  Since I went into the event with expectations about how everyone in a particular group should act, I was quite disappointed when they behaved differently than I wanted them too.

Moreover my disappointment was compounded when in my mind I applied some super bad logic– If some Buddhists act badly, all must act badly, always. Now in addition to my hurt about the event I had lingering doubt about my faith…about myself as a Buddhist.

Wrong View 3: I blamed others and felt like a victim when in fact I participated for my own reasons and got certain benefits from planning the event. For years I thought of this story as something that “happened to me”; in my mind I was the downtrodden protagonist, but in reality I was an active participant. For starters, I volunteered. I did it, not just because of my wrong view of my bestness, but also because doing so helped meet my needs. I was able to prove my bestness, to feel essential, to be part of the group, to have the event go the way I wanted it to, etc. For all of the frustration of the event planning, I was willing to do it to meet my needs, or to at least try. In light of this how can I blame others and not take responsibility?

Two Sides: When I volunteered I ignored the risks of  taking the leadership role and I wasn’t mentally prepared for the downside involved in the decision. As such I felt “blindsided” and suffered accordingly. But, KPY teaches us that all things have 2 sides, good and bad, that’s just the nature of this world. To do anything, like volunteering for a role, thinking only of the good side, is  bound to set me up for disappointment when I get slapped with the bad side. When I volunteered I considered only the good things–how great it would be for the community and the teachers and (secretly) how great it would make me look and feel. When I got late nights and harsh words and hurt feelings I was so surprised and sad…I now realize that this is just the other side of the coin which I need to be prepared for.

Applying These Lessons : Over the years I have reflected on different aspects of this story at different times and it has really helped me in a number of ways. For starters I was able to see that it’s not always best to be the first one with hand in the air jumping up to volunteer. It is not certain that I am always the best equipped for different roles and I now know that any I do take will have a cost I must be prepared for. This is not to say I will never volunteer again, just that I am sensitive to differences in circumstance and I can make decisions that seem most appropriate for that instance, not just be the chick who always volunteers.

This story has also helped me think more critically about my ideals about being a Buddhist. I am much more reluctant to say a good Buddhist is this or always does this and have become less judgmental (of myself and others) for it. I feel more resilient in my faith which is no longer so easily shaken by what one person, or a group, or I, do as though it were the final word on Buddhism.

Finally, this  story helps me think about some bigger and broader themes in my life and practice, like my tendency to frame myself as a victim and my need to think much more critically about the reasons I do certain things, their risks and consequences,  and the pattern of circumstances that give birth to them.