After Several weeks of chewing on all the insights I had gained during and after my line Chats with Mae Neecha, I felt finally ready to send a synthesis of my thoughts and understandings to Mae Neecha and Mae Yo. Below is the email I sent. I have divided it into two parts/ blogs as it is quite long.

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Hey Mae Neecha — I sure do hope this email finds you well. It has been a few weeks, so I just wanted to share a bit about where my contemplation have taken me…its long, so I thought I would try email versus line. There has been so so much, so this is sort of high-level summary without a ton of details.  Mostly I have just been spending as much time as I can practicing; when I feel stuck or out of ideas I read a book from LP Thoon, or a Mae Yo Q and A or I just try to find examples of impermanence around me since that is something that comes easily. Most of all, I  just keep pushing.

I haven’t been deliberately systematic in my contemplations, but when I look back on them they do seem to be pretty well grouped around particular topics:

1. Going through my definitions of “ownership” and proving that my belongings or body don’t actually fit the definitions/that the definitions themselves don’t actually prove ownership/that rupa has another master.

• Command/Serve — A strong idea I have about what makes my shit mine is I either have the ability to command it (it serves me) or that I am able to/bound to care for it and serve it. So I  looked at the concept of serving/commanding using a fruit and tree as an ubai: I clearly saw that a fruit doesn’t command a grown tree to support it (i.e. the tree doesn’t serve the fruit); for a time a tree, if its conditions allow it, can direct nutrients toward a fruit and if that fruit is able to receive them (i.e. it is attached to the tree, the stem structure is healthy, etc) it does. But this happens only because it is a possible relationship between trees and fruits for a time. Eventually the tree dies or the fruit dies/falls off and it is no longer the case. Likewise with a tree commanding a fruit. I also used the same model of thinking to consider if a seeding fruit and the seedling tree command/serve each other and again realized in both directions all we had was a relationship of factors that could sometimes yield particular outcomes temporarily. The cause in all 4 cases (adult tree/fruit, seeding fruit/sapling) was that 4es are continually shifting as circumstances change; they have the ability to yield seedlings, saplings, trees and fruit, so the cause of all of them is in the nature of 4es themselves: the right conditions shifted into place temporarily and voila, trees and fruit. I then ran a bunch of my own belongings and body through the tree/fruit model to uproot the idea of mine based on serve/command.

• Represent — I tend to think my belongings represent me, so I went through all the ways my body and belongings fail to represent me. How I felt my post puberty body didn’t represent me. How I feel so tough, but on days I need to drop to my knees to do push ups and that doesn’t represent me. How my bladder peed myself in the middle of an important meeting and that doesn’t represent me. When my dad was dying I got sick and I had to wear a mask to visit him. I remember feeling so upset, like this weakened ugly state didn’t represent me at the moment in time I most needed it to, when I was facing someone so important to me for the last time. I was so pained and it didn’t matter, because the truth is my body doesn’t represent me.

• Movement/pain — I was feeling the burn after squats at the gym when I realized I took the fact that I could (sometimes) move my body and feel pain as evidence of mineness. So, I went through a ton of examples (finally landing on a barometer) to prove that the ability to move this body and feel pain did not prove they were mine. 

• Left Behind — I was thinking about one of the things that made me saddest when I went back and visited SF for the first time after I moved was seeing the city was just humming right along without me. I considered it my city, my home, but without me there is continued to grow and change and exist.  I realized the same is true of my body; once nama departs the body will burn or decay or organs will be transplanted — in all cases the 4es will change shape/form and keep on keepin on without me. My car, which will either be sold to someone new, or be chopped for parts, or melted for metal. Or my clothes, jewelry, etc.  How can I own something that leaves me behind, that doesn’t need me to keep going?

The truth is all 4es, after their rental period is up, eventually make their way back to this world, so this world must be their master/owner.  Shit can have only 1 master, so how can I say something is mine when it already belongs to the world? 

• You need a rupa suit to play in the rupa world: It dawned on me that nama can’t actually ‘touch’ the rupa world; it can’t collect, organize, build 4e arrangements on its own, that is why I am born with a body. It is like a video game player that enters a level, “rupa level” and finds there is no way to play or interact with the world until I done a special suit (body) that allows me to play, to talk to other characters, to pick up coins and to beat up baddies. This is why LP Thoon says if we are attached to our objects we will be reborn because of them — we will be reborn in rupa out of the drive to arrange rupa/items as we like; here is how form fuels rebirth.

The problem is once I am in a rupa suit that I can use to touch rupa, rupa items can touch me back. Its the rules of rupa that 4e objects can effect other 4e objects; it can eat them, arrange them, use them but it it can in turn be consumed by them, rearranged by them and used by them. This was the secret trade off I made when I jumped in the rupa suit. I was so unhappy when I got a huge infection on my face, but I signed-up for such risks with my body rental agreement — a bacteria, a 4e arrangement, can consume my 4es, it can rearrange them to create a sore on my face. My 4es can push the petal on a car and drive somewhere, but I can also be crushed by a car that rolls over me.

• 4th aggregate: imagination (#4) sells the ownership lie — I went to a historic house tour in SF. When I entered the house,  I couldn’t see the owner. I couldn’t tell get who they were based on their furniture or art. When I think of my own house, the only reason I believe the art on the walls or furniture says anything about me is because #3 (memory) and  #4 (imagination) tells backstories of each painting, each chair, how it got there, what it is “clearly” saying/proving. #4 ignores all the times mine doesn’t reflect me, it convinces me the times my kitchen is clean are normal and the dirty moments a fluke. The thing is, if #4 is the one doing all the work here then I, myself, clearly isn’t in the rupa, the arrangement isn’t the arranger.

• Compare it to kids — Never in this life have I wanted kids. I have always instinctively understood they are not their parent’s belongings. So I decided to use kids as a model to start running my other items through to disprove ownership.  Kids aren’t yours because they have their own fate, their own path in life that they will follow. They don’t become who you want them to become, they don’t do what you what you want them to do, they don’t reflect your ideas and values because they have their own. They don’t follow your rules. They are influenced by countless outside factors. You and they ride along the same bus for some time, but then you depart each other and go your own ways. You are really not on the same journey at all. I am, right now working to apply this logic to all my stuff. 

2. 2. Proving my rupa can and will break and/or change forms: 

• Internalizing breaks — I have been looking at actual examples of breaking and changing of my belongings and then internalizing them. Example: My tire got a nail in it last week and had to be replaced. I saw that the tire was subject to death because its arrangement of 4es was vulnerable to puncture, to having wind removed to the extent it was no longer a living tire any more. My body too is subject to puncture, to stabbing, to shooting. Such an injury can kill me too because it can change the form of my 4es to the extent I too no longer have liquid flow through my veins or have air move in my lungs.

 I have also thought about ways I am afraid of dying and have been proving those can happen to my 4es because I have seen similar causes of 4e deaths/changes in the world. So for example, I have thought about how infections can definitively spread and eat my 4es because I have watched magma flow from a volcano and seen a tree in my yard overtaken by blight (I have considered heart attack, shooting, stabbing, crushing, cancer, virus, etc.

• Examined my own 4es more closely — I have gone through every major body part and looked at its unique balance of 4es so I can think not just about my body as a whole, but about the arrangements of 4es for skin, lungs, hair, ears, etc.

• Bubbles and Anatta — I was thinking about bubbles the other day and realized that they are the perfect metaphor for the way the rupa world works. Their life/death cycle is so fast, it is so clear how they work. Bubbles are a 4e object born from pushing 4e soap solution through a 4e bubble wand. It seems like I am the great bubble master/creator because I blow the bubbles, but really anyone can blow bubbles, the wind can blow bubbles, the soap dispenser sometimes blows bubbles on its own.  Off bubbles go into world, some go high and some low, some are big and some small, some live a long time and others just a sec, but before long each and every bubble pops. For the time bubbles are in their bubbly shape, we call them bubbles (I finally understand what samutti is now), but if you look at a bubble, it is constantly shifting, it soapy, iridescent form changing, sliding over itself, moving. It is never just a single stable thing. Ultimately it pops, its form is decidedly not bubble any more, and its 4 eas return to the earth. I guess I am starting to see that all objects, ‘mine’ and otherwise are just like bubbles. I let duration and sammuti fool me into thinking they are otherwise and because I am fooled I cling to something that really can’t be clung to, that will definitely depart.  What is more, I use my objects to build status, to build wealth and pleasurable arrangements of 4es. But, ultimately bubbles tell the whole story. Up and down they float then die. Blow another round and the same thing will happen.

3. Testing if my rupa actually does what I think/imagine it does in relation to others. For how long/ under what circumstances:

• Porsche and on top and in control — even though I don’t even own that car anymore, I miss it. I viscerally remember what it felt like to be in the drivers seat; I felt like that car was the perfect image of an Alana who was on top of the world and in control of my life.  Except, of course when it wasn’t… when I pulled into a gas station in Soma (a bed neighborhood in SF) late at night and worried I was a target, when I tried to park away from the crowds at a work event so no one thought my organization was being excessive in their pay practices, when I went to retreat and  felt too flashy and conspicuous, but I only had one car to drive there… Only some of the time did it make me feel on top and in control then…

Even some of the time is hard to swallow when I think harder — one of the highest causes of death in my age group is car crashes. How can I feel like a car made me in control when statistically it is one of the most dangerous places in the world. Even if I was in total control, it just takes someone else who is not to hit and kill me. The idea of a car representing something it it is basically antithetical to is crazy.

• Virtuosi and its parallels in pretty and good — I went to the Symphony and they were playing with this super star mandolin player. He was amazing and got a standing ovation at the end. It made me realize, for some subset of people (like the classical music lovers in the hall), there was no denying that guy was a virtuosi. But, for all his effort and skill, for all the hours he spent honing his craft (karma) he was dependent on 4es to express his skill; an instrument, music, his hands. For some time, he could be amazing, but what happens when arthritis sets in or his mandolin breaks? In the concert hall he is the man, but what happens in the parking lot, at dinner, with folks who haven’t heard him play? He thinks his craft will yield a paycheck, but I am in the classical music business, I know that even the best of the best are having trouble selling tickets. The industry is dying, the audience aging — is this guy’s paycheck contingent on his playing alone, or does it need an audience and industry to support it (in other words factor or cause)?

My big identity issues are pretty and good. Both of these are traits, expressed via rupa, that I feel will get people to treat me well, to care for and love me and ultimately to help me build a perfectly arranged rupa world where everyone is living in Disney movie  peace and joy. But, what happens when my pretty fades (arthritis)? Even if I do something good and everyone who sees it thinks I’m awesome, what happens in the next scene with different people? What happens if folks also see me doing something bad like flipping off the honking cabbie in NY? Even if I were perfectly pretty or good, can it get me a ‘paycheck’, that thing I most want? I had a few guys I liked and persued before I met Eric. A few thought I was pretty and nice by their own admission, but that I was too much of a drama queen for their taste. In my mind, all these guys filled the care-giver/world builder hole in my heart, but I didn’t fit the partner shaped hole in theirs. My pretty/ good didn’t do what I wanted it to do.

• Is my goal even possible?  My great dream is some perfect harmony world, but it it even possible. I remember trading food bowls at retreat one year — a perfect meal for someone else was disgusting to me. It was the same story over and over from other participants. In my perfect world, everyone is happy and agreeing on my particular perfect arrangement of 4es, but it seems like everyone actually has their own preferred arrangement — how will everyone be happy with mine?

Eric and I went o this wildlife refuge where a bunch of animals roam free together in a vast nature park. But…its only herbivores, all the predatory animals live in separate enclosures elsewhere in the park. It seems like a predator free paradise at first, but because space is limited and there are no predators to control populations, forced birth control is used — do none of these animals want babies? They had a rare goose species so they were allowed to breed and then the goslings were taken away to populate other zoos. Each year when the goslings were taken the parent geese shriek and cry. Is it really a paradise? Can it be? Rupa is a closed system I think — some have to die/ be consumed to make room for and fuel what is new. How can I ever have a paradise where no one is hurt or dies?

•  Using Rupa to communicate with others is like a very fucked up game of telephone — as a kid we played this game, someone would whisper a phrase to the person next to them and the whisper would go down the line to the last person. It was always funny to hear how different the original phrase was from what came out at the end of the line. It seems to me that me using rupa to convey the identity that my #4 cooks-up is likely going just as sideways. The rupa, as we have already discussed is a rather imperfect representative, and then it needs to be sensed by others and run through their own 3s and 4s and then I need to read their response through different rupa…Its telephone — I really can’t ever trust that my messages have been absolutely received and they they will continue to be with every round.

•  No one else’s reaction to me proves anything innate about myself.  So this is a biggie which I understand is a little beyond the Sotapana contemplation, but it really needed to be dealt with because it was getting in the way…I was thinking about a time in high school, I was at a party and members of rival gangs where there and a fight broke out. Several members from both sides had been trying to date me, so I walked over, batted my eyelashes and broke up the fight. At the time I thought it proved I was good, I was pretty –I was in control and creating my Disney world– after all, those guys all did what I wanted. But when I think about it, those guys had their own agenda. They did what they wanted. Just like I was using those guys to confirm my special self, they wanted to date me, to use me, to confirm their own specialness. Can I really say that someone acting according to their own beliefs and desires proves something innate about me? I was not the cause (factor again).

When the people I love, Eric, my dad, love me back and care of me I take it as a sign that I am worthy of love and care, that I am a special person. The thing is, love is a whole lot like hunger; everyone who is hungry needs to eat. Sure, certain food is more palatable than other food, sure there is a range for people based on what they are used to, but at the end of the day, those starving will eat anything. I can’t know the state of hunger of those who care for me, so how can I assume that ‘my fulfilling them’ (i.e. getting them to love me) is some great commentary on me?

What I do know from Eric’s Japanese cooking kick is that the palate begins to crave what it is already used to. It becomes easier and easier to cook recipes and food types you are already cooking, techniques to make it delicious are on the brain, ingredients already in the cabinet. Momentum is strong to keep filling oneself with the same food type. But, back to the bubble — am I really still the same type of food as I was back when Eric and I started dating? Married? Just last year? How is it I am taking his love to reflect something steady and stable and awesome about me?