Heir to My Karma Does Not Mean Identity From My Karma
One of my first post-vax appointments was the dermatologist. I left the doctor’s office with a few fewer moles and refills on my rosacea medications. When I got home and cracked open a fresh new tube of my medicated cream, I decided to once again thinking about rupa, rosacea and me. Specifically about how exactly –what it will finally take –to make myself see clearly that this face, this body, it isn’t myself or mine. It isn’t about me. At first, I just reviewed the ‘facts’, variations on rupa contemplations I had had before:
I put 4 element cream on my 4 element face to clear my rosacea. If it works, I feel confirmed — like I am the master of this face, I can force it to my will, push it to be, and maintain it in, a state I think reflects me/what I want to be. But if I look closer, the evidence is right in front of me:
The very fact that I need to use a 4e object to manipulate another 4e object tells the truth of what these objects are –continually shifting rupa that changes in reaction to itself and its environment. When my face clears, what it really proves is rupa follows rupa’s rules. It doesn’t obey my desire. If it did, I wouldn’t need a cream at all — I could will my rosacea gone with my thoughts alone. In fact, if rupa followed my rules, I wouldn’t have rosacea at all. The truth is these objects don’t bow to me, they don’t operate on my terms. I have to operate on their terms.
As such, to say any object at all is about me or confirms me is nonsense. The reality is, if all the same causes, conditions and circumstances are met (which is a pretend statement, because the exact same causes conditions and circumstances are never met twice) anybody can remove the rosace from this face I call mine. It doesn’t prove anything about me. And as the causes, conditions and circumstances change so too will the state of this face and it’s disease all in accordance with the nature of rupa.
The fact is that sometimes I use a cream and it helps. Other times it does nothing, and other times it makes things worse. This is because the changing nature of causes, conditions and circumstances ensure that a cream, any rupa intervention, can only work some of the time. How do I claim mastery when it isn’t mastery all the time? How do I say this process confirms me and my relationship to ‘mine’ when it matches my conception of me and mine only some of the time? Sometimes working, and sometimes not working prove the nature of rupa and disprove that the nature of rupa is to follow my personal designs.
But sometimes also shows the nature of circumstances that act as causes above and beyond the rupa. The money to pay for the dermatologist to write the script and the effort/ merit that got me that money. The intention, the follow through, the research to find the right doctor, etc. Rupa and nama, hand-in-hand, contribute to the circumstances. Circumstances that sometimes are sufficient to result in outcomes –like clear skin — that align with my wishes, and that other times do not. Either outcome proves only that the world is governed by cause and effect: If all the same circumstances were present for anyone, the outcome would be the same. This proves that circumstances aren’t really about me, doesn’t PROVE ME, they only prove that nature of this world is conditional, that effects arise based on causes, that a particular set of circumstances gives rise to a particular outcome.
And isn’t karma just another word for circumstances? I believe so strongly that my karma is who I am. The circumstances I put in place before can make me a thing –a good alana, worthy of living in a world that aligns with my desires, and other such delicious cookies (and not whammies). But can karma/circumstances carry/contain a self any more than faces and bodies?
Everything that plays out in the now, today, is a product of what was seeded in the past. Much like a face that hits a state of rosace flare or calm, my whole life, the whole world, it is contingent –conditional –on whatever came before that caused it to take on its current state, that gave rise to its current shape. I pretend that I AM my karma, that an identity can be found there, but a little thought experiment proves otherwise: Can I prove that past Alana is present Alana? Because if I want to claim an identity based off of current states, that were seeded by past states, I need to claim those past states as self as well, don’t I?
But the truth is, I frequently don’t claim past Alana states, I often feel completely disconnected with them. Houston Alana, Tibetan Buddhist Alana, these are states of alanahood I can hardly recall, better yet identify with. Sometimes, when I look back, those seem like alien selves. In fact, there are states of my past I am downright shameful of: I used to be a player, used lovers for my amusement. Now, I certainly wouldn’t do the same, I am regretful, shameful of that version of myself. But that Alana didn’t really understand how hurtful I was being, I didn’t know any better. Now I do know better, that set of behavior, that identity isn’t what I call ME. Still though, whether I call Player Alana me, or self, doesn’t truly matter, regardless I will bear the consequences of my past behavior. I don’t claim the cause, but I suffer the fruits, this already calls into question the idea that I can somehow unearth an identity in my karma.
Which brings me to being heir to my Karma. The other night Eric considered quitting his abusive job. I encouraged him to, said we would figure it out. But he wants this to be his last job pre-retirement and thinks we don’t have enough savings to retire now without compromising our lifestyle. He candidly told me that in the past ( like when we moved to NY) , me compromising on where we live hasn’t worked well. I don’t exactly suffer silently and he doesn’t want to be miserable because I am. It really hit my heart: Even if I could promise “I have changed, this time will be different, I have corrected some views, he wouldn’t believe me. Eric said as much, he is scared I will become depressed, freak out again. I have in the past. He is right of course. Even if I have changed. Even if I really could not freak out. I still bear the effects of past freakouts. Just as monk Angulimala still got pelted with rocks by those who remembered him as murdery Angulimala. It makes it so clear that I can be heir to my karma without that karma confirming any identity on me. Afterall, freakout Alana is not who I want to be. It wasn’t when it was happening and it isn’t now. But still, I deal with the lingering effect.
The truth is, I don’t want to be part of the cause of Eric keeping a stressful job he hates. But in so far as he does it out of fear I will act as I did in the past, I continue to reap the karma of past freakouts, it snowballs into new karma in Eric and my relationship. Still, this is not me, this is not who I am. It is simply that actions, born of my views, have effects. But just like rupa states, born of a particular arrangement of rupa conditions, are effect. The world following the world’s rules of cause and effect can’t confirm me. It shows quite the opposite –that the world doesn’t bow to me, or operate on my terms, I am forced to operate on its terms. Cause has effect ad infinitim. To claim an identity in an ever snowballing cascade of causes and effects is crazy.
