To celebrate Eric’s birthday I booked us massages and hot cedar baths at a spa in Sebastopol. We arrived, and just stepping foot in the door made me feel at ease — there was soothing music playing, a lovely koi pond, and the smell of lavender hung in the air. Baths were our first adventure, and we were shown into a large room with 2 tubs filled with brownish mulch — cedar from japan. We both slipped our clothes off and climbed into our tubs, super hot, but definitely relaxing.  Forty five minutes later our attendant came in with water and robes and escorted us to the shower room so we could clean the mud off before our massage.

As I was rinsing off, I looked over and saw Eric, slumped on a bench, eyes rolling back in his head. I ran over and he was unresponsive, he was just twitching. I screamed for help, as I ran to grab water and splash it on his head. Water did the trick and he began to blink and come to, apparently he had simply fainted from the heat. The staff at the spa assured me Eric was going to be fine, that this sort of thing happened “all the time.” But seeing my typically hail and hearty husband looking like he was dying had left me deeply shaken; I felt so frightened, helpless with him slumped there. In that moment, all I wanted in the world was for Eric to be ok.

We opted to skip massages and left to find a bite to eat. Slowly Eric started to feel more energetic. Slowly that fog of fear began to lift from my heart.  We walked around the little town, in and out of stores, filled with stuff that didn’t interest me at all: Amongst the trinkets and bobbles I realized there is simply no object that I can buy  that will give me what I am  desperate for — a way to keep my beloved safe.

As my terror began to subside a little further, I couldn’t help reflect more on what had happened: Someplace so beautiful, so relaxing — all it took was a little music and aromatherapy to make me feel comfortable, safe. But I wasn’t safe at all, (from my perspective) Eric almost died.  I am so easily lulled by my interpretations of rupa. But the truth is, horrors and death exist alongside comfort and beauty in this world. Eric can die anytime and anywhere.